Preseason Hockey Being Played, Apparently

US/CANDIAN? CITIES -- Apparently, some National Hockey teams have started their preseason already, as of last Thursday or Friday. More than a few teams have already played games, including the Boston Bears, a team from Ohio that's pretty new, and last year's defending champs, the Philadelphia Penguins. "We at the NHL are very excited about this coming season, and that starts with a solid preseason," said Gary Betts, head of the hockey commission. "We're looking forward to giving our fans a great preview of what's to come." After last year's rule changes, including moving the blue and red lines around a bit and making the goalpost bigger (or something like that), a lot of people are speculating that hockey might be faster, or that players might have to pass the ball more to keep up. Preseason hockey continues up through December; by then it should be cold enough to freeze the ponds outside and start the real season, and the hunt for Stuckey's Mug.

--Daniel Strauss

Romo-"We're Basically the Mets of Football"

By Daniel Strauss

After choking away a sure victory last night at brand new Cowboy Stadium to the New York Giants on the final drive of the game, a disappointed and visibly distraught Tony Romo vented his frustrations to reporters, saying he and the Cowboys were essentially "the Mets of the NFL."

"I mean, think about it," Romo said, addressing the media after the game. "We basically had the thing in the bag, and the defense just choked it away. Not unlike the Mets bullpen! And me, I threw three picks and even fumbled the ball. I guess that makes me John Maine, or Oliver Perez, or another of those garbage guys who always pitch injured and give up like five runs in the first."

Last night was supposed to be a celebration for the Cowboys, as they opened up their new stadium, a multi-million dollar facility capable of seating 80,000 people. But, not unlike the Mets, who have done virtually nothing but lose games since opening their brand new stadium, Citi Field, the Cowboys made the fans in attendance wish the team had spent the money on better players instead of a new stadium.

"Tony said that? I guess that's pretty spot on," Cowboy's head coach Wade Phillips said, when asked about Romo's comparison. "I guess that makes me Jerry Manuel," Phillips chuckled. "Although, I've always seen myself as more of a Willie Randolph type. And by that, I mean it wouldn't shock me if Jerry [Jones] fired me at three in the morning immediately following a win."

But the comparison doesn't end there. "We haven't one a single playoff game since I became the starter," Romo added. "Well, I guess that one really makes us more like the Cubs." This drew a huge laugh from the crowd, and even prompted Romo to crack a smile.

Asked to comment on Romo's statement, Jerry Jones was quoted as saying "I ain't no damn Spanish," presumably referring to Mets GM Omar Minaya, who is a Latino.

"Yep, it's true, we're basically the Mets," concluded Romo. "God, this is depressing." The Cowboys next chance to blow a lead comes against Carolina next Monday.

Week 2 NFL Action: Redskins, Patriots Each Score 9 Points in Pro Football Games

By Jeremy Strauss

LANDOVER/EAST RUTHERFORD -- The National Football League continued to show why it offers the most exciting action on the market Sunday, as the Washington Redskins and New England Patriots each scored 9 points in their respective professional football games. By NFL rules, the two clubs are now just as good as one another.

"These are the kind of point totals we're looking for," said Washington head coach Jim Zorn. "Now we know for sure we can play with the big dogs of this league."

Following the game, Zorn could be seen placing a giant number nine on the wall of the Redskins locker room, an action that elicited cheers from players and coaches in the room.

"The fans have something to be proud of now," added Tight End Chris Cooley. "I know I'm proud to be a Washington RedThing."

A few hundred miles north of the Skins game, however, amazingly, Patriots boss Bill Belichick still felt his own nine-point troops could have done a bit better.

"Nine points is pretty darn good," he said. "Three field goals to be exact. But I felt like we could've put up at least ten."

Indeed, Belichick didn't make his name as one of the best coaches in the league by aiming low.

"Our ultimate goal is 16 points in a game," he added with a smile. "Might just be wishful thinking. We gotta break away from those Redskins at some point, right?"

The two point totals highlighted the success of the NFL's approach to promote more offense in games.

"These two teams really looked like they knew what they were doing out there," said NFL Network reporter Adam Schefter. "It just proves the teams are getting bigger, faster, stronger, and apparently, more even."

Video Game Legend Mappy Offers Commentary on Sports

NAMCO Policing Star Gives Inspirational Speech to Boston Bruins

By Jeremy Strauss

BOSTON, MA -- As part of their 2009 Phil Esposito preseason lecture series, the Boston Bruins hockey team was treated to a very special guest on Friday night.

Boston GM Peter Chiarelli arranged for Mappy -- the legendary video game character from the 1983 NAMCO game of the same name -- to offer the Bruins his opinions on sports and the state of today's world in general.

"I've never talked to a hockey team before," Mappy began the speech. "It's not really my thing, so you'll have to bear with me."


Mappy is one of the most successful police officers of all time. More than once, he compared his career to the sports world today.

Mappy began his career as a mouse police officer in 1983. To date, he has become known as one of the most successful in his profession of all time, stealing back nearly 42 trillion Mona Lisa paintings, 65 quadrillion television sets, and 87 quintillion refrigerators from vicious robbing Meowkies.

Knowledgable of his amazing prowess in law enforcement, the Bruins invited Mappy to give the keynote speech at their preseason event. The guest lecturer is generally expected to give humorous opinions on sports while offering inspiration to the team with regard to their upcoming season. Mappy was no exception.

