Michael Vick Receives Standing Ovation for Fighting Dogs, Going to Prison, and Then Saying He Wont Fight Dogs Anymore

PHILADELPHIA-Michael Vick, recently acquired quarterback of the Philadelphia Eagles, and man who went to jail for financially backing the training of innocent dogs to fight one another, often to the death, was given a standing ovation from the fans in attendance as he made his way onto the field for his first preseason game as an Eagle at Veterans Stadium last night. "It's really amazing, what he's done." said long time Eagles fan, Brian Erdman. "I mean, the guy ran a huge dog fighting ring right out of his own home, and then got caught, and thrown in jail. Now, he's out of jail after serving a sentence, and getting tons of money to play football. What an inspiring story." Not everyone at the game was one hundred percent behind Vick however, as some fans remained in their seats while applauding for the embattled quarterback. "I'll stand up when I see us in the damn playoffs," Mark Stern, a fan who chose to stay seated said. "For all I care, they can trot some psychopath murderer out there, let's just win some damn games." Coach Andy Reid said all the players on the team can learn something from Vick's heartwarming and uplifting story of going to jail for committing a crime. "Especially my kids," he added, with a wink.

by Daniel Strauss

BREAKING NEWS: Baltimore Orioles Cancel Remainder of this Season, Next Two Seasons

After sign seen on team clubhouse door, announcement comes as little surprise; "We are so bad," says team's majority owner

By Jeremy Strauss

BALTIMORE, MD -- The last place Baltimore Orioles have cancelled the remainder of the 2009 season and the 2010 and 2011 seasons.

On Thursday morning, an anonymous Baltimore Sun beat writer encountered a sign on the Orioles clubhouse telling players to "go home and lay low for a while." Snide Sports can now confirm that the sign was written by the team's majority owner, Peter Angelos.


Angelos, seen here alongside steroid-user Sam Sosa, has made a drastic decision

Angelos has been blamed by many for the team's woes over the last ten years. Now, he's taking responsibility in the most peculiar of ways.

"I think we need a break from this nightmare," he told reporters on a conference call Thursday. "Seriously, like, it's enough of this crap already.

"We are so bad."

"I think everyone agrees this is the right thing to do," said Andy MacPhail, Orioles president of baseball operations. "We just need some time to relax, set things straight, so we can come back in 2012 and win some games. We owe this to our fans."

But while the decision might make perfect sense to the team's front office, the players are, to say the least, dumbfounded. Under the terms of the decision, Orioles must players must stay with the team until the beginning of the 2012 season, even if their contracts expire during the ensuing time period.

It is almost as if Baltimore players are frozen in time -- as athletes, that is -- for almost the next two and a half years.


Players like Brian Roberts don't quite understand how this could happen

"Yes, it kind of surprises me, this whole thing," said second baseman Brian Roberts. "To be honest with you, I appreciate the time off. But I don't really understand how this is legal."

"I gave plenty of service to this shitty excuse for a franchise," said a fuming outfielder Melvin Mora as he threw a chair. "If they don't give me a house on Cape Cod for the duration of this cancellation crap, there's going to be hell to pay."

But the front office has an answer for the players, some of whom -- like Roberts -- doubt the legality/morality of the arrangement. Under an MLB rule approved in 1917, franchises may cancel up to three seasons in a row and freeze players' contracts in the process if "good reason" exists. In this case, does "good reason" exist? That much is up to league Commissioner Bud Selig, who has already offered his commentary on the situation.

"I'll have my deliberation with my staff, but I think there's a good chance I'll approve it," said Selig on a conference call. "I mean, they don't even have the Rays to rely on at being in last place anymore."

Top baseball analysts too agree with Selig.

"A couple of years ago, the Orioles lost 30-3 in a game against the Rangers," said ESPN's Buster Olney. "Personally, I think they should've pulled out this tool then. This cancellation is even a bit late."

Under the rule, although Angelos plans to fight it "to the best of [his] ability," refunds to all ticket holders cannot be avoided.

What doesn't comply with the MLB rule, however, is Angelos' mandate -- with no exception -- that the players have their lockers cleared out by Friday morning for a full clubhouse fumigation.

