Pro Wrestling Match Really Coming Down to the Wire

BIRMINGHAM-According to sources close to those involved, WWE Monday Night Raw's singles competition wrestling match between Carlito and Shelton Benmjamin is really coming down to the wire. Reports indicated that while the match has been pretty much a back and forth affair most of the evening (with highlights including a top rope leg drop by Carlito and a textbook fisherman's suplex by Benjamin), both sides are beginning to show signs of fatigue and the bout's outcome is just as up for grabs now as it was before the match began. "This is a bona-fide slobber knocker," wrestling commentator Jim Ross said. "I've never seen two athletes, in any sport, give it all for the fans like these two have." Many experts are predicting that Benjamin will win the match by connecting with a big boot to the face, although other analysts have said Carlito will pull the upset, given his incredible athletic ability to hit opponents in the head with steel chairs while the referee is distracted by another wrestler or is otherwise incapacitated. Either way, officials are keeping their fingers crossed and hoping the match wraps up by the show's strict 11:10pm ET end time.

by Daniel Strauss

Survey-Lebron James Puppet Significantly More Likeable Than Actual Lebron James

CLEVELAND-According to a recent study conducted by the NBA, Americans prefer the Nike commercial puppet version of Lebron James to the actual, real life Lebron James by a staggeringly high count of four to one. "He's just so cute, and plus he can rap, and you can sort of tell he doesn't take himself too seriously." one survey participant commented. "Not like the actual Lebron, who wont shake hands after losses and lays on the ground for like five hours after tripping or something." "This was a tough one," another participant said. "I ended up picking the real Lebron, but the puppet is a lot easier to get behind. He just doesn't strike me as a choker." While Lebron James could not be reached for comment, the Lebron puppet was more than happy to offer his opinion, saying "I guess America prefers a piece of felt with a hand stuck up his ass to Lebron James."

A Bunch of USC Players Break NCAA Rules, Blah Blah Blah

Stop me if you've heard this one, but a bunch of players from the USC football team broke some dumb NCAA rules that say they can't accept money or cars, or stuff like that, so now they can't play in the Emerald Bowl (a game no one cares about anyway). "I don't really know what the problem is," said USC running back Joe McKnight, who was seen driving around in his girlfriend's car, or something totally inconsequential like that. "I mean, I'm a football player at a powerhouse college program. Does anybody honestly think this stuff doesn't go on all across the country? What did I even do?" According to the NCAA, who are always really on top of this mega-important stuff, McKnight and three other USC players did something that pretty much every other famous collegiate athlete ever has done, which makes them ineligible for postseason play (which, coincidentally, also doesn't matter at all). Coach Pete Carroll took a much more optimistic viewpoint of the situation, telling reporters "It's nice to be on ESPN for something other than getting blown out by a far inferior opponent."

Tim Tebow Just Gonna Stay in Bed and Watch 80's Teen Movies, If You Wanna Come By

Florida Gators quarterback Tim Tebow is just gonna hang out in bed today (and probably most of this week) and watch some of his favorite 80's teen movies, the former Heisman Winner told reporters Monday. He's probably gonna to watch Sixteen Candles, The Breakfast Club, and maybe even Teen Wolf, just to mix it up a bit. Tebow was also thinking he'd probably break out some of those Twinkies and Ho Hos that have been just been sitting and gathering dust in his pantry, because, why not, he deserves it, and it's not like having four or five Twinkees is gonna kill him. The Heisman winning quarterback said he was just feeling "mega-bummed" about the team's recent blowout loss in the SEC championship to Alabama, but that a "mani/pedi" would probably make him feel at least a little better. "Anyways, if anybody wants to come over, that'd be cool," Tebow said, as tears formed in his eyes. "It just be cool to have some friends around." Tebow also said he bought a bunch of green facial masks with aloe if anyone would be into that.

By Daniel Strauss

Josh Elliot Finding New Creative Ways to Be Passive Aggressive Towards Hannah Storm

BRISTOL-ESPN morning SportsCenter anchor Josh Elliot knows a thing or two about how to make someone feel unwelcome. Just ask his co-anchor, Hannah Storm. "A lot of times, I'll come in and sit down in my chair, and it'll be all the way at the bottom, like, I have to push it back up, you know? And then I'll look over and see Josh with this stupid smirk on his face, and I just know it was him." According to Storm, Elliot has also loosened the top of her salt shaker in the cafeteria, so that when she tries to use it, all the salt comes out, he has frequently replaced her skin moisturizer with foot cream, and changed the background image on her Blackberry from a photograph of her husband to various images of "LOLCats." "Whenever I ask him about it, he just makes this stupid face," Storm said. "Like I don't know it was him. What a goddamn five year old." Elliot declined to comment, but did say that, although he was unaware of who the culprit was, maybe "whoever it is" would stop if Storm wasn't such a "dumbfaced doodyhead."

By Daniel Strauss

Bill Belichick Blames Patriots Recent Struggles on "Countless Deals with Satan"

FOXBORO-A strangely nonchalant Bill Belichick addressed reporters Tuesday morning, claiming that the reason for the New England Patriots' recent struggles this year was due to "countless deals" he himself has made with the Devil.

"I'm not going to go back and detail each bargain or deal that I made with Satan, to do that would take far too long, and, to be honest, I don't think I could really remember each individual one." Belichick said, showing little emotion. "But that's the reason we're having so much trouble this season. That I can tell you."

The Patriots (7-4), while currently in first place the AFC East, have noticibly lost their swagger this year. A questionable call by Coach Belichick to go for it on fourth and two resulted in a loss at rival Indianapolis, and a 38-17 loss to the New Orleans Saints have left New England humbled.

"The whole fourth and two thing, I'm not gonna go into details, but I'm pretty sure I know what that was about," Belichick said. "Let's just say I've been a bit behind on delivering my first born to his black-heartedness, Beelzebub. I'm not going to go into it any more than that."

The Prince of Darkness himself could not be reached for comment, though a member of his staff who chose to remain anonymous was reached for comment. "Billy's running a bit low on collateral," he said. "At this point, I don't see how he can possibly make good on our deals and all the ones he made with Voldemort."


--by Daniel Strauss

Charlie Weis's Last Message to ND Football Team: "I Have Four Superbowl Rings"

SOUTH BEND-Given the chance to address his former players one last time, recently fired Notre Dame coach Charlie Weis had just one thing to say. He's coached four Superbowl winning teams.

"These are the four rings I got from winning four Superbowls," Weis said, trying desperately to remain relevant in some regard and pointing frantically at his rings. "I used to be the offensive coordinator for the New England Patriots."

Weis went on to describe how his expert play calling and long list of credentials would bring Notre Dame to new levels of success, refusing to acknowledge at any time that he had been fired. "These four rings were from Superbowls," he repeated. "I was the offensive assistant and assistant special teams coach for the Giants. I won one of them there."

