WASHINGTON -- George Mitchell, a current special envoy to the Middle East and former senator who only recently shocked the world with his "Mitchell Report" on the usage of steroids in baseball, has a shocking new document out that reveals yet another dark story related to an NFL player.
The report, which was released Saturday and is entitled "How Brian Urlacher Made Bears Fight Each Other," accuses Chicago Bears linebacker Brian Urlacher of running a vicious bear fighting ring out of the Chicago Botanic Garden.
According to Mitchell, for approximately two years, Urlacher has been garnering bears of all shapes and sizes from nearby forests to participate in the ring. While the bears were fighting each night, Urlacher reportedly committed such horrifying acts as throwing chocolate into the ring, tapping the bears with twigs, or even forcing the animals to wear his football pads. Mitchell also claims that each fight was to the death, with Urlacher and the winning bear generally devouring the loser following the match.
"Mr. Urlacher's actions are disappointing in every sense of the word," said Ingrid Newkirk, president of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. "Bears are not meant to be violent creatures. They are loving animals, and anyone who turns them into killing machines deserves to be locked up."
"Brian has hurt Bears fans, Bears players, Bears coaches, and the lives of bears everywhere," said Ted Phillips, president and CEO of the Chicago Bears football team. "I can assure you the matter will be dealt with accordingly."
If Mitchell's words are true -- which many, including, apparently, the Chicago Bears, are assuming is the case -- Urlacher could face a minimum of six years in prison plus another six years of bear-related community service. The latter would entail working with bears each day in the forest to assure they harvest their food, as well as living with the bears on select nights.
Urlacher, who did not take any questions from the media, read a prepared statement in a press conference this morning.
"I would just like to say that I am a bear lover, and have always been one," said Urlacher. "I do not understand why Mr. Mitchell would accuse me of such ridiculous things. Furthermore, I do not understand why, as an American special envoy to the Middle East, Mr. Mitchell has involved himself in my personal business."
NFL Comissioner Roger Goodell has decided to hold off on suspending Urlacher until the situation unfolds more clearly. He did, however, offer some quick commentary on the situation.
"Yes, Michael Vick can play in the sixth game of the season," Goodell noted. "I'm sorry, did you just say something about a bear fighting itself?"
Ronny and Wally, two of the bears reportedly involved in Urlacher's ring, did not immediately return calls for this article.
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