Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Pro Wrestling Match Really Coming Down to the Wire

BIRMINGHAM-According to sources close to those involved, WWE Monday Night Raw's singles competition wrestling match between Carlito and Shelton Benmjamin is really coming down to the wire. Reports indicated that while the match has been pretty much a back and forth affair most of the evening (with highlights including a top rope leg drop by Carlito and a textbook fisherman's suplex by Benjamin), both sides are beginning to show signs of fatigue and the bout's outcome is just as up for grabs now as it was before the match began. "This is a bona-fide slobber knocker," wrestling commentator Jim Ross said. "I've never seen two athletes, in any sport, give it all for the fans like these two have." Many experts are predicting that Benjamin will win the match by connecting with a big boot to the face, although other analysts have said Carlito will pull the upset, given his incredible athletic ability to hit opponents in the head with steel chairs while the referee is distracted by another wrestler or is otherwise incapacitated. Either way, officials are keeping their fingers crossed and hoping the match wraps up by the show's strict 11:10pm ET end time.

by Daniel Strauss

Friday, December 25, 2009

Survey-Lebron James Puppet Significantly More Likeable Than Actual Lebron James


CLEVELAND-According to a recent study conducted by the NBA, Americans prefer the Nike commercial puppet version of Lebron James to the actual, real life Lebron James by a staggeringly high count of four to one. "He's just so cute, and plus he can rap, and you can sort of tell he doesn't take himself too seriously." one survey participant commented. "Not like the actual Lebron, who wont shake hands after losses and lays on the ground for like five hours after tripping or something." "This was a tough one," another participant said. "I ended up picking the real Lebron, but the puppet is a lot easier to get behind. He just doesn't strike me as a choker." While Lebron James could not be reached for comment, the Lebron puppet was more than happy to offer his opinion, saying "I guess America prefers a piece of felt with a hand stuck up his ass to Lebron James."

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

A Bunch of USC Players Break NCAA Rules, Blah Blah Blah

Stop me if you've heard this one, but a bunch of players from the USC football team broke some dumb NCAA rules that say they can't accept money or cars, or stuff like that, so now they can't play in the Emerald Bowl (a game no one cares about anyway). "I don't really know what the problem is," said USC running back Joe McKnight, who was seen driving around in his girlfriend's car, or something totally inconsequential like that. "I mean, I'm a football player at a powerhouse college program. Does anybody honestly think this stuff doesn't go on all across the country? What did I even do?" According to the NCAA, who are always really on top of this mega-important stuff, McKnight and three other USC players did something that pretty much every other famous collegiate athlete ever has done, which makes them ineligible for postseason play (which, coincidentally, also doesn't matter at all). Coach Pete Carroll took a much more optimistic viewpoint of the situation, telling reporters "It's nice to be on ESPN for something other than getting blown out by a far inferior opponent."

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Tim Tebow Just Gonna Stay in Bed and Watch 80's Teen Movies, If You Wanna Come By


Florida Gators quarterback Tim Tebow is just gonna hang out in bed today (and probably most of this week) and watch some of his favorite 80's teen movies, the former Heisman Winner told reporters Monday. He's probably gonna to watch Sixteen Candles, The Breakfast Club, and maybe even Teen Wolf, just to mix it up a bit. Tebow was also thinking he'd probably break out some of those Twinkies and Ho Hos that have been just been sitting and gathering dust in his pantry, because, why not, he deserves it, and it's not like having four or five Twinkees is gonna kill him. The Heisman winning quarterback said he was just feeling "mega-bummed" about the team's recent blowout loss in the SEC championship to Alabama, but that a "mani/pedi" would probably make him feel at least a little better. "Anyways, if anybody wants to come over, that'd be cool," Tebow said, as tears formed in his eyes. "It just be cool to have some friends around." Tebow also said he bought a bunch of green facial masks with aloe if anyone would be into that.

