Tuesday, November 30, 2010

New York Mets Hold Successful Black Friday Sale

Above: Mr. Met throws a free T-shirt, symbolizing the sale's beginning
Right: Luis Castillo's price - a carton of Marlboro cigarettes

By Jeremy Strauss
Editor-in-chief

NEW YORK -- The New York Mets have certainly kept busy this offseason.

Having hired a new general manager and coach, the club's front office decided to shake things up this Thanksgiving, holding Major League Baseball's first ever Black Friday sale. From Friday morning until Tuesday afternoon, the Mets managed to sell their entire roster to other major league teams, clearing the slate for a new season.

"No more will the Mets be the joke of Major League Baseball," new manager Terry Collins proclaimed at the start of the sale. "We feel we couldn't win one game with the roster we have, and we plan to dump all of them."

And dump they did.

The Mets opened the doors to their sale -- which was held in a warehouse in Uniondale, Long Island -- the Friday after Thanksgiving at 4 AM. It didn't take long for the first transaction to be made, as the Pitttsburgh Pirates bargained for the oft-injured Carlos Beltran, earning his rights for $15.80 at 4:46 AM.

Pitcher Pedro Feliciano would be next, being sold to the Yankees in a backup catching role for a cool $5.67.

"The success of this sale is unprecedented," said Mets General Manager Sandy Alderson. "We never dreamed we'd be able to unload our entire crappy roster in just a few days and make over $100 in the process.

"Amazing. Just amazing."

While the Mets had originally envisioned the sale only lasting until Sunday evening, second baseman Luis Castillo proved to be, quite literally, a hard sell. Finally, at 3:41 PM EST on Tuesday, the Frederick Keys Single-A team bought the grounder-hitting phenom for a carton of Marlboro cigarettes, which, rather than cigars, the Mets front office elected to smoke in celebration to mark the grand conclusion of the event.



Minds around MLB agreed that the sale was something to be admired.

"I think it was a great idea," said Yankees Manager Joe Girardi. "I'm just sorry we couldn't get Francisco Rodriguez. We just weren't willing to spend the $10 the Royals were - not for a guy that violent. $8, maybe, but $10?"

"I'm happy with the sale, and I'm happy with what we got from it," said Orioles Manager Buck Showalter. "I couldn't get my kids the toys they wanted on Black Friday, but I managed to land Daniel Murphy for $0.80."






Above: Castillo reacts to the news of his sale.

Saturday, July 31, 2010

Albert Haynesworth Fails PSAT, Too


Redskins' Defensive Specialist Can't Seem to Get Anything Right at Camp

By Jeremy Strauss
Editor-in-Chief

ASHBURN, VA -- The buzz at Redskins Park around Albert Haynesworth has been anything but positive this week.

After twice failing the team's conditioning test, on Thursday, Haynesworth achieved particularly low marks on another team requirement: the "practice" PSAT.

New head coach Mike Shanahan instituted the requirement at the start of his tenure in Washington, saying that all team members should know basic math, reading and writing skills in order to play football.

"Everyone has to take it," said Shanahan. "Albert's no exception. He has to be able to run 300 yards and know the Pythagorean Theorum."

However, unlike the conditioning test, Haynesworth won't be allowed to take the standardized test until he passes. Just one more failure could mean a conditional release.

"This is serious," said a source close to Haynesworth who chose to remain anonymous. "He's been studying really hard, every night. Got one of those big, thick books from Barnes and Noble."

"I think he'll be fine," said Washington's new quarterback Donovan McNabb. "Just put 'C,' a lot, that's what I told him."

Haynesworth was unavailable for comment.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Dwyane Wade: "Not Being Near My Kids" Was a Factor


MIAMI, FL -- Dwyane Wade, the Miami Heat star who was recently-resigned to play alongside NBA phenoms Chris Bosh and Lebron James, told reporters on Tuesday that not being close to his two children played a major role in his decision to remain in Miami. Wade's two kids currently live with their mother (Wade's ex-wife) in Chicago. "Not being near my kids, having that ability to do whatever I want, that's the kind of stuff I was interested in," Wade said, adding, "They aren't that much fun to be around." Wade also noted that his kids are welcome to fly down to Florida and stay with him "every couple of months" if they so desire.

