Brett Favre: "I couldn't find my lucky socks."

"Legendary" quarterback attributes loss to lack of correct footwear

By Jeremy Strauss

NEW ORLEANS, LA -- In a shocking turn of events Sunday, Brett Favre failed to lead the Minnesota Vikings to the Super Bowl. However, Favre now wishes to notify the public that there may have been reasons additional to obvious ones that his team lost the game to the New Orleans Saints.

"I didn't feel right out there the whole game," said Favre. "I usually wear this pair of socks but I couldn't find them in the locker room. Seriously, it's this pair of Adidas. Has anyone seen them?"

According to Favre, the socks were in his trusty equipment bag before the team's flight to New Orleans this week. He first noticed the socks were missing just about 30 minutes prior to last night's kickoff.

When asked if he believed a representative from the Saints organization had stolen the socks, Favre didn't want to jump to conclusions -- but also left all possibilities open.

"I don't know about that. I mean, would you steal them? I've played every game this season with those socks, and they knew that. I'm not saying they did it, but I could understand if they did."

"I don't know if my guys stole the socks," said Saints head coach Sean Payton. "But I know one thing. For the good of the sport, we'd better find those socks immediately."


Above: One of the socks that Favre played without

Brad Childress, Favre's coach, told reporters he takes the matter very seriously.

"What you saw here tonight was a football game, but also a crime against football," he said, his voice slightly cracking. "If we don't find those socks and bring whoever took them to justice, Brett might never decide to play or retire again."

Pete Carroll Named Head Coach of Tennessee Volunteers Football Team

In a move stranger than bizarre, Pete Carroll was named head coach of the Tennessee Volunteers this morning, just days after leaving his job at USC to coach the Seattle Seahawks in the NFL. "It was time for a change," Carroll said. "The fact is, you go somewhere, you do all you can to make it the best place it can be, and when you're done, be it ten years or ten days, you're just done. You just know." A source close to the Seahawks said the team is now perusing current USC coach Lane Kiffin for their job, saying "it seems like the most sensible move." Carroll has announced that he does not want to violate recruiting rules, but any prospects he had recruited for Seattle are welcome to join him at Tennessee.

Wayne Gretzky Changes Last Name to NueveNueve

#99 now forever 99

By Jeremy Strauss
Editor-in-chief

TORONTO -- Changing one's last name to the Spanish number he wears or wore as a pro athlete is indeed one of the strangest trends in today's culture. Now, in the unlikeliest of events, hockey legend Wayne Gretzky has jumped on that bandwagon.

This Saturday, "the Great One" announced will never again go by the name that became synonymous with hockey, as a federal judge officially confirmed that Wayne Gretzky's name is now Wayne NueveNueve.

Sports fans remember well when Bengals pro football receiver Chad Johnson became Chad Ochocinco in 2008. Now, NueveNueve, who wore the famous #99 throughout his illustrious career, joins Ochocinco in a select class of excellence.

"I realize this decision may shock you, but I know in my heart that it's the right one," said NueveNueve. "I love Spanish, I love my number, and now I can show that eternally."


Wayne NueveNueve began his career with the Edmonton Oilers.

Gretzky -- er, NueveNueve, that is -- also wanted to make sure his fans realized that both N's in NueveNueve are capitalized. This apparently accentuates both 9's in the number while diverging NueveNueve from Ochocinco.

"I fully support Mr. NueveNueve's decision," said NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman. "I think we all ought to honor the greatest player in hockey history's choice and love him for it."

"Wayne NueveNueve was the greatest player I ever played alongside," said Mark Messier. "As you can see, I won't be even referring to his former name anymore."

NueveNueve said he has plans to promote other professional athletes to follow the path he has set.

"I'll never forget my playing days with Mark UnoUno," he said.

Former NHL Coach Actually Clint Eastwood

Surprising announcement comes week after firing

By Jeremy Strauss
Editor-in-chief

ST. LOUIS, MO -- Last week, the man we knew as Andy Murray, the now-former head coach of the NHL's St. Louis Blues, was relieved of his coaching duties due to the club's poor start. However, 'Murray' just may have never existed at all.