Drunk Boston Fan Can't Tell Asian Red Sox Apart

BOSTON-Dave Haplert, a self described "die hard member of Red Sox nation," brought his knowledge of the team's roster, as well as his ability to tell Asian people apart, into question, when he confused Red Sox middle reliever Hideki Okajima for starting pitcher Daisuke Matsuzaka. "Come on Daisuke, put him over!" Halpert yelled, nearly spilling his fifth beer all over everyone sitting in front of him. "Strike him out, Dice-K! Throw the gyropitch!" Halpert's confusion reached a fever pitch when the Red Sox put in another of their Asian relievers, Takashi Saito, to close out the game. "Hey, Dice-K, stay in one place goddamit! Hiding in the outfield..." Halpert's two friends who accompanied him to the game could not be reached for comment, as they had already snuck away to a different seating section sometime around the 5th inning.

-- Daniel Strauss

DEVELOPING STORY: Baltimore Orioles Expected to Cancel Next Two Seasons

Players reportedly told to "go home and lay low until we get things straightened out"

BALTIMORE, MD -- After several seasons of losing and losing in the American League East and beyond, the Baltimore Orioles may soon get a much-needed rest -- for at least a couple of years.

According to multiple reports, the Orioles organization will make a major announcement in the next few days. Its point? The cancellation of the remainder of the 2009 season, as well as the 2010 and 2011 ones, too.

A Baltimore Sun beat reporter who asked to remain anonymous has stated that he saw a sign Thursday afternoon on the Orioles clubhouse door that read: "To all of our players: You have been good to us, but not good enough. We need to fix things up a bit. Please go home and lay low until we get things straightened out...possibly for the next two years." Baseball analysts are still trying to determine who wrote the sign.

"It makes perfect sense that the Orioles would cancel team operations for a little while," said ESPN's Tim Kurkjian, who previously covered the team as a beat writer. "Things have really gone downhill for them. They don't even have the Rays to rely on as being worst in the division anymore."

Stay with us here at Snide Sports as this story develops -- we'll have all the updates.

-- Jeremy Strauss

Giant Statue of Jerry Jones on Fifty Yard Line May Cause Unforeseen Problems

by Daniel Strauss

DALLAS -- The Dallas Cowboys new multimillion dollar facility may have come into even more unforeseen trouble.

This time, issues have arisen in the form of a hundred foot tall, solid silver statue of Jerry Jones situated on the fifty yard line. During the Cowboys last preseason game against the Tennessee Titans, players on both sides referred to the statue as "hard to avoid," "really shiny," and "seemingly completely unnecessary."

"I definitely had to rethink some of my passes on the fly when we were down by the fifty [yard line]," Dallas quarterback Tony Romo said. "Come to think of it, I wonder if that had something to do with the 25 sacks I took during the game. It seemed like I got hit more than usual."

"I was making this cut right around midfield, and I thought I was gonna have all this open green in front of me, but no, right there is big 'hundred-foot tall Jerry's' leg staring back at me," said Tennessee running back Chris Johnson. It's one hell of a home team advantage."

This isn't the first time the new stadium has run into some trouble for it's design. Earlier in the game, Tennessee kicker Rob Bironas had a punt bounce off the brand new, low hanging, HD screen, resulting in a rare football do-over.

"I honestly don't think I'd have hit it [the screen] if I could have taken my eyes off that giant-ass statue of Jerry," Bironas said. "Talk about distracting."

Jones himself had little to say on the matter, telling reporters Friday that the statue wasn't going anywhere. Asked if he felt the statue in any way compromised the integrity of the game, Jones replied, "I am the game, bitch."

"I think it's a trade-off," non partisan announcer Troy Aikman commented. "We lose T.O., but we get this wonderful statue. It should stay."

Fans can next see the Cowboys live on Saturday, August 29 (vs San Francisco), which, coincidentally, is Jerry Jones night at new Dallas Stadium (every child will be given a Jerry Jones mask and a fresh fifty dollar bill to rip up and thrown in the air during the game).

Mark Teixeira's Entire August Salary Paid in Sacagawea Coins

Star athlete completely unsure of what to do next

By Jeremy Strauss and Colleen McDermott

NEW YORK, NY -- Yankees first baseman Mark Teixeira may be a very rich man, but right now, he feels poorer than ever.

The Bronx Bombers star -- who is being paid $180 million over eight years with New York -- noticed a small issue with his share for the month of August: it was entirely composed of Sacagawea coins.

"Usually they just send me a check or something," said an understandably disgruntled Teixeira. "I don't even know what to do with this stuff. They're going to weigh down my wallet so much."