-Jeremy Strauss

Jason Bay Sent to T-Ball League on Assignment


Mets' struggling outfielder to get back to basics

By Jeremy Strauss
Editor-in-chief

KATONAH, NY -- To say Jason Bay hasn't lived up to the Mets expectations this season would be a tremendous understatement. On Tuesday, the organization finally took action to try and get #44 back on his game, sending Bay down to the Katonah Jellybeans, the club's T-ball affiliate.

Bay's rehab stint in Katonah is expected to be indefinite, and will hopefully, in the words of GM Omar Minaya, "reteach him the fundamentals of what it means to hit a baseball."

"We're so happy to have Jason here," said Carl Rothblatt, the team's coach and father of Jellybeans first basewoman Rebecca Rothblatt. "It'll be nice to have an extra bat for the cleanup spot. And an extra hand for when we take the kids out for pizza after the game."


Above: Bay's new head coach

In Katonah, Bay will train with the team's strength and conditioning coach Eric Clark (father of centerfielder Bengy Clark) at the local Golds Gym and on the grounds of the town's main elementary school.

"I've got a ton of jump ropes and bicycles that I take out for my kids on the weekend," said Clark. "This is really going to be fun."

In Bay's first game with the team, a preseason contest against the White Plains Bombers, Bay went 0-3 with two strikeouts and a walk. He was replaced in the sixth inning by pinch runner Emily Daniels.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

TICKER: Cubs Place Carlos Zambrano on Mentally Disabled List


Venezuelan starter may be out for "quite some time"

CHICAGO -- Carlos Zambrano's latest tirade against the Derek Lee and the Chicago Cubs has stirred up all kinds of controversy on and off the field, leading the team to place Zambrano on the MLB Mentally Disabled List Tuesday evening.

In a statement released by the Cubs, the organization stated that Zambrano is simply "not like the rest of us," and that "his head just isn't here."

"Carlos will be off the team for as long as it takes him to stop being crazy," said Cubs GM Jim Hendry. "He's kind of a nutjob."

Zambrano did not take the news well.

"This really hurt me," he said. "I'm not a disable. My arm working just fine."

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Knicks Sign Gheorghe Muresan in Push for Lebron


New York adds aging star to roster in desperate attempt to land "King" James

By Jeremy Strauss
Editor-in-chief

NEW YORK -- Gheorghe Muresan, the 7'7" giant from Romania who ties the record for the tallest player to ever play in the NBA, is coming out of retirement.

With their sights set on luring Lebron James to the Big Apple, the Knicks persuaded Muresan, the former Washington Bullets star quite clearly known for his height, to take a second stab at a career.

"This is a great day for me and my family," said Muresan, before joking, "and Lebron -- what are you waiting for?"

Knicks coach Mike D'Antoni said the signing certainly gives New York more depth at the center position.

"He's no Nate Robinson, that's for sure," said D'Antoni. "I really like that about him."


An ecstatic Muresan returns to the NBA to play for one of its worst teams

Muresan is signed for two years, but in one of the strangest contracts in the history of professional sports. First, he becomes the first player ever to earn an hourly wage ($20/hour) rather than a yearly salary. Second, Muresan must complete at least seven hours per week of "Lebron service" leading up to the eventual day Lebron is signed to the Knicks. This can include anything from TV spots to calling Lebron on the phone and pushing his move east.

If such a signing never happens, Muresan's wage will drop $5/hour.

"I've only got a few days until free agency begins," said Muresan. "I'd better get to work."

Monday, April 12, 2010

Tiger Woods Loses Masters, Lets Down Adulterers Everywhere

AP (Augusta)-Embattled golfer Tiger Woods failed to win the 2010 Masters Tournament on Sunday, sending a crushing blow to adulterers all across the country, and, for that matter, the world. "I am truly sorry to the global community of adulterers who I have let down with this loss," a sober Woods told the press after he was officially eliminated from the tournament. "I wanted to show people that you can cheat on your wife, literally hundreds of times, with porn stars and cocktail waitresses, really, whoever is around, and still be a hero and a champion. But I failed." Things seem to just keep getting worse for the former king of the golf world, as Woods now stands to lose millions in pro-adultery sponsorships. This year's Masters champion, long time pro Phil Mickelson, has never cheated on his wife or sent a filthy text message to a porn star, a fact that certainly doesn't shine the most positive light on the pro-adultery community. Needless to say, this is a loss that will be felt for a very long time by politicians and pretty much every NFL player ever for a long, long time.

by Daniel Strauss

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

New Study: SportsCenter Now 95% Inside Jokes


Groundbreaking report reveals that now only 5% of show spent covering sports

By Jeremy Strauss
Editor-in-chief

BRISTOL, CT -- A new analysis released this week by the Sports Media Commission (SMC) notes that over the past year, approximately 95 percent of the ESPN hit highlight reel show SportsCenter has been spent on inside jokes between anchors, leaving just five percent for actual sports.