Quarterback Jimmy Clausen said Weis's words really hit home for him. "I hope the next coach we get has won some Superbowls too," he told reporters. "Maybe John Gruden, or Tony Dungee, or somebody else who is completely unsuited for this job."

Weis reminded his players to stay strong in the face of adversity, to continue to wear their ND uniforms with pride, and that he won four Superbowl rings as an offensive coordinator in the NFL.

"If you remember nothing else," Weis said, holding back tears. "Remember this-while I was in the NFL as an offensive coordinator for the New England Patriots, I won three Super Bowl rings. One of them, I won while I was offensive assistant and assistant special teams coach for the New York Giants."

Weis then slowly left the room, pausing occasionally and turning around, as if to say something, but then just pointing to his rings and turning around again.

-By Daniel Strauss

TICKER: Urban Meyer to Go on Hunger Strike for Tim Tebow

GAINESVILLE, FL -- University of Florida head football coach Urban Meyer will go to new heights this week in honor of his quarterback, Tim Tebow.

The successful boss of the Gators announced Monday that he will soon initiate a hunger strike, simply in honor of the existence of the team's quarterback, Tim Tebow.

"Tim and I have such a great relationship on and off the field," began Meyer. He then began to start several sentences with the word "Tim" but found himself unable to continue on account of his emotions.

"That's why I'm going on a hunger strike," continued the coach after a three hour silence. "I want to highlight how good he is, I think people really need to know. He's so great."

Tebow, often referred to as one of the greatest college football players of all time as well as one of the best things in general to be manifested in all of humanity, seemed humbled by the gesture.

"If coach wants to do that, I don't really see the point but I guess it's best for the team," he said. "Maybe we win better that way."

The hunger strike is scheduled to last indefinitely, or, in the words of Meyer, "until people appreciate him."

"I just think he's so good that I could go hungry for him," explained Meyer.

Brett Favre Retires, Unretires in Middle of Night

MINNEAPOLIS, MN -- In the wee hours of Tuesday morning, Minnesota Vikings quarterback Brett Favre decided yet again to retire and shortly thereafter unretire, SnideSports has learned. According to reports, Favre awoke in his home at approximately 2:03 AM this morning to use the bathroom. On the way back from relieving himself, Favre decided that he no longer wished to play professional football. However, after "thinking about it for a second" upon crawling back into bed (at approximately 2:06 AM), Favre ultimately made the decision not to opt out of his multimillion dollar contract with the Vikings. "I just got that itch again, and I wanted to play again, and now it looks like I'm back," said Favre in a released statement. Favre's most recent return to the NFL is particularly shocking, given that he told multiple reporters during dreams between 1 and 2 AM that he would not, under any circumstances, return to the NFL.

-By Jeremy Strauss

WORD SERIES AFTERMATH 2009: Perlozzo Named MVP

By Jeremy Strauss

NEW YORK -- In a surprising twist, the first of its kind, Philadelphia Phillies third base coach Sam Perlozzo has been named the MVP of the 2009 World Series, adding a glimmer of hope to an overall awful event which ended in a rather unfortunate Yankees win.

Perlozzo, whose lackluster playing career once spanned parts of two seasons, was shocked upon hearing the announcement.

"I'm not really sure what I did," he explained. "I guess a few guys passed through third, and I waved 'em home. We scored some runs that way."

The height of Perlozzo's coaching career at the professional level came in 2005, when he was promoted to the vaunted position of Baltimore Orioles manager. In his first full season in the dugout, Perlozzo led Baltimore to a stellar record of 70-92, an utterly incredible mark given the O's horrificly terrible personnel.

"I could've been MVP then," laughed Perlozzo. "Man, was that team bad."


Perlozzo delivers an MVP-caliber performance, congratulating Jayson Werth on a home run

The decision to name Perlozzo MVP marks the first time a base coach, or a coach of any kind for that matter, has won the award. It is also, of course, a rarity that a member of the losing club would be rewarded in such a fashion.

"Sam worked hard, and we appreciate it," said MLB Commissioner Bud Selig. "He richly deserves the award for coaching third base exceptionally well."

Perlozzo is also reportedly being considered for the third base gold glove.

Sam Perlozzo's Wikipedia page contributed to this report.

WORLD SERIES AFTERMATH 2009: Thousands Turn Out Across Nation to Protest Yankees' Championship

A protest against the Yankees on the National Mall Thursday turned out just more than Obama's Inauguration

By Jeremy Strauss

ACROSS THE US -- If today has shown anything, it's that the New York Yankees' horribly unfortunate victory in last night's World Series game has affected people of all types, shapes, and sizes.

An estimated 500,000,000 turned out across America Thursday to protest the Bombers' 27th World Series title. Protests ranged from small A-Rod effigy burning ceremonies in backyards to monumental demonstrations in cities such as Boston, Chicago, and Los Angeles.

The largest protest, however, took place on the National Mall in Washington, DC. At the epicenter of our country's locale of legislative change, several celebrities made the trip down to share in this American tragedy and voice words of hope for the future.

"This is devastating, and we all know it's devastating," said George Clooney, the event's keynote speaker. "The victory is something I can accurately estimate no American wanted.


Clooney leads those in attendance in a moment of silence for those hurt by the Yankees

"But we must go on. We must always go on in these hard times. Eventually I know we will see the light of next season upon us."

"I couldn't sleep last night, I was just so upset," said one fan at the Washington event. "As soon as I heard about this rally, I got on the next flight from Atlanta, where I live."

The second largest protest took place in Boston, a town known for its fierce rivalry with New York. However, Charlize Theron showed that not all protesters were exactly on the same page when she claimed during her speech in Beantown that "a Red Sox victory may have been worse."

"That really pissed me off," said a Boston fan angrily. "If we can't stand together now, then when can we?"

Thursday also marked the formation of several community nonprofits directed against the Yankees, including Stop the Yankees Reign of Terror Now (SYRT) in Chicago, Save the Children from A-Rod - Before it's Too Late (SCA-BTL) in Baltimore, and The Yankees Make me Hate Baseball (YMHB) in Washington.

Chris Berman Confusing Actual Sports With Applebee's "Two for Twenty" Deal

BRISTOL-Chris Berman, noted ESPN sports commentator and recent star of Applebee's restaurant's "Two For Twenty" television ad campaign, seemed unable to tell the difference between actual sports and the new Applebee's promotion during last Sunday's ESPN broadcast. "This deal could! Go! All! The! Way!" Berman shouted over a clip of a sixty yard DeAngelo Williams touchdown run. He also said that real reason for the Chicago Bears recent offensive struggles was an inability to incorporate Dan "Wingmaster" Wilson in the so-called "boneless buffalo wing game." When looking ahead to the World Series at the end of the show, Berman said "My pick for this series? Applebee's two for twenty!" after which, he burst into tears and asked Tom "TJ" Jackson if he could please tell him where he was.

by Daniel Strauss

Officials Forget to Show Up to Rangers-Devils Game

"Drink among friends" leads referees, linesmen to forget key duties of work


Above: Three of the game's officials at Madison Square Garden, 2 hours after the game had ended

By Jeremy Strauss

NEW YORK -- National Hockey League referees Wes McCauley, Tim Peel, and linesmen Michel Cormier and Jean Morin may have some explaining to do.

