Friday, February 26, 2010

Oregon Football Player Suspended for Creating Homemade Doomsday Device

Coach Chip Kelly speaks with the press about the Oregon Ducks football team's latest calamity.

By Daniel Strauss

In yet another blow to the Oregon Ducks football program, Coach Chip Kelly announced Friday that he was forced to ask junior offensive lineman Ramsen Golpashin to leave the team after finding a homemade doomsday device in Golpashin's off campus apartment.

"I was making a stop at Ramsen's house to tell him he was going to be a team captain next year," a visibly upset Kelly said, at a press conference Friday. "I knocked on the door and just heard all this scurrying around on the other side. Sure enough, when he opened the door, there it was. A doomsday machine. I've seen enough of those to know in my day to recognize it instantly."

It seems Oregon's players can't stay out of trouble this tumultuous offseason, which so far has included running back LaMichael James' domestic abuse case, and the removal of wideout Jamere Holland because of an expletive-filled Facebook status update. But, Kelly told reporters, Golpashin's suspension trumps them all.

"I always knew there was something off about that kid," Kelly said. "I'm just ashamed I didn't act on my gut feeling sooner. If he'd been able to carry out his dastardly plan...well...well, I just don't want to think about it."

Golpashin reacted to his ejection from the squad via a written statement through his publicist. "The only thing I did wrong was get caught. Soon, I shall have my revenge on Chip Kelly, the Ducks, and then, the world."

Asked if he would ever think about reinstating Golpashin, Kelly took a moment, and then offered this response. "If we're undefeated through week four? Yeah. Probably."

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Lindsey Vonn: "My days of relevance are numbered."


Olympic Skier likely to lose all popularity very soon

By Jeremy Strauss
Editor-in-chief

VANCOUVER, BC -- Today, Lindsey Vonn is a U.S. champion Olympic skier, the pride of her country, and a role model for girls everywhere. In a few days time, however, nearly all of those titles will disappear.

"To most people, the Olympics are cool for at least a few hours," Vonn said on Wednesday. "Then, it's like, I'd rather watch the Yankee game. I now realize my days of relevance are numbered."

Yes, a week from now, skiing will return from its current primetime position to its rightful place on random Saturday afternoons when nothing else is on. The sport will change from a must-watch to a must-turn-off-immediately, as Americans slowly begin to remember its sheer tediousness.

Most importantly, the excitement of snow on hills will go back to being just snow on hills.

"I'm glad I'm on T.V. all the time now," said Vonn. "People get to see me talking about my sport and actually skiing. This is something that only comes about twice every decade for me.

"It's like I'm sort of famous."


Vonn claims skiing will likely return to its original state of irrelevance quite soon

Like most Olympians, Scott Moir, a Canadian ice dancer who recently brought home a gold medal for his country, echoed Vonn's sentiments.

"My sport is especially irrelevant," said Moir. "I mean, during the Olympics, a lot of people even think it's irrelevant. A few weeks from now, think of how little people will care about me."

Shaun White, an American snowboarder, has shot down Vonn's comments, claiming they misrepresented most Olympians.

"I'm sort of famous," he said. "And I'm sort of famous year round. No damn skier is gonna take that away from me."

Monday, February 22, 2010

NHL Players Defeat Other NHL Players in Ice Hockey Game


Nation Stands Still for "Miracle on Ice"

By Jeremy Strauss
Editor-in-Chief

VANCOUVER, BC -- The Olympics are a time for pride in one's country. Yesterday, all American eyes were on the U.S. Men's Hockey team as they battled Team Canada in a non-NHL game of ice hockey.

The result was an absolutely miraculous 5-3 victory for the USA, proving that if some NHL players play on one side and some play on another, the outcome of the game, although sometimes improbable, may favor the less-favored side.

"It was sort of like if the Carolina Hurricanes had beaten the Detroit Red Wings," said U.S. Coach Ron Wilson. "Kind of unlikely, but since they're all professional players playing in the same league, it's really not that amazing."

Indeed, fans across the nation marveled at how such an incredible upset -- which featured players from the New York Rangers actually beating players from the Pittsburgh Penguins and Columbus Blue Jackets -- could take place.


U.S. goalie Ryan Miller silences opponents he sees for a living -- literally.

"I didn't like hockey before, but now I do because it really shows how far our country has come," said Paul Hendrix of Portland, ME. "This game just means so much more. It's a miracle. They've been talking about it on Sports Center all day.

"This is way better than the NHL," he added.

The U.S. team was touted as an underdog from the start of the Olympics, a classification that evoked memories of the 1980 team that upset the Soviets in what has become known as the "Miracle on Ice." Now, some are calling yesterday's victory -- which took several NHL players, placed them on teams, and transported them to Vancouver during a period of about two weeks -- a second "miracle."

"It's really special for the fans," said U.S. player Chris Drury, who has a whopping ten goals in 57 games for the New York Rangers this season, but somehow managed to "step up" for yesterday's contest. "Beating those NHL players was one of the most exciting moments of my career."


U.S. Players celebrate after scoring on Canada's Martin Brodeur, something done quite often in the National Hockey League

"Everyone's saying they can't believe we lost," said Canada's Sidney Crosby. "I don't really see how it's that hard to believe."

What's next for the U.S. team? A bye into the medal round, which will surely feature more games against teams comprised of NHL players.

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Developing Story: Brett Favre Cannot Watch Super Bowl Without Constantly Commenting On What He Would Have Done

By Marty Strauss
Senior Staff Writer

MINNEAPOLIS, MN – After an unexpected loss to the New Orleans Saints, the Minnesota Vikings have been unable to even view the Super Bowl without an enormous amount of sighs and groans coming from a large entity in the corner of the room.

