Tuesday, June 29, 2010

TICKER: Cubs Place Carlos Zambrano on Mentally Disabled List


Venezuelan starter may be out for "quite some time"

CHICAGO -- Carlos Zambrano's latest tirade against the Derek Lee and the Chicago Cubs has stirred up all kinds of controversy on and off the field, leading the team to place Zambrano on the MLB Mentally Disabled List Tuesday evening.

In a statement released by the Cubs, the organization stated that Zambrano is simply "not like the rest of us," and that "his head just isn't here."

"Carlos will be off the team for as long as it takes him to stop being crazy," said Cubs GM Jim Hendry. "He's kind of a nutjob."

Zambrano did not take the news well.

"This really hurt me," he said. "I'm not a disable. My arm working just fine."

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Knicks Sign Gheorghe Muresan in Push for Lebron


New York adds aging star to roster in desperate attempt to land "King" James

By Jeremy Strauss
Editor-in-chief

NEW YORK -- Gheorghe Muresan, the 7'7" giant from Romania who ties the record for the tallest player to ever play in the NBA, is coming out of retirement.

With their sights set on luring Lebron James to the Big Apple, the Knicks persuaded Muresan, the former Washington Bullets star quite clearly known for his height, to take a second stab at a career.

"This is a great day for me and my family," said Muresan, before joking, "and Lebron -- what are you waiting for?"

Knicks coach Mike D'Antoni said the signing certainly gives New York more depth at the center position.

"He's no Nate Robinson, that's for sure," said D'Antoni. "I really like that about him."


An ecstatic Muresan returns to the NBA to play for one of its worst teams

Muresan is signed for two years, but in one of the strangest contracts in the history of professional sports. First, he becomes the first player ever to earn an hourly wage ($20/hour) rather than a yearly salary. Second, Muresan must complete at least seven hours per week of "Lebron service" leading up to the eventual day Lebron is signed to the Knicks. This can include anything from TV spots to calling Lebron on the phone and pushing his move east.

If such a signing never happens, Muresan's wage will drop $5/hour.

"I've only got a few days until free agency begins," said Muresan. "I'd better get to work."