The NHL is currently investigating what led the quartet of officials to fully miss Thursday night's game at Madison Square Garden between the New York Rangers and New Jersey Devils.

"We were just having a drink, and one thing led to another," said McCauley on a conference call to the media this morning. "What can I say -- it's New York, stupid things happen."

"It was only supposed to be one drink before the game to relax us a little," added Morin. "At one point I looked at my watch and thought, oh crap, the game!"

Following the extended happy hour, the officials rushed to the arena and suited up, hoping to catch the end of the third period. The game, however, had ended hours earlier in a 4-2 Devils victory.

"We're waiting and waiting and waiting and thinking, when are these guys gonna come already?" said Rangers coach John Tortorella after the game. "Finally, we thought, let's just start the thing, and hopefully they'll show up eventually. We'll call our own offsides, and we can agree on penalties if they're really blatant."

No penalties were called during the game.

"I remember once, when I played peewee, the league forgot to schedule refs so our coaches skated out there and made the calls," said Devils forward Zach Parise. "This was kind of like that."


Parise slashes the Rangers Vinny Prospal. As the coaches could not agree, no penalty was called on the play.

While the game obviously can't be replayed, the disgraced officials have plans to make up for the damage caused.

"We could do extra games," said referee Tim Peel. "Seriously, we feel really bad about this. I wouldn't have a problem doing extra games."

Commissioner Gary Bettman has yet to issue an official statement on how the situation will be deal with. However, he did offer some harsh words in a brief press conference today.

"These referees and linesmen won't be invited back to MSG anytime soon," he said. "While it's too early to say anything, I personally think we should have another lockout, just because of this."

2K Sports Introduces New "Playing for Pride" Mode

Addition to MLB Series "Just like Real Life"

By Jeremy Strauss

NEW YORK -- It's the bottom of the ninth in a game between the Washington Nationals and New York Mets at CITI Field.

With the Nats leading 3-2 and 2 men on base, David Wright steps up to bat. He swings as hard as he can and lines a double off the left field wall. Both runners score and the Mets win!

Unfortunately, this season, for New York and Washington fans alike, this situation might be perceived as "meaningless," as both clubs finished off the year at the bottom of the NL East division.

However, 2K sports has an answer to the issue of the thousands of baseball games played each year that wouldn't possibly matter to any lifeform living within a 20,000 mile radius of the Earth: Playing for Pride Mode (PPM).

Unleashed in their newest game -- MLB 2K10, the mode entails the following: users can pick a team, preferably one of the league's worst such as the Pittsburgh Pirates. The team will then begin the season mode 20 games back in the division with just 40 games to play.

The ultimate goal? Forget about the playoffs -- you were eliminated from them officially a few weeks ago and unofficially by the baseball community before the season even began. Now, just try not to finish last and gain a few ounces of respect along the way!


PPM means this pitch could the difference between 5th or 4th place

"We wanted to give that majority of fans that root for those awful teams something close to home," said 2K Sports designer Drew Peters. "This isn't about something like the Red Sox meeting the Yankees in the playoffs. It's more like the Washington Nationals reminding the world that they actually do play professional baseball."

In the mode, as the non-waiver trade deadline has passed, acquiring new guys is strictly prohbited. However, call-ups from the minors are allowed, and indeed encouraged. After all, if you aren't going to give those new guys a chance now, when the season is finished, then when will it happen?

One PPM feature is the "random injury" setting, which can be turned on or off by users. If set to on, the feature allows for several random injuries to the competing team's "best" players during their quest to get out of the gutter.


Jose Reyes' Random Injury setting is higher than most players'

"Random injury is just like real life," added Peters. "Have you ever felt like all your team's luck comes crashing down at once at the end of the season? Like everyone suddenly gives up? Here, we're trying to challenge users to counteract that."

In addition, teams will receive bonus points just for ending up on SportsCenter for any reason during the mode. If the SportsCenter anchor makes a snide comment ridiculing how bad the team is, those bonus points are tripled.

Users can also opt to fire their team's manager at any point during the mode. They are warned before the firing, however, that "someone far less competent, such as a sunflower seed-eating bench coach, will immediately take over and do virtually nothing to motivate the team from here on out." If this is the risk users are willing to take, then they may dump the manager.

"You always have to read about those games in the newspaper that don't matter to anyone," said 2K Sports CEO Grace Cornwallis. "We thought, why not make it matter?"

And make it matter they have. With 2K Sports' Playing for Pride Mode, your club won't be the worst anymore!

THRASHERS REPORT: Ron Hainsey's Own Goals in EA Sports NHL '10 Up 25%

Atlanta Blueliner Shows More Signs of Error in New Video Game Season

By Jeremy Strauss

Editor's Note: The following is the first segment of "Thrashers Report," a monthly bit we're planning on doing, well, each month, to keep you updated on everyone's favorite team, the Atlanta Thrashers. Please enjoy!

ATLANTA, GA -- The crowd was moaning. The players were groaning. The scoreboard read 1-0, Tampa Bay.

Ron Hainsey had put the puck in his own net yet again.

That instance last Thursday in a game of EA Sports NHL '10 was unfortunately one of many this year for the Thrashers' veteran defenseman. These days, it seems the more he plays on video game consoles, the more virtual mistakes the Connecticut native makes.

"Some times I'm trying to go behind my own net and I accidentally poke it in," explained an embarrassed Hainsey. "Other times, I don't know, I'm getting pushed into the goal by someone on the other team during a scramble in front.

"This has to stop. It's eating at my soul."

Hainsey's latest own goal came on Sunday night at the hands of Atlanta division rival Florida Panthers. With Hainsey being controlled by USER GoThrash96, he took control of the puck in his own zone, weakly attempted to pass to his defensive partner, and somehow managed to direct the puck past his goaltender Kari Lehtonen, who looked up at the sky in dismay.

The goal was Hainsey's fifth for his side of the young season, which already marks a 25% increase on the 4 virtual video game own goals he scored last season in NHL '09.


Above: A simulation of one of Hainsey's 5 own goals

"That one was bad, but it was nothing like last week," noted Hainsey following the game.

The incident Hainsey was referring to came during a virtual game against the Columbus Blue Jackets. With the Blue Jackets trailing 5-4 with less than a minute left to play, USER ILuvUKovalchuk -- who controlled the Thrashers -- decided to give his friend USER RickyNashRocks -- who controlled the Blue Jackets -- a break.

Controlling Hainsey, ILuvKovalchuk skated forward into his goaltender until he gave up and scored, forcing an overtime during which the Blue Jackets would emerge victorious, 6-5.