"Josh Elliot's coffee-getting habits during the break are not funny or relevant to viewers," said Eric Wrangle, Executive Director of SMC. "Apparently, the anchors think otherwise."

The report notes that today's SportsCenter anchors make so many "countless references" to events that occurred off camera that the show itself has become a complete joke. SportsCenter, according to SMC, has essentially evolved into an exclusive party to which America's viewers are not invited.

"Ever wonder why Hannah Storm can't stop laughing while reading the teleprompter for a Spurs-Lakers highlight?" said Jose Rodriguez-Pena, Executive Director of SMC Latin America. "Me too. I think everyone's wondering that these days. It's really annoying."

SportsCenter anchors responded to the allegations of insidejokedness rather unseriously.


SportsCenter, the world's funniest television program

"Jokes?" said Josh Elliot between uncontrollable spurts of laughter. "I don't make jokes on the air. Except for that time Sage Steele called me a jerk just before we came back from commercial. Couldn't hold back the tears on air!"

Wrangle says if the jokes continue, the anchors' job securities -- which seem so secure these days -- could be in doubt.

"I don't think anyone wants to watch SportsCenter these days," he said. "It's their only option for sports highlights. But it might be time for a changing of the guard from these little jesters."

Friday, February 26, 2010

Oregon Football Player Suspended for Creating Homemade Doomsday Device

Coach Chip Kelly speaks with the press about the Oregon Ducks football team's latest calamity.

By Daniel Strauss

In yet another blow to the Oregon Ducks football program, Coach Chip Kelly announced Friday that he was forced to ask junior offensive lineman Ramsen Golpashin to leave the team after finding a homemade doomsday device in Golpashin's off campus apartment.

"I was making a stop at Ramsen's house to tell him he was going to be a team captain next year," a visibly upset Kelly said, at a press conference Friday. "I knocked on the door and just heard all this scurrying around on the other side. Sure enough, when he opened the door, there it was. A doomsday machine. I've seen enough of those to know in my day to recognize it instantly."

It seems Oregon's players can't stay out of trouble this tumultuous offseason, which so far has included running back LaMichael James' domestic abuse case, and the removal of wideout Jamere Holland because of an expletive-filled Facebook status update. But, Kelly told reporters, Golpashin's suspension trumps them all.

"I always knew there was something off about that kid," Kelly said. "I'm just ashamed I didn't act on my gut feeling sooner. If he'd been able to carry out his dastardly plan...well...well, I just don't want to think about it."

Golpashin reacted to his ejection from the squad via a written statement through his publicist. "The only thing I did wrong was get caught. Soon, I shall have my revenge on Chip Kelly, the Ducks, and then, the world."

Asked if he would ever think about reinstating Golpashin, Kelly took a moment, and then offered this response. "If we're undefeated through week four? Yeah. Probably."

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Lindsey Vonn: "My days of relevance are numbered."


Olympic Skier likely to lose all popularity very soon

By Jeremy Strauss
Editor-in-chief

VANCOUVER, BC -- Today, Lindsey Vonn is a U.S. champion Olympic skier, the pride of her country, and a role model for girls everywhere. In a few days time, however, nearly all of those titles will disappear.

"To most people, the Olympics are cool for at least a few hours," Vonn said on Wednesday. "Then, it's like, I'd rather watch the Yankee game. I now realize my days of relevance are numbered."

Yes, a week from now, skiing will return from its current primetime position to its rightful place on random Saturday afternoons when nothing else is on. The sport will change from a must-watch to a must-turn-off-immediately, as Americans slowly begin to remember its sheer tediousness.

Most importantly, the excitement of snow on hills will go back to being just snow on hills.

