Yankees Hope Fans Enjoy New Stadium as Much as They Do

They don’t enjoy it that much

By Marty Strauss

NEW YORK -- The New York Yankees have announced to the world that they hope their fans' sentiments about the club's brand new stadium echo those of the team -- although those of the team might not be that spectacular.

“Representing the New York Yankees, I would like to publicly tell our fans that we hope that they enjoy this new stadium as much as we do,” announced Derek Jeter after last Sunday's matinee.

“We don’t enjoy it that much,” he added after a short pause.

“This stadium is simply not up to our prestigious Yankee standards. The field, to begin, is not green enough for us," said Jorge Posada. "A proper field must be deeper green. I am sure that you can understand and have seen this before. Also, the locker rooms are horrible. No hot tubs? No bath? The showers don’t even always have warm water! Surely you can’t expect us to live at these conditions.”

Posada went on to list many more “problems” with the new Yankee Stadium, including the small capacity (less than 400,000, Alex Rodriguez’s favorite number), the dirty bases, and the crappy food stands, which do not sell the Yankee Classic Filet Mignon or Veal Parmigiana.

“We simply want our fans to enjoy the stadium just as much as we do," interjected Jeter, who had unexpectedly joined Posada's press conference. "We feel that we connect with them, and we want to keep this bond as strong as possible. So next time you visit our stadium, try to complain a lot, and have a generally annoyed disposition. And remember, the players out on that field feel the same exact way that you do!”

Newly added Yankees first baseman Mark Teixeira had a more anger-filled position.

“We ain’t havin’ too much fun out here, you know. This stadium, it blows. And still we see da fans havin’ a blast like it’s New Year’s Eve. I just don’t want my fans havin’ more fun than me. We, the players should have more fun. This our profession. How fair is it for the fans to have more fun than the players? It just ain’t right.”

Alex Rodriguez's view of the stadium is undoubtedly important to his fans.

Alex Rodriguez, however, had an indifferent view.

“Oh man, it’s so exciting to get to talk up here, on the stand. I’ve never get to go up here anymore, this is really great. They don’t let me up here now because I might talk about my steroids. Oops, should I have not said that? Whatever, it’s too late now. Anyway – how do I feel about this? I don’t know man, the fans, they cool. I mean, they come to our games and all. The stadium? Oh man, it blows. I can’t play there anymore, man. But I guess I gotta.”

Starting this Saturday, the Yankees will honor these statements by raising ticket prices and putting a ban on all free fan gifts until further notice.