INDIANAPOLIS -- Upon being told that his former University of Memphis squad would have to forfeit all 38 of their wins from the 2007-08 season due to point guard Derrick Rose’s ineligible SAT scores, John Calipari, current head coach of the University of Kentucky Men’s Basketball team, nervously tried to pretend he had never heard of the standardized college entry test.
“SA…what?” Calipari asked reporters, while scratching his wrists compulsively. “I’m not sure I’m familiar with anything like that…to get into college, you say? Hmmm…well, when I was a kid it just took good grades, a recommendation, and the glorious will to learn. But I suppose that’s just not enough for you people.”
Although this is the second time in his career Calipari has had to forfeit wins, – which has got to be some sort of record – Calipari stuck to his guns, steadfastly claiming he was unaware of the test’s existence.
“Look, you think if I knew this STP thing, or whatever it’s called, existed, I would keep doing this? What kind of person would that make me, if the only thing I cared about was winning basketball games, instead of educating America’s youth through a balance of liberal arts and focused extra-curricular sporting activity? I ask you, what kind of man would I be? ”
Calipari then called his press conference early, saying he was headed straight to the library to do some research on the validity of “this SBC whatchamacallit.”
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