"I'm glad I'm on T.V. all the time now," said Vonn. "People get to see me talking about my sport and actually skiing. This is something that only comes about twice every decade for me.

"It's like I'm sort of famous."


Vonn claims skiing will likely return to its original state of irrelevance quite soon

Like most Olympians, Scott Moir, a Canadian ice dancer who recently brought home a gold medal for his country, echoed Vonn's sentiments.

"My sport is especially irrelevant," said Moir. "I mean, during the Olympics, a lot of people even think it's irrelevant. A few weeks from now, think of how little people will care about me."

Shaun White, an American snowboarder, has shot down Vonn's comments, claiming they misrepresented most Olympians.

"I'm sort of famous," he said. "And I'm sort of famous year round. No damn skier is gonna take that away from me."

Monday, February 22, 2010

NHL Players Defeat Other NHL Players in Ice Hockey Game


Nation Stands Still for "Miracle on Ice"

By Jeremy Strauss
Editor-in-Chief

VANCOUVER, BC -- The Olympics are a time for pride in one's country. Yesterday, all American eyes were on the U.S. Men's Hockey team as they battled Team Canada in a non-NHL game of ice hockey.

The result was an absolutely miraculous 5-3 victory for the USA, proving that if some NHL players play on one side and some play on another, the outcome of the game, although sometimes improbable, may favor the less-favored side.

"It was sort of like if the Carolina Hurricanes had beaten the Detroit Red Wings," said U.S. Coach Ron Wilson. "Kind of unlikely, but since they're all professional players playing in the same league, it's really not that amazing."

Indeed, fans across the nation marveled at how such an incredible upset -- which featured players from the New York Rangers actually beating players from the Pittsburgh Penguins and Columbus Blue Jackets -- could take place.


U.S. goalie Ryan Miller silences opponents he sees for a living -- literally.

"I didn't like hockey before, but now I do because it really shows how far our country has come," said Paul Hendrix of Portland, ME. "This game just means so much more. It's a miracle. They've been talking about it on Sports Center all day.

"This is way better than the NHL," he added.

The U.S. team was touted as an underdog from the start of the Olympics, a classification that evoked memories of the 1980 team that upset the Soviets in what has become known as the "Miracle on Ice." Now, some are calling yesterday's victory -- which took several NHL players, placed them on teams, and transported them to Vancouver during a period of about two weeks -- a second "miracle."

"It's really special for the fans," said U.S. player Chris Drury, who has a whopping ten goals in 57 games for the New York Rangers this season, but somehow managed to "step up" for yesterday's contest. "Beating those NHL players was one of the most exciting moments of my career."


U.S. Players celebrate after scoring on Canada's Martin Brodeur, something done quite often in the National Hockey League

"Everyone's saying they can't believe we lost," said Canada's Sidney Crosby. "I don't really see how it's that hard to believe."

What's next for the U.S. team? A bye into the medal round, which will surely feature more games against teams comprised of NHL players.

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Developing Story: Brett Favre Cannot Watch Super Bowl Without Constantly Commenting On What He Would Have Done

By Marty Strauss
Senior Staff Writer

MINNEAPOLIS, MN – After an unexpected loss to the New Orleans Saints, the Minnesota Vikings have been unable to even view the Super Bowl without an enormous amount of sighs and groans coming from a large entity in the corner of the room.

Now, due to the fact that one of the groans sounded very similar to “I shouldn’t have thrown that stupid pick," SnideSports can confirm that the "entity" is most likely Brett Favre. Other noted sounds coming from the Favre have been “Man, I would not have thrown the ball there, there was another guy wide open,” and “I would have been so good out there but now I’m in here, look at me,” followed by the occasional “C’mon man, are you kidding me?”

“At first we thought he was asleep, but then we noticed that every sigh or comment came directly after a play, observed Vikings receiver Sidney Rice. "This seemed to signal that he was actually criticizing the performance of both the Colts and the Saints."

Brett Favre, preparing to throw the interception that
would make him even more annoying than he was before.

“It has become increasingly hard to watch the game with Favre acting the way he is," added TE Visanthe Shiancoe. "We've tried to tell him to stop, but he doesn’t seem to pay any attention. It seems that he’s slipped into some sort of half-asleep half-awake state.