"We're about to win the game, and then we're going to overtime and it's all because of me," said Hainsey after the game. "I let everyone down tonight."

With five own goal tallies on the season, Hainsey sits well ahead of the next-in-line -- teammate Colby Armstrong -- who only has one. If this nightmarish season continues for the American-born defenseman, a trade could be on the horizon.

"I don't think I could cope with that," said Hainsey of the possibility. "I like playing in Atlanta too much."

Preseason Hockey Being Played, Apparently

US/CANDIAN? CITIES -- Apparently, some National Hockey teams have started their preseason already, as of last Thursday or Friday. More than a few teams have already played games, including the Boston Bears, a team from Ohio that's pretty new, and last year's defending champs, the Philadelphia Penguins. "We at the NHL are very excited about this coming season, and that starts with a solid preseason," said Gary Betts, head of the hockey commission. "We're looking forward to giving our fans a great preview of what's to come." After last year's rule changes, including moving the blue and red lines around a bit and making the goalpost bigger (or something like that), a lot of people are speculating that hockey might be faster, or that players might have to pass the ball more to keep up. Preseason hockey continues up through December; by then it should be cold enough to freeze the ponds outside and start the real season, and the hunt for Stuckey's Mug.

--Daniel Strauss

Romo-"We're Basically the Mets of Football"

By Daniel Strauss

After choking away a sure victory last night at brand new Cowboy Stadium to the New York Giants on the final drive of the game, a disappointed and visibly distraught Tony Romo vented his frustrations to reporters, saying he and the Cowboys were essentially "the Mets of the NFL."

"I mean, think about it," Romo said, addressing the media after the game. "We basically had the thing in the bag, and the defense just choked it away. Not unlike the Mets bullpen! And me, I threw three picks and even fumbled the ball. I guess that makes me John Maine, or Oliver Perez, or another of those garbage guys who always pitch injured and give up like five runs in the first."

Last night was supposed to be a celebration for the Cowboys, as they opened up their new stadium, a multi-million dollar facility capable of seating 80,000 people. But, not unlike the Mets, who have done virtually nothing but lose games since opening their brand new stadium, Citi Field, the Cowboys made the fans in attendance wish the team had spent the money on better players instead of a new stadium.

"Tony said that? I guess that's pretty spot on," Cowboy's head coach Wade Phillips said, when asked about Romo's comparison. "I guess that makes me Jerry Manuel," Phillips chuckled. "Although, I've always seen myself as more of a Willie Randolph type. And by that, I mean it wouldn't shock me if Jerry [Jones] fired me at three in the morning immediately following a win."

But the comparison doesn't end there. "We haven't one a single playoff game since I became the starter," Romo added. "Well, I guess that one really makes us more like the Cubs." This drew a huge laugh from the crowd, and even prompted Romo to crack a smile.

Asked to comment on Romo's statement, Jerry Jones was quoted as saying "I ain't no damn Spanish," presumably referring to Mets GM Omar Minaya, who is a Latino.

"Yep, it's true, we're basically the Mets," concluded Romo. "God, this is depressing." The Cowboys next chance to blow a lead comes against Carolina next Monday.

Week 2 NFL Action: Redskins, Patriots Each Score 9 Points in Pro Football Games

By Jeremy Strauss

LANDOVER/EAST RUTHERFORD -- The National Football League continued to show why it offers the most exciting action on the market Sunday, as the Washington Redskins and New England Patriots each scored 9 points in their respective professional football games. By NFL rules, the two clubs are now just as good as one another.

"These are the kind of point totals we're looking for," said Washington head coach Jim Zorn. "Now we know for sure we can play with the big dogs of this league."

Following the game, Zorn could be seen placing a giant number nine on the wall of the Redskins locker room, an action that elicited cheers from players and coaches in the room.

"The fans have something to be proud of now," added Tight End Chris Cooley. "I know I'm proud to be a Washington RedThing."

A few hundred miles north of the Skins game, however, amazingly, Patriots boss Bill Belichick still felt his own nine-point troops could have done a bit better.

"Nine points is pretty darn good," he said. "Three field goals to be exact. But I felt like we could've put up at least ten."

Indeed, Belichick didn't make his name as one of the best coaches in the league by aiming low.

"Our ultimate goal is 16 points in a game," he added with a smile. "Might just be wishful thinking. We gotta break away from those Redskins at some point, right?"

The two point totals highlighted the success of the NFL's approach to promote more offense in games.

"These two teams really looked like they knew what they were doing out there," said NFL Network reporter Adam Schefter. "It just proves the teams are getting bigger, faster, stronger, and apparently, more even."

Video Game Legend Mappy Offers Commentary on Sports

NAMCO Policing Star Gives Inspirational Speech to Boston Bruins

By Jeremy Strauss

BOSTON, MA -- As part of their 2009 Phil Esposito preseason lecture series, the Boston Bruins hockey team was treated to a very special guest on Friday night.

Boston GM Peter Chiarelli arranged for Mappy -- the legendary video game character from the 1983 NAMCO game of the same name -- to offer the Bruins his opinions on sports and the state of today's world in general.

"I've never talked to a hockey team before," Mappy began the speech. "It's not really my thing, so you'll have to bear with me."


Mappy is one of the most successful police officers of all time. More than once, he compared his career to the sports world today.

Mappy began his career as a mouse police officer in 1983. To date, he has become known as one of the most successful in his profession of all time, stealing back nearly 42 trillion Mona Lisa paintings, 65 quadrillion television sets, and 87 quintillion refrigerators from vicious robbing Meowkies.

Knowledgable of his amazing prowess in law enforcement, the Bruins invited Mappy to give the keynote speech at their preseason event. The guest lecturer is generally expected to give humorous opinions on sports while offering inspiration to the team with regard to their upcoming season. Mappy was no exception.

"I really don't understand that T.O. guy," he said, drawing cheers from the crowd. "How did he get his own show? Why can't I have my own show if he does?"

"Those damn Phoenix Coyotes are so bad, they look like Goro when he doesn't know where I'm jumping," continued Mappy, eliciting the biggest laugh of the night. "They look like they have forty Meowkies chasing them. Jesus Christ."

Bruins players and coaches were quite impressed with Mappy's speech.

"I was pretty much in awe the whole time," said forward Phil Kessel, who has yet to commit long term to Boston. "To be in the presence of a legend like that was incredible. It's amazing that he's so funny considering that he had such a serious career stealing back stolen goods."

"I don't understand that T.O. guy."

"We're all grateful that Mr. Map paid us a visit tonight," said head coach Claude Julien. "This was really something special for the organization that we might only top with a Stanley Cup championship."

Could Mappy's appearance at the event convince Phil Kessel to sign long-term with the Bruins?

