BREAKING NEWS: Mr. Met traded to Washington Nationals for Screech

Monumental exchange marks the end of an era

Mr. Met, exuberant after hearing the news that he could
finally leave one of baseball's most depressing franchises.

By Marty Strauss

WASHINGTON – Abdul “Mr. Met” Metropolitan of the New York Mets has been traded to the Washington Nationals in exchange for Chaim “Screech” Screech, along with several other prospect mascots and a large chocolate cake.

The blockbuster trade is expected to divert some attention from the recent troubles of Mets team owner Fred Wilpon, who had been considering selling the team to comedian Bob Saget. According to reports, Saget's plans -- now officially done for -- included a comedic labor camp in which the team would be forced to make "funny" videos which weren’t actually funny at all.

The trade also transfers the Mets' burden of Mr. Met's unusually high $10 million salary, and silences a multitude of cries from Mets nation that the money could be spent on actual players. Instead, New York will take on the $50 thousand Screech, who is known as one of the league's best bargains, while eating a tasty chocolate cake.

Despite the seemingly lopsided deal, Mets GM Omar Minaya's announcement of the deal yielded mixed reactions from his players.

“They’re paying a guy who stands around in a suit all day more than me?" said Jeremiah Jebediah (JJ) Putz. "That’s why they almost sold the team? Man, talk about a bunch of idiots.”

Following his commentary, Putz stood shaking his head until he twisted his neck about 2 hours later. He is currently in the hospital and is expected to be placed on the lifetime DL.

Other players were concerned about the impacts of the iconic symbol of their baseball team leaving it forever.

“Man, I don’t know, man," said Carlos Delgado, who hasn't played in what seems like an eternity. "The Met’s without Mr. Met is like, I mean, man, it’s like pancakes without syrup. They go together, you know?”

Manager Jerry Manuel was quick to comment: “Please go away. I am in the can.”

The deal also represents the beginning of an era for the Nationals, who plan to rename the mascot "Mr. Nat."

“It’s not like if we spent the money on real players we’d have a fighting chance," said GM Mike Rizzo. At this point, I don’t really give a damn what the hell we do.”

"Good riddance," said Screech's bad-tempered older brother and Washington Capitals mascot Slapshot after hearing the news of his departure.

“We like him," added shortstop Cristian Guzman. "I mean, he’s a baseball, and we play baseball, so we kind of, like, connected, you know? He’s a cool guy.”