Yankees GM Brian Cashman claims he was trying to give Teixeira a "special surprise": i.e. a huge wad of cash instead of a check. According to the GM, a special note that read, "who's the real cash-man now?" was meant to be enclosed with the gift.

But when Cashman reached the bank, he faced trouble: there were no dollar bills available. Indeed, there were only Sacagawea dollars.

"I guess this is the sort of price we pay in this horrible economic crisis," said Cashman.

Above: The horrific scene on Teixeira's kitchen table
A sad Teixeira was hardly amused.

"I didn't even think they were still making these things," he said. "I was under the impression they faded out when people realized how inconvenient they were. Now, I have millions of them lying around."

A number of Yankee players were quick to offer their public support to the first baseman.

"I gotta say, I feel for the guy," said Derek Jeter. "Nobody wants to end up with even one of those [Sacagawea coins]. But to have so many, it's unfathomable."

"This is worse than the time Bernie Williams slipped on a banana peel," added longtime Yank Jorge Posada. "I give Mark all my support and hope he can spend those coins on something real fast, so someone else will be burdened with them."

Teixeira reportedly considered donating the coins to charity, but realized he "did not want anyone to go through what he is going through." Other options on what to do with the fortune, paid to Teixeira for standing on a bag and catching a ball every now and then, include simply burning the coins, throwing them at A-Rod in the clubhouse before games, or using them for batting practice.

Chase Utley Forces Emergency Stop of Phillies’ Team Bus to Visit That Place from “Diners, Drive-in’s, and Dives”

By Marty Strauss

TRENTON, NJ -- The Philadelphia Phillies trip from Philadelphia to the New York Mets Citi Field was interrupted this Saturday when second baseman Chase Utley called for an emergency stop of the trip to visit a restaurant which he had seen featured on the Food Network Show, “Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives.

Upon hearing repeated pleas to halt the vehicle, bus driver Ernie Watkins finally pulled over to what he had been told by Utley was a "quick little rest stop.” What Watkins found, however, was a small restaurant with only one dirty bathroom in the back.


Chase Utley forced a late arrival to Citi Field because of this "restaurant."

Phillies General Manager Rubén Amaro Jr. was justifiably displeased at Utley, who had deceieved the entire team into thinking it could finally go to the bathroom. Among those hit hardest by the one-toilet stop was first basemen Ryan Howard, who reportedly “really had to go real bad can’t talk now gotta go gotta go please go away."

While the rest of the team waited in line to use the pot, however, Utley could be found looking at a menu.

"Chase asked me whether he should get the Scrumptious Fried Chicken Dipped in Pudding or the Cheesy Fries with Bacon and Lard," said a disgruntled Amaro. "I told him to get the hell back on the bus and shut up."

"Those were the two dishes featured in that food network diner show," Utley explained later. "They both looked so good; I couldn't decide what to get."

Following a long argument with Amaro about possible health problems and urgent time constraints, Utley hid in the small bathroom and refused to come out unless he had his way. Finally, Amaro was forced to give in, and sat while Utley licked off all the fat from his awful, heart-attack-causing fried chicken.


Utley felt inclined to stop because of this man, who is sometimes on television.

"I felt just like that Guy Fieri," said Utley. "He's so awesome."

“Chase is really a kid inside," said outfielder Shane Victorino. "After he was done with the meal he dumped some beer on me, just like those fans at Wrigley. It was hilarious."

"This was just a little treat," added Amaro. "Besides, as much as I fought with him, it's nice to see those places in real life, even if they are dingy dumps."

The Phillies arrived in Citi Field promptly midway through the 4th inning, and took the field, replacing several good-sport Mets fans that had been playing instead of them. Utley, however, left the game in the 7th inning due to a tummy ache. He did not return and is day-to-day.

New Mitchell Report: Urlacher Guilty of Bear Fighting

By Jeremy Strauss

Shocking images like this one, which appears in George Mitchell's new report, could keep Brian Urlacher out of a job for quite some time.
WASHINGTON -- George Mitchell, a current special envoy to the Middle East and former senator who only recently shocked the world with his "Mitchell Report" on the usage of steroids in baseball, has a shocking new document out that reveals yet another dark story related to an NFL player.