While Mappy's initial comments were received as hilarious, and included such satirical comments as the comparison of Brett Favre's comeback to Goro's attempt to return to the game after a seven year absence, as well as the statement that "Kanye West has made more bitches cry than Meowkies I killed by microwave radiation," the star of the night closed his discourse with some truly motivating words.

"If you want to win, you have to be the best. I've believed it since 1983, when I first started playing Robin Hood, stealing back those stolen goods. If this 'Stuckly Cup' you keep speaking about is your goal, believe you can get it. It is your Mona Lisa, your refrigerator, your TV. Beat the other teams, your Meowkies.

"And you will win. I know you will."

Kanye West Interrupts U.S. Open Press Conference; Disses Juan Martin del Potro

Drunk idiot "thinks he's really cool"


Juan Martin del Potro, moments before he would head into the press room and meet an unanticipated visitor.

By Marty Strauss

NEW YORK -- Juan Martin del Potro's U.S. Open victory was tremendously exciting, overwhelming, and unexpected on several fronts. However, not even the young Argentine star himself could've forseen what would occur during his postgame press conference.

“For someone like me, to win such a prestigious tournament as this, is just so incredible," began del Potro after the electrifying match. "I would never have imagined I would be standing on this po—”

Del Potro had not gotten this far into his opening statement when he noticed someone he had never seen before -- yet someone who looked distinctly familiar -- running toward the podium.

Kanye West was seen literally jumping out of his limousine and running toward del Potro. Upon his arrival, he immediately grabbed the microphone, pulled it toward him, and began to speak.

“Alright Juan, I’m real excited that you won this, I’m gonna let you finish in a minute," West said, "but Roger Federer is one of the best tennis players of all time. Of all time!”


This man, named Kanye West, has interrupted two stars during speeches in one week

After this outburst, while West appeared to wait for a positive reaction from the press, he received only confused murmurs.

“Just sayin’,” he continued before handing the microphone back to del Potro with a shrug of his shoulders.


Kanye West's limousine. This picture was taken half a year ago; because of West's unfathomable busy and fast-paced touring schedule, it is the only picture ever taken of his limousine.

West then jogged back out of the press room, and into his limousine filled with drunk and hot girls, as well as Roger Federer, who could be seen high-fiving the rap star as the passenger door closed.

Meanwhile, the press conference continued as planned, as del Potro seemed to make very little of the intrusion, assuming it was custom practice after winning the U.S. Open.

"We sure got him," said Federer. "Now he's just like Taylor Swift. How's it feel to win now, big man?"

The next stop on West's tour? Southern California, where he intends to notify USC football head coach Pete Carroll that although his Trojans opened their season with an oustanding victory, Ohio State is still better.

Lou Holtz: "Today was a dream. Everyone please wake up."

Legendary coach refuses to believe ND loss to Michigan occurred


By Jeremy Strauss

ANN ARBOR, MI -- ESPN college football analyst and former Notre Dame head coach Lou Holtz has an answer for his now-undoubtedly large number of critics: this whole thing never actually happened.

"Today was a dream," said Holtz Saturday following the University of Michigan's victory over the Fighting Irish. "Everyone please wake up so we can commence the remainder of the college football season."

Just a few weeks ago, Holtz predicted a season capped by a trip to the BCS National Championship Game for his beloved Irish. However, Saturday's loss at the hands of the formerly-lowly UM Wolverines might hinder this mission.

"The game wasn't played, you see," aid Holtz. "The game is tomorrow. Today is still Friday night. I'm sure you all realize that these sort of hallucinations happen sometimes with dreams."


Holtz believes Notre Dame have a good chance in "tomorrow's game."

The Michigan Wolverines, however, are having trouble believing Holtz's somewhat outlandish statements.

"This is just like a dream," said Michigan freshman quarterback and leader of Saturday's win Tate Forcier. "Like an awful, horrible dream that Lou Holtz might not wake up from."

Michigan's coach Rich Rodriguez urged his players not to jump the gun.

"Hey, they could still go to the National Championship game," he warned. "If every team in Division I lost all the rest of their games they might have a shot."

When it was made, Holtz's seemingly ridiculous predicition, sent shocks of stupidity throughout the college football world. According to the football "guru," Notre Dame's only difficult game would come against Southern Cal.

"We might be the second hard game he has to play this year," said USC head coach Pete Carroll Saturday, fresh off a victory against Ohio State. "But of course, that's right, he doesn't believe that loss happened today."

"We couldn't do with the ball today what Lou Holtz wanted us to do with the ball today," said Irish head coach Charlie Weis. "We'll have to play better in the actual game tomorrow, when it's not just Lou Holtz's nightmare dream."

"Oh and by the way, this sucks," added Weis.

TICKER: SSX Tricky Now Officially a Sport

PARIS, FRANCE -- According to something called the "International Sporting Commission (ISC)," SSX Tricky, the video game that has shaken America with its awesome and hilariously unbelievable snowboarding tricks, is now officially a sport. The announcement from Paris this week comes as a surprise to even the wackiest sports enthusiasts. "I'm the greateeeeesssstttttt," said Mac, a professional snowboarder of Tricky fame, adding, "UNBELIEVABBLLLLEEEE!" ISC officials claim that by as early as 2010, Tricky could replace hockey as one of the "four major sports."

--Jeremy Strauss

Yankees Hope Fans Enjoy New Stadium as Much as They Do

They don’t enjoy it that much

By Marty Strauss

NEW YORK -- The New York Yankees have announced to the world that they hope their fans' sentiments about the club's brand new stadium echo those of the team -- although those of the team might not be that spectacular.

“Representing the New York Yankees, I would like to publicly tell our fans that we hope that they enjoy this new stadium as much as we do,” announced Derek Jeter after last Sunday's matinee.

“We don’t enjoy it that much,” he added after a short pause.

“This stadium is simply not up to our prestigious Yankee standards. The field, to begin, is not green enough for us," said Jorge Posada. "A proper field must be deeper green. I am sure that you can understand and have seen this before. Also, the locker rooms are horrible. No hot tubs? No bath? The showers don’t even always have warm water! Surely you can’t expect us to live at these conditions.”

Posada went on to list many more “problems” with the new Yankee Stadium, including the small capacity (less than 400,000, Alex Rodriguez’s favorite number), the dirty bases, and the crappy food stands, which do not sell the Yankee Classic Filet Mignon or Veal Parmigiana.

“We simply want our fans to enjoy the stadium just as much as we do," interjected Jeter, who had unexpectedly joined Posada's press conference. "We feel that we connect with them, and we want to keep this bond as strong as possible. So next time you visit our stadium, try to complain a lot, and have a generally annoyed disposition. And remember, the players out on that field feel the same exact way that you do!”

Newly added Yankees first baseman Mark Teixeira had a more anger-filled position.

“We ain’t havin’ too much fun out here, you know. This stadium, it blows. And still we see da fans havin’ a blast like it’s New Year’s Eve. I just don’t want my fans havin’ more fun than me. We, the players should have more fun. This our profession. How fair is it for the fans to have more fun than the players? It just ain’t right.”