Just hours after a random blog posting this morning noting Murray's resemblence to actor/director Clint Eastwood, "Andy Murray," hockey coach, made an official announcement that he is actually Eastwood, and always has been.

"I am indeed 'Andy Murray,' the man who coached the LA Kings and St. Louis Blues since 1999," Eastwood said. "I wasn't sure when I was going to tell y'all, but here I am now so there ya go."


Above: Eastwood says he played Murray for several years, "just for the hell of it"

"He's always enjoyed hockey," said a source close to Eastwood who chose to remain anonymous. "It really doesn't surprise me that he did this."

Eastwood says when he created the persona, he had no idea he'd remain in hockey for ten years.

"I wanted to feel it out, see how long I could go for," he said. "Did I think I'd be here this long? No, probably not."

The St. Louis Blues, an organization Eastwood tricked into believing he was someone else entirely, were surprisingly understanding.

"I don't really get it, but he was a legitimate coach," said Blues president John Davidson. "We didn't fire him because he turned out to be Clint Eastwood, we fired him for hockey reasons. I hope he gets hired somewhere else soon."

Tiger Woods to Take Indefinite Leave from Cheating on his Wife

Star golfer says "it might be time for a break"

By Jeremy Strauss
Editor-in-Chief

ANYWHERE, USA -- It seems golfer Tiger Woods' little black book -- which has grown into a rather large black book -- may be put away to collect dust for a little while.

On Thursday, America's most beloved athlete stated publicly that he'll be taking an indefinite leave of absence from cheating on his wife -- a pasttime that originally put Woods on the map.

"Many of you forget that I have a family," said Woods. "Being in the public eye, you constantly want me to cheat on my wife and avoid my kids. But I think it might be time for a break."

Undoubtedly for Woods, filling the void created by not being able to cheat on his wife will be difficult. However, the inspirational hero to many claims that he has overcome odds in the past and is certain he can do it again.

"I know I can avoid cheating on her for these next few minutes," he said. "There, was that so hard?"


Tiger Woods will attempt to avoid cheating on this Swedish supermodel

In order to effectively execute this leave of absence, Woods will need to fully isolate himself from his wife and children for several weeks or even months. According to multiple reports, Woods has already contacted Gilette advertisement friend and footballer Thiery Henry for a place to lay low for a while.

"I told him I wanted to take a leave from handballing," joked Henry. "No, but seriously, I fully support Tiger's efforts to not cheat on his wife, at least until she divorces him."

When asked what he hopes to gain from this experimental leave, Woods unexpectedly left the press conference.

Gilbert Arenas: "I Did it Because of Grand Theft Auto"

WASHINGTON, DC-Recently suspended Washington Wizards point guard Gilbert Arenas is telling reporters that his reasoning behind bringing guns into the Wizards locker room was simple-he got the idea from playing the video game "Grand Theft Auto." "I was playing Grand Theft Auto IV, this one part in the game where you gun down an entire Russian gang, and then fly away in a helicopter, and it just hit me. I just had this sudden uncontrollable urge to bring guns to work." Arenas attests that the entire ordeal was in no way his fault, rather, it is the fault of video game industry for their excessive use of violence and "making it look so cool." Senator Joseph Lieberman has quickly jumped to Arenas's aid, starting a campaign to clear the maligned basketballers name called "Don't Blame Gil, Blame Video Games." "Games like Grand Theft Auto or Halo, they only exist to take normally sane people and turn them into malicious killers," Lieberman said, addressing congress on Tuesday. "Innocent, impressionable, slow minded people like Gilbert Arenas. And it's just wrong. Let's put a stop to video games-I mean violence. Violence in video games." Arenas went on to add that other reasons he brought guns to work were Eminem and Marilyn Manson's music, and the foul language he heard on South Park.

by Daniel Strauss