The report, which was released Saturday and is entitled "How Brian Urlacher Made Bears Fight Each Other," accuses Chicago Bears linebacker Brian Urlacher of running a vicious bear fighting ring out of the Chicago Botanic Garden.

According to Mitchell, for approximately two years, Urlacher has been garnering bears of all shapes and sizes from nearby forests to participate in the ring. While the bears were fighting each night, Urlacher reportedly committed such horrifying acts as throwing chocolate into the ring, tapping the bears with twigs, or even forcing the animals to wear his football pads. Mitchell also claims that each fight was to the death, with Urlacher and the winning bear generally devouring the loser following the match.

George Mitchell explains how Urlacher encouraged bears to keep on fighting -- even if they were kind of tired.
"Mr. Urlacher's actions are disappointing in every sense of the word," said Ingrid Newkirk, president of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. "Bears are not meant to be violent creatures. They are loving animals, and anyone who turns them into killing machines deserves to be locked up."

"Brian has hurt Bears fans, Bears players, Bears coaches, and the lives of bears everywhere," said Ted Phillips, president and CEO of the Chicago Bears football team. "I can assure you the matter will be dealt with accordingly."

If Mitchell's words are true -- which many, including, apparently, the Chicago Bears, are assuming is the case -- Urlacher could face a minimum of six years in prison plus another six years of bear-related community service. The latter would entail working with bears each day in the forest to assure they harvest their food, as well as living with the bears on select nights.

Urlacher, who did not take any questions from the media, read a prepared statement in a press conference this morning.

"I would just like to say that I am a bear lover, and have always been one," said Urlacher. "I do not understand why Mr. Mitchell would accuse me of such ridiculous things. Furthermore, I do not understand why, as an American special envoy to the Middle East, Mr. Mitchell has involved himself in my personal business."

Brian Urlacher is tough on the field, but is he tough enough to face bear-fighting charges?
NFL Comissioner Roger Goodell has decided to hold off on suspending Urlacher until the situation unfolds more clearly. He did, however, offer some quick commentary on the situation.

"Yes, Michael Vick can play in the sixth game of the season," Goodell noted. "I'm sorry, did you just say something about a bear fighting itself?"

Ronny and Wally, two of the bears reportedly involved in Urlacher's ring, did not immediately return calls for this article.

Usain Bolt Apparently Running Out of "Sheer Terror"

A terrified Bolt runs frantically to escape what he calls "certain doom and damnation."
BERLIN -- Usain Bolt, the Jamaican sprinter who recently broke his own record for the 100m race with a time of 9.58 seconds, could only be reached briefly for comment post-race, as he refused to stop running, saying it was the only way he could escape from "the terrible thing, the horrible thing, that transcends even biblical standards of horror."

"I really can't stop running now, please you must understand," said Bolt, continuing to sprint at a top speed as reporters did their best to chase him down. "If I stop for even one second, that monstrosity will catch me, and I shall surely be devoured."

The Olympic standout then covered himself in holy water, tore his clothes, and ran out of the building, screaming, "Only those who repent shall be saved." Bolt is scheduled to appear on the Oprah Winfrey show this Friday.

-Daniel Strauss

Brett Favre’s daughter: “I’m glad my Daddy is going back to the Packers.”

MINNEAPOLIS -- Brett Favre’s recent announcement that a comment from his 10-year-old daughter factored heavily in his decision to return to the NFL has led to much investigation from media outlets into Favre’s true motives. On Friday, after her father repeatedly requested that she “tell them what you told me,” Breleigh Favre finally spoke out in a truly Favre-like emotional press conference. “It’s true,” Breleigh noted through a written statement. “I told my dad to go back to play football and win another Super Bowl. I’m glad my Daddy is going back to the Packers. Can I go now?” Despite a bombardment of questions, Breleigh declined to further respond, leaving her father, a self-proclaimed "family man" to explain a bit more. “I’ve enjoyed watching my daughter grow up so much. So much, in fact, that I need to let her do some growing up of her own. I’ll make sure to call her at least once a week when I’m on the road.”

-Jeremy Strauss

John Calipari Pretending Not to Know What SAT Is

By Daniel Strauss

INDIANAPOLIS -- Upon being told that his former University of Memphis squad would have to forfeit all 38 of their wins from the 2007-08 season due to point guard Derrick Rose’s ineligible SAT scores, John Calipari, current head coach of the University of Kentucky Men’s Basketball team, nervously tried to pretend he had never heard of the standardized college entry test.