Alex Rodriguez's view of the stadium is undoubtedly important to his fans.

Alex Rodriguez, however, had an indifferent view.

“Oh man, it’s so exciting to get to talk up here, on the stand. I’ve never get to go up here anymore, this is really great. They don’t let me up here now because I might talk about my steroids. Oops, should I have not said that? Whatever, it’s too late now. Anyway – how do I feel about this? I don’t know man, the fans, they cool. I mean, they come to our games and all. The stadium? Oh man, it blows. I can’t play there anymore, man. But I guess I gotta.”

Starting this Saturday, the Yankees will honor these statements by raising ticket prices and putting a ban on all free fan gifts until further notice.

Allen Iverson to Retire, Play for Grizzlies

Move to Memphis marks the end of a storied career

By Daniel and Jeremy Strauss

MEMPHIS -- The man once nicknamed "The Answer" now has an answer for the lingering question that has been his NBA future.

Allen Iverson, the longtime Philadelphia 76ers star, has announced he will be ending his thirteen year basketball career by playing for the Memphis Grizzlies for the duration of the 2009-10 season.

"I've had a really great career, and I've enjoyed every minute of it," a tearful Iverson said at his retirement/playing for the Grizzlies press conference. "But the fact is, I've proved all I wanted to prove, and I'm ready to end my career, and also play for the Memphis Grizzlies with my free time.

"We talkin' bout Grizzlies! Grizzlies!" joked Iverson through sobs.

Under the terms of the one-sided deal, Iverson must play at least 2 minutes every three games. Each additional minute or "show of athletic ability" -- as the contract reads -- will yield a bonus to the league veteran. By Iverson's demand, he is under no obligation to attend any team practices.

"He pretty much backed us into a wall with that one," said Grizzlies GM Chris Wallace of the no-practice demand. "It was the one thing he was so adamant about."

Memphis players were saddened to hear about Iverson's retirement, but were also excited to hear he might play a few games with them during the season.

"I've been thinking of doing the same thing myself," said forward Rudy Gay. "Let's be honest, I'm phoning in most of these games anyway, we all are. I think that's pretty obvious."


Moments like these allowed neither fans nor fellow players to have any idea what A.I. was talking about

Iverson's retirement did however cause some confusion with the front office of his former team.

"I'm fairly certain he retired last season," said Joe Dumars, general manager of the Detroit Pistons. "Yes, yes, I'm quite sure of that. I'm not really sure what all this hubub is about actually."

According to reports, while Iverson had fielded offers from several teams across the league and even some teams in Greece, he settled on Memphis because they were one of the bigger jokes of the league.

"Memphis gives me the opportunity to cease pretending like I care about this game anymore," he said. "While I appear sad, this is a joyous day for me and my family."

"Borders" Literally Can't Give Away Brett Favre Book

CHICAGO-Employees at Chicago's Clark Street and Diversey Parkway Borders Books and Music say they pretty much can't even "give away" a book entitled "Favre: The Total Package," due to the fact that Favre is such a massive tool. The twelve remaining copies of the book sit out on shelf, rarely even looked at, with the exception of the occasional sneer or look of disgust from the store's customers. The cover of the book depicts Favre, clad in his old Green Bay Packers uniform, raising triumphantly, no doubt celebrating a touchdown pass every decent Green Bay fan would eventually come to regret cheering for when they realized what a complete douche Favre is. Despite the book's promise of a "limited edition holographic Favre tribute card," most customers agreed they'd rather just pay for their toilet paper at Target or CVS, where it's cheaper and sold in bulk. "I don't know what the heck we're going to do with these things," store employee Jacob Horn said. "We could honestly make more money having a bonfire and selling them to people as kindle. But, I guess that's what happens when you turn your back on everyone who ever cared about you just so you can have another shot at the glory that will inevitably elude you for the rest of your pitiful career. I guess." Horn says that the store plans to lower the cost of the books from $2.99 to $1.99 next week, and after that, will just pay people to take them.

By Daniel Strauss

Omar Minaya Lands On Disabled List

Injury attack on Mets continues as GM goes down

By Marty Strauss

NEW YORK -- Omar Minaya, General Manager of the New York Mets Baseball Association, has landed on the team’s disabled list, adding another loss to the already injury-filled 2009 Mets.

Minaya was rushed to the hospital at the end of Tuesday’s irrelevant ball game against yet another club a minor league team New York should have easily beaten. He is said to have suffered a broken spinal cord, which coupled with his usual depression and stress, led doctors to preliminarily diagnose Mets-itis.

“He appears to have broken his back due to carrying a heavy burden very often, and that is also the source of his stress," said team doctor Joseph Allen. "Managing this horrible team, we think this condition [Mets-itis] was inevitable."

An artist's depiction of the load that Minaya had been carrying on
his back, which eventually caused him to break that very same back.

The Mets have put an ad in the New York Times looking for an interim GM for the remainder of their worthless season. Until then, starter Johan Santana will be taking Minaya’s place.

"I've already given up on the season, so I'm not playing anyway," explained Santana. "It's not like the GM will have to do anything for the rest of this season."

LeGarrette Blount Finally Able to Pursue Study Abroad Program

EUGENE-LeGarrette Blount's college dream of finally being able to study abroad during the fall came to fruition Thursday night when he punched Boise State defensive end Byron Hout in the chin after Oregon's 19-8 loss to in Idaho. Blount, now a senior, said he realized during the offseason this was his last chance to "see Spain in the fall as a college student," and that he had little choice other than to orchestrate an elaborate plan to make sure he could clear college football from his 2009 schedule. "It was a difficult endeavor, but I knew it would be worth it," a smiling Blount said, while taking off his Oregon football jersey and throwing it in the trash. "I made sure to anger the other team with my pregame comments, in an effort to get tempers flaring, throw the game beyond belief, and of course, make sure young Byron [Hout] would give me a reason to swing. A beautifully laid masterpiece, if I do say so myself. Though the real masterpieces await me in Spain!" A laughing Blount said not letting the cat out of the bag about his magnificent plan was maybe the hardest thing he has ever done, but now that the suspension has been made official by Oregon football coach Chip Kelly, Blount has announced he will be celebrating this Saturday night at his Eugene apartment with a wine and cheese party. He has requested no one bring any "trashy Merlot."

By Daniel Strauss

BREAKING NEWS: Mr. Met traded to Washington Nationals for Screech

Monumental exchange marks the end of an era

Mr. Met, exuberant after hearing the news that he could
finally leave one of baseball's most depressing franchises.

By Marty Strauss

WASHINGTON – Abdul “Mr. Met” Metropolitan of the New York Mets has been traded to the Washington Nationals in exchange for Chaim “Screech” Screech, along with several other prospect mascots and a large chocolate cake.