Now, due to the fact that one of the groans sounded very similar to “I shouldn’t have thrown that stupid pick," SnideSports can confirm that the "entity" is most likely Brett Favre. Other noted sounds coming from the Favre have been “Man, I would not have thrown the ball there, there was another guy wide open,” and “I would have been so good out there but now I’m in here, look at me,” followed by the occasional “C’mon man, are you kidding me?”

“At first we thought he was asleep, but then we noticed that every sigh or comment came directly after a play, observed Vikings receiver Sidney Rice. "This seemed to signal that he was actually criticizing the performance of both the Colts and the Saints."

Brett Favre, preparing to throw the interception that
would make him even more annoying than he was before.

“It has become increasingly hard to watch the game with Favre acting the way he is," added TE Visanthe Shiancoe. "We've tried to tell him to stop, but he doesn’t seem to pay any attention. It seems that he’s slipped into some sort of half-asleep half-awake state.

“The doctor that we called up told us it probably is a late traumatic reaction to his ‘completely screwing everything up for us’ at the NFC championship game. But I don’t know about that doctor’s credibility. He said his name was ‘Doc Surgeon’ or something. But I guess we’ll have to take his word for it.”

“Yes, we’ve tried shocking him out of it," noted "Big K" (as he is called by his teammates) Ryan Longwell. "It appears to be somewhat permanent at the moment. But it’s a good thing we chose to watch it at Adrian Peterson’s house, because he has another HDTV upstairs. We may just have to carry him upstairs if things get too bad.”

TICKER: Big Game Tonight?

USA -- Authorities have confirmed that a larger-than-usual sporting event is set to occur tonight. The game could target up to a million people across the United States, and even more across the world. A huge marketing event is reportedly in play, and advertising agencies are currently attempting to take advantage. Many frozen food companies are looking to prosper as sales on game-time snacks could be at an all-time high. For more info on the big game, watch it?

-By Jeremy and Marty Strauss

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Doc Rivers to Celtics-"Please Start Playing Well So I Look Like a Good Coach Again"

Slightly popular coach afraid team's play may affect his image

By Daniel Strauss

A distraught Boston Celtics coach Doc Rivers had a closed door meeting with his entire team after Sunday's heartbreaking one point loss to the Los Angeles Lakers, telling his team that if they didn't start playing well again, he would continue to look like a bad coach.

"You guys are making it look more and more like I had nothing to do with that championship season," Rivers said, doing his best not to make eye contact with anyone in the room. "Stop getting injured, or playing injured, or whatever you're doing. Just make me look good again, guys! I need this!"

Many had speculated after the Celtics dismal 2006-2007 campaign, during which the team finished with a 24 and 58 record, that Rivers might not be a particularly good NBA coach. But after the Celtics purchased an NBA title the following season by adding Kevin Garnett and Ray Allen to their lineup, the court of public opinion swung back in Rivers' favor. The once embattled coach became a citywide hero, and people actually started to get behind Paul Pierce's claim that he was the best player in the NBA, despite his previous season and stats without Garnett and Allen.
"I wanted him [Rivers] fired after 2007. Boy was I wrong," said one Boston fan. "I think he showed us all in '08 that he was great at coaching what was essentially a team of all-stars desperate to win a title. But now...well, I just don't know what to think!"

Amidst an onslaught of questions from reporters, Rivers did all he could to hold his ground.

"Look, the fact of the matter is, either they're going to have to start playing like they did two years ago again, or people are going to think I don't know what I'm doing," he told reporters, after the game. "And I do know what I'm doing. One hundred percent."

When asked by one reporter if he thought maybe a change from the current triangle offense the Celtics are running might help the team improve, Rivers replied he hadn't considered the idea, but was thinking about lining up a few different players at wide receiver.

Monday, February 1, 2010

Pro Bowl Apparently Counted for Home Field in Super Bowl

Once-ridiculous game now inexplicably important

By Jeremy Strauss
Editor-in-chief

MIAMI, FL -- When the final gun sounded on Sunday night's NFL Pro Bowl, a 41-34 AFC victory, fans and players alike thought they had put to rest the horrors of the world's most boring sporting event.

But just as those in attendance were waking up from their slumber to leave the arena, a male figure in a suit -- now noted to be NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell -- could be seen running on to the field and shouting a strange mantra over and over:

"That's home field for the AFC! Home field for the AFC!"


Players in this scene simply had no idea their actions had any affect on anyone's lives!

Alas, in one of the greatest tricks in all of professional sports, the NFL made last evening's Pro Bowl count toward home field next week's actual big game.

"We said it would be in Miami but it won't," laughed Goodell in an on-field press conference that took place directly after his rampage. "It's gonna be in Indianapapolis, 'cause the AFC won the game.

"First year of Super Bowl home field advantage begin!"

Despite the twist, somewhat confused players claimed after the game that they had no intention of playing hard during the contest.

"I guess I'm glad I could help out my conference," said the Texans' Matt Schaub, who was named the game's MVP. "But I really wasn't trying to win. It was just like any other Texans game."

"I've always been of the belief that All-Star games should count toward national championship games," said the Packers' Aaron Rodgers. "That's why I like baseball. I wish I had known. Maybe I would've tried a little more."


Despite the added pressure, Matt Schaub says he played "just like any other Texans game"

Luckily, this year's Super Bowl will be played in a dome, and thus could have been the site of the big game regardless of the new rule. However, future games could be played in cold climates such as Green Bay, Detroit, or even, as Goodell has suggested, Nova Scotia.

Sources say Goodell is attempting to get a new rule implemented that would allow the winning conference to choose whether the game is played in their home arena or at a neutral site in Nova Scotia, Canada.

"I just thought it would be fun," Goodell noted. "Lighten up."