Calipari denies his knowledge of the famous College Board exam.
“SA…what?” Calipari asked reporters, while scratching his wrists compulsively. “I’m not sure I’m familiar with anything like that…to get into college, you say? Hmmm…well, when I was a kid it just took good grades, a recommendation, and the glorious will to learn. But I suppose that’s just not enough for you people.”

Although this is the second time in his career Calipari has had to forfeit wins, – which has got to be some sort of record – Calipari stuck to his guns, steadfastly claiming he was unaware of the test’s existence.

“Look, you think if I knew this STP thing, or whatever it’s called, existed, I would keep doing this? What kind of person would that make me, if the only thing I cared about was winning basketball games, instead of educating America’s youth through a balance of liberal arts and focused extra-curricular sporting activity? I ask you, what kind of man would I be? ”

Calipari then called his press conference early, saying he was headed straight to the library to do some research on the validity of “this SBC whatchamacallit.”

John Madden Gets that Itch to Play Pro Football Again

By Jeremy Strauss

John Madden announces a return to professional football. Madden turned 73 earlier this year.

PHILADELPHIA -- Look out, Brett Favre. You may yet have even more competition at QB this season.

John Madden, an NFL legend in broadcasting and coaching, has announced he is in the process of a attempting a comeback into the league he retired from just 50 years ago.

Madden, a former 21st round draft pick by the Philadelphia Eagles in 1958, called it quits all too early with the onset of a crushing knee injury just a year after his selection. In fact, the former standout offensive tackle never even had the chance to play in a professional game. Now, Madden claims he’s trying to change all that – and this time, as a quarterback.

“I just thought, I wanna get back out there, get my hands out and swat the ball toward the other players,” Madden said Thursday at a press conference in Philadelphia. “This is the right decision. I know it.

“Nobody plays the game better than Brett Favre,” he added.

“There are at least a dozen teams that would have legitimate interest in John,” ESPN’s Chris Mortensen said. “Of course, the obvious choice is the Eagles. A McNabb-Vick-Madden tandem would be almost unstoppable.”

In fact, according to numerous reports, upon hearing Madden’s proclamation, Donovan McNabb sent Philly’s head coach Andy Reid a text message reading only: “SIGN HIM.” The text was eerily similar to the one just recently exchanged between the pair when Michael Vick became available, a detail that leads many to believe Madden will end up in the City of Brotherly Love.

Along with the Eagles, however, many analysts believe the Detroit Lions could be interested. In Detroit, where halfway adequate players are needed at nearly every position, an athlete of Madden’s caliber could be heavily desired.

The response from professional athletes using Twitter was nothing less than overwhelming: from the Redskins’ Albert Haynesworth, “we need a real quarterback…and now we can get one”; from Sidney Crosby, “I was excited for Favre, but this is revolutionary!”; and from notorious Twitter user Shaq, who immediately challenged Madden to a game of Tiddlywinks on his show 'Shaq vs.", “Good to have you back, John. It’s been too long.”

Brett Favre, who recently announced a comeback of his own but does not understand Twitter, was asked to comment on the situation at hand.

“Just like my arm at 39 isn’t what it was at age 20, I’m sure John’s arm at 73 isn’t what it used to be either,” Favre noted. “It’s going to be a tough road to get back, but I think he can do it if he tries real hard.”

Of course, Favre raises a strong point, which is that of Madden’s fitness status. If Madden reports to his next team’s upcoming preseason game overweight, he could face trouble. However, Madden assured fans that “a few minutes on the bike and some squat thrusts” would silence all critics.

Madden’s fear of flying could also be a setback. Taking his bus to all road games – which he assured reporters would certainly not change – would force the no-time all-star to miss several practices per week. However, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell reminded the public that John knows every team’s offense so well that missing a few practices here or there wouldn’t be a problem.

It has been additionally noted that most of the athletes currently in the NFL were not born when Madden was originally drafted. However, when asked whether the league’s changes in the past 50 years would negatively impact the comeback, Madden was quick to reply.

Can John Madden play with the big guns of the NFL?
“I’ve been sitting on my ass watching these games for so many years. I think I know what’s going on in this league.”

As a result of Madden's return, EA Sports announced plans to put Madden on the cover of the Madden NFL 2011 videogame. Madden reportedly placed a call to EA insisting that they pull his picture on account of the “Me-curse.”