“The doctor that we called up told us it probably is a late traumatic reaction to his ‘completely screwing everything up for us’ at the NFC championship game. But I don’t know about that doctor’s credibility. He said his name was ‘Doc Surgeon’ or something. But I guess we’ll have to take his word for it.”

“Yes, we’ve tried shocking him out of it," noted "Big K" (as he is called by his teammates) Ryan Longwell. "It appears to be somewhat permanent at the moment. But it’s a good thing we chose to watch it at Adrian Peterson’s house, because he has another HDTV upstairs. We may just have to carry him upstairs if things get too bad.”

TICKER: Big Game Tonight?

USA -- Authorities have confirmed that a larger-than-usual sporting event is set to occur tonight. The game could target up to a million people across the United States, and even more across the world. A huge marketing event is reportedly in play, and advertising agencies are currently attempting to take advantage. Many frozen food companies are looking to prosper as sales on game-time snacks could be at an all-time high. For more info on the big game, watch it?

-By Jeremy and Marty Strauss

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Doc Rivers to Celtics-"Please Start Playing Well So I Look Like a Good Coach Again"

Slightly popular coach afraid team's play may affect his image

By Daniel Strauss

A distraught Boston Celtics coach Doc Rivers had a closed door meeting with his entire team after Sunday's heartbreaking one point loss to the Los Angeles Lakers, telling his team that if they didn't start playing well again, he would continue to look like a bad coach.

"You guys are making it look more and more like I had nothing to do with that championship season," Rivers said, doing his best not to make eye contact with anyone in the room. "Stop getting injured, or playing injured, or whatever you're doing. Just make me look good again, guys! I need this!"

Many had speculated after the Celtics dismal 2006-2007 campaign, during which the team finished with a 24 and 58 record, that Rivers might not be a particularly good NBA coach. But after the Celtics purchased an NBA title the following season by adding Kevin Garnett and Ray Allen to their lineup, the court of public opinion swung back in Rivers' favor. The once embattled coach became a citywide hero, and people actually started to get behind Paul Pierce's claim that he was the best player in the NBA, despite his previous season and stats without Garnett and Allen.
"I wanted him [Rivers] fired after 2007. Boy was I wrong," said one Boston fan. "I think he showed us all in '08 that he was great at coaching what was essentially a team of all-stars desperate to win a title. But now...well, I just don't know what to think!"

Amidst an onslaught of questions from reporters, Rivers did all he could to hold his ground.

"Look, the fact of the matter is, either they're going to have to start playing like they did two years ago again, or people are going to think I don't know what I'm doing," he told reporters, after the game. "And I do know what I'm doing. One hundred percent."

When asked by one reporter if he thought maybe a change from the current triangle offense the Celtics are running might help the team improve, Rivers replied he hadn't considered the idea, but was thinking about lining up a few different players at wide receiver.

Monday, February 1, 2010

Pro Bowl Apparently Counted for Home Field in Super Bowl

Once-ridiculous game now inexplicably important

By Jeremy Strauss
Editor-in-chief

MIAMI, FL -- When the final gun sounded on Sunday night's NFL Pro Bowl, a 41-34 AFC victory, fans and players alike thought they had put to rest the horrors of the world's most boring sporting event.

But just as those in attendance were waking up from their slumber to leave the arena, a male figure in a suit -- now noted to be NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell -- could be seen running on to the field and shouting a strange mantra over and over:

"That's home field for the AFC! Home field for the AFC!"


Players in this scene simply had no idea their actions had any affect on anyone's lives!

Alas, in one of the greatest tricks in all of professional sports, the NFL made last evening's Pro Bowl count toward home field next week's actual big game.

"We said it would be in Miami but it won't," laughed Goodell in an on-field press conference that took place directly after his rampage. "It's gonna be in Indianapapolis, 'cause the AFC won the game.

"First year of Super Bowl home field advantage begin!"

Despite the twist, somewhat confused players claimed after the game that they had no intention of playing hard during the contest.

"I guess I'm glad I could help out my conference," said the Texans' Matt Schaub, who was named the game's MVP. "But I really wasn't trying to win. It was just like any other Texans game."

"I've always been of the belief that All-Star games should count toward national championship games," said the Packers' Aaron Rodgers. "That's why I like baseball. I wish I had known. Maybe I would've tried a little more."


