BERLIN -- Usain Bolt, the Jamaican sprinter who recently broke his own record for the 100m race with a time of 9.58 seconds, could only be reached briefly for comment post-race, as he refused to stop running, saying it was the only way he could escape from "the terrible thing, the horrible thing, that transcends even biblical standards of horror."
"I really can't stop running now, please you must understand," said Bolt, continuing to sprint at a top speed as reporters did their best to chase him down. "If I stop for even one second, that monstrosity will catch me, and I shall surely be devoured."
The Olympic standout then covered himself in holy water, tore his clothes, and ran out of the building, screaming, "Only those who repent shall be saved." Bolt is scheduled to appear on the Oprah Winfrey show this Friday.
-Daniel Strauss
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