The blockbuster trade is expected to divert some attention from the recent troubles of Mets team owner Fred Wilpon, who had been considering selling the team to comedian Bob Saget. According to reports, Saget's plans -- now officially done for -- included a comedic labor camp in which the team would be forced to make "funny" videos which weren’t actually funny at all.

The trade also transfers the Mets' burden of Mr. Met's unusually high $10 million salary, and silences a multitude of cries from Mets nation that the money could be spent on actual players. Instead, New York will take on the $50 thousand Screech, who is known as one of the league's best bargains, while eating a tasty chocolate cake.

Despite the seemingly lopsided deal, Mets GM Omar Minaya's announcement of the deal yielded mixed reactions from his players.

“They’re paying a guy who stands around in a suit all day more than me?" said Jeremiah Jebediah (JJ) Putz. "That’s why they almost sold the team? Man, talk about a bunch of idiots.”

Following his commentary, Putz stood shaking his head until he twisted his neck about 2 hours later. He is currently in the hospital and is expected to be placed on the lifetime DL.

Other players were concerned about the impacts of the iconic symbol of their baseball team leaving it forever.

“Man, I don’t know, man," said Carlos Delgado, who hasn't played in what seems like an eternity. "The Met’s without Mr. Met is like, I mean, man, it’s like pancakes without syrup. They go together, you know?”

Manager Jerry Manuel was quick to comment: “Please go away. I am in the can.”

The deal also represents the beginning of an era for the Nationals, who plan to rename the mascot "Mr. Nat."

“It’s not like if we spent the money on real players we’d have a fighting chance," said GM Mike Rizzo. At this point, I don’t really give a damn what the hell we do.”

"Good riddance," said Screech's bad-tempered older brother and Washington Capitals mascot Slapshot after hearing the news of his departure.

“We like him," added shortstop Cristian Guzman. "I mean, he’s a baseball, and we play baseball, so we kind of, like, connected, you know? He’s a cool guy.”

Gary Bettman: "I really thought the Versus Network would be more popular by now."

NHL Commish claims he had no idea network's coverage would fail so horribly

By Jeremy Strauss

NEW YORK -- Even the smartest and most devoted hockey fans who still support the game realize that the Versus Network has made the National Hockey League even less relevant than it already was. However, apparently, NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman cannot count himself among this select few.

"This is our fifth year now that we've been away from ESPN," Bettman commented this week. "I have to say, I really thought the Versus Network would be more popular by now."

The NHL signed a deal to broadcast games on the incredibly non-germane network in 2005 when it was coming out of an almost equally irrelevant lockout. Four years later, many believe that the network -- which was known as the Outdoor Life Network at the time of the deal-- has actually caused the NHL to lose a generous amount of respect.

"ESPN shows such awful programs as the Little League World Series and WNBA games," said Howie Schwab of ESPN's 'Stump the Schwab' fame. "By the rules of sporting, the NHL is now less relevant than those two programs. The league has Versus to thank for that."

Yet, despite the widespread believe that Versus has become "that channel you always skip over," Bettman maintains that he didn't think things would pan out like this.

"I remember the meeting so well," he recalled. "The network execs. assured me they'd be a really popular network in just a few years.

"I only wish I hadn't been gullible enough to believe them."

Players around the NHL have been vocal about the situation -- which some insiders are calling a "crisis" -- at hand.

"Versus isn't offered in some basic cable packages," said Scott Gomez of the Montreal Canadiens. "For that reason, I have many friends who still don't realize or believe I'm actually a professional hockey player."


Players like Scott Gomez are desperate to prove they do play a pro sport that gets shown on television

"NHL should throw away TV contract," added Alex Ovechkin of the Washington Capitals. "Nobody ever gonna get to see me play while it like this."

MA Congressman Wants Red Sox-Yankees Sunday Night ESPN Game to Be Law

Respected official calls Red Sox-Yankees a "human right"



By Jeremy Strauss

WASHINGTON, DC -- Ever wondered why every time the Red Sox and Yankees play a weekend series, the third game is always the ESPN Sunday night special?

Actually, there's no real reason -- other than the fact that ESPN has been playing to their high ratings when showing the series as a marquee. However, Congressman Edward J. Markey (D-MA) wants to make it illegal to have that not be the case.

That's why Markey unveiled H.R. 267, otherwise known as the "Red Sox-Yankees Sunday Night Act of 2009" (or RSYSNA), this week. The long-serving representative says the bill is aimed to show that Red Sox-Yankees is indeed a human right.

"I want fans across the country to be able to see the best rivalry in baseball at least once every time they play," said Markey. "There's no reason why this game shouldn't be the ESPN game every time they play on a Sunday."


Congressman Markey claims that if ESPN is going to show the game on Sunday nights anyway, why shouldn't it be US law?

If the bill makes it through committee and eventually through the House, it will have at least one supporter in the Senate: John Kerry.

"I live in Washington for most of the year, and I don't have the Extra Innings package," explained Kerry. "I can't unreasonably expect the MLB to schedule its Yankees-Red Sox game around my schedule. So shouldn't I be able to watch it on national T.V.?"

Still in its earliest stages, the bill is quite a long way from the Senate and has its opponents. Particularly, Greg Walden (R-OR) has already spoken out against its passage many times.

"There are other games we could be seeing on Sunday nights," said Walden. "Congressman Markey needs to recognize that there are other teams in Major League Baseball, just like ESPN needs to recognize there are other players besides Brett Favre. But that's a whole other issue entirely."

Markey, however, has fielded consistent answers toward his naysayers.

"Congressman Walden has turned this into a partisan issue," he said this week. "We need to work together on getting this passed, not shout at each other.

"Besides, he's probably just pissed because Oregon doesn't even have a pro team."

President Obama, is, as of now, against the bill, citing concerns that it would "hurt the other Sox' coverage."

Michael Vick Receives Standing Ovation for Fighting Dogs, Going to Prison, and Then Saying He Wont Fight Dogs Anymore

PHILADELPHIA-Michael Vick, recently acquired quarterback of the Philadelphia Eagles, and man who went to jail for financially backing the training of innocent dogs to fight one another, often to the death, was given a standing ovation from the fans in attendance as he made his way onto the field for his first preseason game as an Eagle at Veterans Stadium last night. "It's really amazing, what he's done." said long time Eagles fan, Brian Erdman. "I mean, the guy ran a huge dog fighting ring right out of his own home, and then got caught, and thrown in jail. Now, he's out of jail after serving a sentence, and getting tons of money to play football. What an inspiring story." Not everyone at the game was one hundred percent behind Vick however, as some fans remained in their seats while applauding for the embattled quarterback. "I'll stand up when I see us in the damn playoffs," Mark Stern, a fan who chose to stay seated said. "For all I care, they can trot some psychopath murderer out there, let's just win some damn games." Coach Andy Reid said all the players on the team can learn something from Vick's heartwarming and uplifting story of going to jail for committing a crime. "Especially my kids," he added, with a wink.

by Daniel Strauss

BREAKING NEWS: Baltimore Orioles Cancel Remainder of this Season, Next Two Seasons

After sign seen on team clubhouse door, announcement comes as little surprise; "We are so bad," says team's majority owner

By Jeremy Strauss

BALTIMORE, MD -- The last place Baltimore Orioles have cancelled the remainder of the 2009 season and the 2010 and 2011 seasons.