By Daniel Strauss

Friday, December 4, 2009

Josh Elliot Finding New Creative Ways to Be Passive Aggressive Towards Hannah Storm


BRISTOL-ESPN morning SportsCenter anchor Josh Elliot knows a thing or two about how to make someone feel unwelcome. Just ask his co-anchor, Hannah Storm. "A lot of times, I'll come in and sit down in my chair, and it'll be all the way at the bottom, like, I have to push it back up, you know? And then I'll look over and see Josh with this stupid smirk on his face, and I just know it was him." According to Storm, Elliot has also loosened the top of her salt shaker in the cafeteria, so that when she tries to use it, all the salt comes out, he has frequently replaced her skin moisturizer with foot cream, and changed the background image on her Blackberry from a photograph of her husband to various images of "LOLCats." "Whenever I ask him about it, he just makes this stupid face," Storm said. "Like I don't know it was him. What a goddamn five year old." Elliot declined to comment, but did say that, although he was unaware of who the culprit was, maybe "whoever it is" would stop if Storm wasn't such a "dumbfaced doodyhead."

By Daniel Strauss

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Bill Belichick Blames Patriots Recent Struggles on "Countless Deals with Satan"

FOXBORO-A strangely nonchalant Bill Belichick addressed reporters Tuesday morning, claiming that the reason for the New England Patriots' recent struggles this year was due to "countless deals" he himself has made with the Devil.

"I'm not going to go back and detail each bargain or deal that I made with Satan, to do that would take far too long, and, to be honest, I don't think I could really remember each individual one." Belichick said, showing little emotion. "But that's the reason we're having so much trouble this season. That I can tell you."

The Patriots (7-4), while currently in first place the AFC East, have noticibly lost their swagger this year. A questionable call by Coach Belichick to go for it on fourth and two resulted in a loss at rival Indianapolis, and a 38-17 loss to the New Orleans Saints have left New England humbled.

"The whole fourth and two thing, I'm not gonna go into details, but I'm pretty sure I know what that was about," Belichick said. "Let's just say I've been a bit behind on delivering my first born to his black-heartedness, Beelzebub. I'm not going to go into it any more than that."

The Prince of Darkness himself could not be reached for comment, though a member of his staff who chose to remain anonymous was reached for comment. "Billy's running a bit low on collateral," he said. "At this point, I don't see how he can possibly make good on our deals and all the ones he made with Voldemort."


--by Daniel Strauss

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Charlie Weis's Last Message to ND Football Team: "I Have Four Superbowl Rings"

SOUTH BEND-Given the chance to address his former players one last time, recently fired Notre Dame coach Charlie Weis had just one thing to say. He's coached four Superbowl winning teams.

"These are the four rings I got from winning four Superbowls," Weis said, trying desperately to remain relevant in some regard and pointing frantically at his rings. "I used to be the offensive coordinator for the New England Patriots."

Weis went on to describe how his expert play calling and long list of credentials would bring Notre Dame to new levels of success, refusing to acknowledge at any time that he had been fired. "These four rings were from Superbowls," he repeated. "I was the offensive assistant and assistant special teams coach for the Giants. I won one of them there."

Quarterback Jimmy Clausen said Weis's words really hit home for him. "I hope the next coach we get has won some Superbowls too," he told reporters. "Maybe John Gruden, or Tony Dungee, or somebody else who is completely unsuited for this job."

Weis reminded his players to stay strong in the face of adversity, to continue to wear their ND uniforms with pride, and that he won four Superbowl rings as an offensive coordinator in the NFL.

"If you remember nothing else," Weis said, holding back tears. "Remember this-while I was in the NFL as an offensive coordinator for the New England Patriots, I won three Super Bowl rings. One of them, I won while I was offensive assistant and assistant special teams coach for the New York Giants."

Weis then slowly left the room, pausing occasionally and turning around, as if to say something, but then just pointing to his rings and turning around again.

-By Daniel Strauss