Despite the added pressure, Matt Schaub says he played "just like any other Texans game"

Luckily, this year's Super Bowl will be played in a dome, and thus could have been the site of the big game regardless of the new rule. However, future games could be played in cold climates such as Green Bay, Detroit, or even, as Goodell has suggested, Nova Scotia.

Sources say Goodell is attempting to get a new rule implemented that would allow the winning conference to choose whether the game is played in their home arena or at a neutral site in Nova Scotia, Canada.

"I just thought it would be fun," Goodell noted. "Lighten up."

Sunday, January 24, 2010

Brett Favre: "I couldn't find my lucky socks."


"Legendary" quarterback attributes loss to lack of correct footwear

By Jeremy Strauss

NEW ORLEANS, LA -- In a shocking turn of events Sunday, Brett Favre failed to lead the Minnesota Vikings to the Super Bowl. However, Favre now wishes to notify the public that there may have been reasons additional to obvious ones that his team lost the game to the New Orleans Saints.

"I didn't feel right out there the whole game," said Favre. "I usually wear this pair of socks but I couldn't find them in the locker room. Seriously, it's this pair of Adidas. Has anyone seen them?"

According to Favre, the socks were in his trusty equipment bag before the team's flight to New Orleans this week. He first noticed the socks were missing just about 30 minutes prior to last night's kickoff.

When asked if he believed a representative from the Saints organization had stolen the socks, Favre didn't want to jump to conclusions -- but also left all possibilities open.

"I don't know about that. I mean, would you steal them? I've played every game this season with those socks, and they knew that. I'm not saying they did it, but I could understand if they did."

"I don't know if my guys stole the socks," said Saints head coach Sean Payton. "But I know one thing. For the good of the sport, we'd better find those socks immediately."


Above: One of the socks that Favre played without

Brad Childress, Favre's coach, told reporters he takes the matter very seriously.

"What you saw here tonight was a football game, but also a crime against football," he said, his voice slightly cracking. "If we don't find those socks and bring whoever took them to justice, Brett might never decide to play or retire again."

Friday, January 15, 2010

Pete Carroll Named Head Coach of Tennessee Volunteers Football Team

In a move stranger than bizarre, Pete Carroll was named head coach of the Tennessee Volunteers this morning, just days after leaving his job at USC to coach the Seattle Seahawks in the NFL. "It was time for a change," Carroll said. "The fact is, you go somewhere, you do all you can to make it the best place it can be, and when you're done, be it ten years or ten days, you're just done. You just know." A source close to the Seahawks said the team is now perusing current USC coach Lane Kiffin for their job, saying "it seems like the most sensible move." Carroll has announced that he does not want to violate recruiting rules, but any prospects he had recruited for Seattle are welcome to join him at Tennessee.

Saturday, January 9, 2010

Wayne Gretzky Changes Last Name to NueveNueve


#99 now forever 99

By Jeremy Strauss
Editor-in-chief

TORONTO -- Changing one's last name to the Spanish number he wears or wore as a pro athlete is indeed one of the strangest trends in today's culture. Now, in the unlikeliest of events, hockey legend Wayne Gretzky has jumped on that bandwagon.

This Saturday, "the Great One" announced will never again go by the name that became synonymous with hockey, as a federal judge officially confirmed that Wayne Gretzky's name is now Wayne NueveNueve.

Sports fans remember well when Bengals pro football receiver Chad Johnson became Chad Ochocinco in 2008. Now, NueveNueve, who wore the famous #99 throughout his illustrious career, joins Ochocinco in a select class of excellence.

"I realize this decision may shock you, but I know in my heart that it's the right one," said NueveNueve. "I love Spanish, I love my number, and now I can show that eternally."


Wayne NueveNueve began his career with the Edmonton Oilers.

Gretzky -- er, NueveNueve, that is -- also wanted to make sure his fans realized that both N's in NueveNueve are capitalized. This apparently accentuates both 9's in the number while diverging NueveNueve from Ochocinco.

"I fully support Mr. NueveNueve's decision," said NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman. "I think we all ought to honor the greatest player in hockey history's choice and love him for it."

"Wayne NueveNueve was the greatest player I ever played alongside," said Mark Messier. "As you can see, I won't be even referring to his former name anymore."