On Thursday morning, an anonymous Baltimore Sun beat writer encountered a sign on the Orioles clubhouse telling players to "go home and lay low for a while." Snide Sports can now confirm that the sign was written by the team's majority owner, Peter Angelos.


Angelos, seen here alongside steroid-user Sam Sosa, has made a drastic decision

Angelos has been blamed by many for the team's woes over the last ten years. Now, he's taking responsibility in the most peculiar of ways.

"I think we need a break from this nightmare," he told reporters on a conference call Thursday. "Seriously, like, it's enough of this crap already.

"We are so bad."

"I think everyone agrees this is the right thing to do," said Andy MacPhail, Orioles president of baseball operations. "We just need some time to relax, set things straight, so we can come back in 2012 and win some games. We owe this to our fans."

But while the decision might make perfect sense to the team's front office, the players are, to say the least, dumbfounded. Under the terms of the decision, Orioles must players must stay with the team until the beginning of the 2012 season, even if their contracts expire during the ensuing time period.

It is almost as if Baltimore players are frozen in time -- as athletes, that is -- for almost the next two and a half years.


Players like Brian Roberts don't quite understand how this could happen

"Yes, it kind of surprises me, this whole thing," said second baseman Brian Roberts. "To be honest with you, I appreciate the time off. But I don't really understand how this is legal."

"I gave plenty of service to this shitty excuse for a franchise," said a fuming outfielder Melvin Mora as he threw a chair. "If they don't give me a house on Cape Cod for the duration of this cancellation crap, there's going to be hell to pay."

But the front office has an answer for the players, some of whom -- like Roberts -- doubt the legality/morality of the arrangement. Under an MLB rule approved in 1917, franchises may cancel up to three seasons in a row and freeze players' contracts in the process if "good reason" exists. In this case, does "good reason" exist? That much is up to league Commissioner Bud Selig, who has already offered his commentary on the situation.

"I'll have my deliberation with my staff, but I think there's a good chance I'll approve it," said Selig on a conference call. "I mean, they don't even have the Rays to rely on at being in last place anymore."

Top baseball analysts too agree with Selig.

"A couple of years ago, the Orioles lost 30-3 in a game against the Rangers," said ESPN's Buster Olney. "Personally, I think they should've pulled out this tool then. This cancellation is even a bit late."

Under the rule, although Angelos plans to fight it "to the best of [his] ability," refunds to all ticket holders cannot be avoided.

What doesn't comply with the MLB rule, however, is Angelos' mandate -- with no exception -- that the players have their lockers cleared out by Friday morning for a full clubhouse fumigation.

Drunk Boston Fan Can't Tell Asian Red Sox Apart

BOSTON-Dave Haplert, a self described "die hard member of Red Sox nation," brought his knowledge of the team's roster, as well as his ability to tell Asian people apart, into question, when he confused Red Sox middle reliever Hideki Okajima for starting pitcher Daisuke Matsuzaka. "Come on Daisuke, put him over!" Halpert yelled, nearly spilling his fifth beer all over everyone sitting in front of him. "Strike him out, Dice-K! Throw the gyropitch!" Halpert's confusion reached a fever pitch when the Red Sox put in another of their Asian relievers, Takashi Saito, to close out the game. "Hey, Dice-K, stay in one place goddamit! Hiding in the outfield..." Halpert's two friends who accompanied him to the game could not be reached for comment, as they had already snuck away to a different seating section sometime around the 5th inning.

-- Daniel Strauss

DEVELOPING STORY: Baltimore Orioles Expected to Cancel Next Two Seasons

Players reportedly told to "go home and lay low until we get things straightened out"

BALTIMORE, MD -- After several seasons of losing and losing in the American League East and beyond, the Baltimore Orioles may soon get a much-needed rest -- for at least a couple of years.

According to multiple reports, the Orioles organization will make a major announcement in the next few days. Its point? The cancellation of the remainder of the 2009 season, as well as the 2010 and 2011 ones, too.

A Baltimore Sun beat reporter who asked to remain anonymous has stated that he saw a sign Thursday afternoon on the Orioles clubhouse door that read: "To all of our players: You have been good to us, but not good enough. We need to fix things up a bit. Please go home and lay low until we get things straightened out...possibly for the next two years." Baseball analysts are still trying to determine who wrote the sign.

"It makes perfect sense that the Orioles would cancel team operations for a little while," said ESPN's Tim Kurkjian, who previously covered the team as a beat writer. "Things have really gone downhill for them. They don't even have the Rays to rely on as being worst in the division anymore."

Stay with us here at Snide Sports as this story develops -- we'll have all the updates.

-- Jeremy Strauss

Giant Statue of Jerry Jones on Fifty Yard Line May Cause Unforeseen Problems

by Daniel Strauss

DALLAS -- The Dallas Cowboys new multimillion dollar facility may have come into even more unforeseen trouble.

This time, issues have arisen in the form of a hundred foot tall, solid silver statue of Jerry Jones situated on the fifty yard line. During the Cowboys last preseason game against the Tennessee Titans, players on both sides referred to the statue as "hard to avoid," "really shiny," and "seemingly completely unnecessary."

"I definitely had to rethink some of my passes on the fly when we were down by the fifty [yard line]," Dallas quarterback Tony Romo said. "Come to think of it, I wonder if that had something to do with the 25 sacks I took during the game. It seemed like I got hit more than usual."

"I was making this cut right around midfield, and I thought I was gonna have all this open green in front of me, but no, right there is big 'hundred-foot tall Jerry's' leg staring back at me," said Tennessee running back Chris Johnson. It's one hell of a home team advantage."

This isn't the first time the new stadium has run into some trouble for it's design. Earlier in the game, Tennessee kicker Rob Bironas had a punt bounce off the brand new, low hanging, HD screen, resulting in a rare football do-over.

"I honestly don't think I'd have hit it [the screen] if I could have taken my eyes off that giant-ass statue of Jerry," Bironas said. "Talk about distracting."

Jones himself had little to say on the matter, telling reporters Friday that the statue wasn't going anywhere. Asked if he felt the statue in any way compromised the integrity of the game, Jones replied, "I am the game, bitch."

"I think it's a trade-off," non partisan announcer Troy Aikman commented. "We lose T.O., but we get this wonderful statue. It should stay."

Fans can next see the Cowboys live on Saturday, August 29 (vs San Francisco), which, coincidentally, is Jerry Jones night at new Dallas Stadium (every child will be given a Jerry Jones mask and a fresh fifty dollar bill to rip up and thrown in the air during the game).