Oregon Football Player Suspended for Creating Homemade Doomsday Device

Coach Chip Kelly speaks with the press about the Oregon Ducks football team's latest calamity.

By Daniel Strauss

In yet another blow to the Oregon Ducks football program, Coach Chip Kelly announced Friday that he was forced to ask junior offensive lineman Ramsen Golpashin to leave the team after finding a homemade doomsday device in Golpashin's off campus apartment.

"I was making a stop at Ramsen's house to tell him he was going to be a team captain next year," a visibly upset Kelly said, at a press conference Friday. "I knocked on the door and just heard all this scurrying around on the other side. Sure enough, when he opened the door, there it was. A doomsday machine. I've seen enough of those to know in my day to recognize it instantly."

It seems Oregon's players can't stay out of trouble this tumultuous offseason, which so far has included running back LaMichael James' domestic abuse case, and the removal of wideout Jamere Holland because of an expletive-filled Facebook status update. But, Kelly told reporters, Golpashin's suspension trumps them all.

"I always knew there was something off about that kid," Kelly said. "I'm just ashamed I didn't act on my gut feeling sooner. If he'd been able to carry out his dastardly plan...well...well, I just don't want to think about it."

Golpashin reacted to his ejection from the squad via a written statement through his publicist. "The only thing I did wrong was get caught. Soon, I shall have my revenge on Chip Kelly, the Ducks, and then, the world."

Asked if he would ever think about reinstating Golpashin, Kelly took a moment, and then offered this response. "If we're undefeated through week four? Yeah. Probably."