NueveNueve said he has plans to promote other professional athletes to follow the path he has set.

"I'll never forget my playing days with Mark UnoUno," he said.

Former NHL Coach Actually Clint Eastwood


Surprising announcement comes week after firing

By Jeremy Strauss
Editor-in-chief

ST. LOUIS, MO -- Last week, the man we knew as Andy Murray, the now-former head coach of the NHL's St. Louis Blues, was relieved of his coaching duties due to the club's poor start. However, 'Murray' just may have never existed at all.

Just hours after a random blog posting this morning noting Murray's resemblence to actor/director Clint Eastwood, "Andy Murray," hockey coach, made an official announcement that he is actually Eastwood, and always has been.

"I am indeed 'Andy Murray,' the man who coached the LA Kings and St. Louis Blues since 1999," Eastwood said. "I wasn't sure when I was going to tell y'all, but here I am now so there ya go."


Above: Eastwood says he played Murray for several years, "just for the hell of it"

"He's always enjoyed hockey," said a source close to Eastwood who chose to remain anonymous. "It really doesn't surprise me that he did this."

Eastwood says when he created the persona, he had no idea he'd remain in hockey for ten years.

"I wanted to feel it out, see how long I could go for," he said. "Did I think I'd be here this long? No, probably not."

The St. Louis Blues, an organization Eastwood tricked into believing he was someone else entirely, were surprisingly understanding.

"I don't really get it, but he was a legitimate coach," said Blues president John Davidson. "We didn't fire him because he turned out to be Clint Eastwood, we fired him for hockey reasons. I hope he gets hired somewhere else soon."

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Tiger Woods to Take Indefinite Leave from Cheating on his Wife


Star golfer says "it might be time for a break"

By Jeremy Strauss
Editor-in-Chief

ANYWHERE, USA -- It seems golfer Tiger Woods' little black book -- which has grown into a rather large black book -- may be put away to collect dust for a little while.

On Thursday, America's most beloved athlete stated publicly that he'll be taking an indefinite leave of absence from cheating on his wife -- a pasttime that originally put Woods on the map.

"Many of you forget that I have a family," said Woods. "Being in the public eye, you constantly want me to cheat on my wife and avoid my kids. But I think it might be time for a break."

Undoubtedly for Woods, filling the void created by not being able to cheat on his wife will be difficult. However, the inspirational hero to many claims that he has overcome odds in the past and is certain he can do it again.

"I know I can avoid cheating on her for these next few minutes," he said. "There, was that so hard?"


Tiger Woods will attempt to avoid cheating on this Swedish supermodel

In order to effectively execute this leave of absence, Woods will need to fully isolate himself from his wife and children for several weeks or even months. According to multiple reports, Woods has already contacted Gilette advertisement friend and footballer Thiery Henry for a place to lay low for a while.

"I told him I wanted to take a leave from handballing," joked Henry. "No, but seriously, I fully support Tiger's efforts to not cheat on his wife, at least until she divorces him."

When asked what he hopes to gain from this experimental leave, Woods unexpectedly left the press conference.

Gilbert Arenas: "I Did it Because of Grand Theft Auto"


WASHINGTON, DC-Recently suspended Washington Wizards point guard Gilbert Arenas is telling reporters that his reasoning behind bringing guns into the Wizards locker room was simple-he got the idea from playing the video game "Grand Theft Auto." "I was playing Grand Theft Auto IV, this one part in the game where you gun down an entire Russian gang, and then fly away in a helicopter, and it just hit me. I just had this sudden uncontrollable urge to bring guns to work." Arenas attests that the entire ordeal was in no way his fault, rather, it is the fault of video game industry for their excessive use of violence and "making it look so cool." Senator Joseph Lieberman has quickly jumped to Arenas's aid, starting a campaign to clear the maligned basketballers name called "Don't Blame Gil, Blame Video Games." "Games like Grand Theft Auto or Halo, they only exist to take normally sane people and turn them into malicious killers," Lieberman said, addressing congress on Tuesday. "Innocent, impressionable, slow minded people like Gilbert Arenas. And it's just wrong. Let's put a stop to video games-I mean violence. Violence in video games." Arenas went on to add that other reasons he brought guns to work were Eminem and Marilyn Manson's music, and the foul language he heard on South Park.

by Daniel Strauss