"I really don't understand that T.O. guy," he said, drawing cheers from the crowd. "How did he get his own show? Why can't I have my own show if he does?"

"Those damn Phoenix Coyotes are so bad, they look like Goro when he doesn't know where I'm jumping," continued Mappy, eliciting the biggest laugh of the night. "They look like they have forty Meowkies chasing them. Jesus Christ."

Bruins players and coaches were quite impressed with Mappy's speech.

"I was pretty much in awe the whole time," said forward Phil Kessel, who has yet to commit long term to Boston. "To be in the presence of a legend like that was incredible. It's amazing that he's so funny considering that he had such a serious career stealing back stolen goods."

"I don't understand that T.O. guy."

"We're all grateful that Mr. Map paid us a visit tonight," said head coach Claude Julien. "This was really something special for the organization that we might only top with a Stanley Cup championship."

Could Mappy's appearance at the event convince Phil Kessel to sign long-term with the Bruins?

While Mappy's initial comments were received as hilarious, and included such satirical comments as the comparison of Brett Favre's comeback to Goro's attempt to return to the game after a seven year absence, as well as the statement that "Kanye West has made more bitches cry than Meowkies I killed by microwave radiation," the star of the night closed his discourse with some truly motivating words.

"If you want to win, you have to be the best. I've believed it since 1983, when I first started playing Robin Hood, stealing back those stolen goods. If this 'Stuckly Cup' you keep speaking about is your goal, believe you can get it. It is your Mona Lisa, your refrigerator, your TV. Beat the other teams, your Meowkies.

"And you will win. I know you will."

Kanye West Interrupts U.S. Open Press Conference; Disses Juan Martin del Potro

Drunk idiot "thinks he's really cool"


Juan Martin del Potro, moments before he would head into the press room and meet an unanticipated visitor.

By Marty Strauss

NEW YORK -- Juan Martin del Potro's U.S. Open victory was tremendously exciting, overwhelming, and unexpected on several fronts. However, not even the young Argentine star himself could've forseen what would occur during his postgame press conference.

“For someone like me, to win such a prestigious tournament as this, is just so incredible," began del Potro after the electrifying match. "I would never have imagined I would be standing on this po—”

Del Potro had not gotten this far into his opening statement when he noticed someone he had never seen before -- yet someone who looked distinctly familiar -- running toward the podium.

Kanye West was seen literally jumping out of his limousine and running toward del Potro. Upon his arrival, he immediately grabbed the microphone, pulled it toward him, and began to speak.

“Alright Juan, I’m real excited that you won this, I’m gonna let you finish in a minute," West said, "but Roger Federer is one of the best tennis players of all time. Of all time!”


This man, named Kanye West, has interrupted two stars during speeches in one week

After this outburst, while West appeared to wait for a positive reaction from the press, he received only confused murmurs.

“Just sayin’,” he continued before handing the microphone back to del Potro with a shrug of his shoulders.


Kanye West's limousine. This picture was taken half a year ago; because of West's unfathomable busy and fast-paced touring schedule, it is the only picture ever taken of his limousine.

West then jogged back out of the press room, and into his limousine filled with drunk and hot girls, as well as Roger Federer, who could be seen high-fiving the rap star as the passenger door closed.

Meanwhile, the press conference continued as planned, as del Potro seemed to make very little of the intrusion, assuming it was custom practice after winning the U.S. Open.

"We sure got him," said Federer. "Now he's just like Taylor Swift. How's it feel to win now, big man?"

The next stop on West's tour? Southern California, where he intends to notify USC football head coach Pete Carroll that although his Trojans opened their season with an oustanding victory, Ohio State is still better.

Lou Holtz: "Today was a dream. Everyone please wake up."

Legendary coach refuses to believe ND loss to Michigan occurred


By Jeremy Strauss

ANN ARBOR, MI -- ESPN college football analyst and former Notre Dame head coach Lou Holtz has an answer for his now-undoubtedly large number of critics: this whole thing never actually happened.

"Today was a dream," said Holtz Saturday following the University of Michigan's victory over the Fighting Irish. "Everyone please wake up so we can commence the remainder of the college football season."

Just a few weeks ago, Holtz predicted a season capped by a trip to the BCS National Championship Game for his beloved Irish. However, Saturday's loss at the hands of the formerly-lowly UM Wolverines might hinder this mission.

"The game wasn't played, you see," aid Holtz. "The game is tomorrow. Today is still Friday night. I'm sure you all realize that these sort of hallucinations happen sometimes with dreams."


Holtz believes Notre Dame have a good chance in "tomorrow's game."

The Michigan Wolverines, however, are having trouble believing Holtz's somewhat outlandish statements.

"This is just like a dream," said Michigan freshman quarterback and leader of Saturday's win Tate Forcier. "Like an awful, horrible dream that Lou Holtz might not wake up from."

Michigan's coach Rich Rodriguez urged his players not to jump the gun.

"Hey, they could still go to the National Championship game," he warned. "If every team in Division I lost all the rest of their games they might have a shot."

When it was made, Holtz's seemingly ridiculous predicition, sent shocks of stupidity throughout the college football world. According to the football "guru," Notre Dame's only difficult game would come against Southern Cal.

"We might be the second hard game he has to play this year," said USC head coach Pete Carroll Saturday, fresh off a victory against Ohio State. "But of course, that's right, he doesn't believe that loss happened today."

"We couldn't do with the ball today what Lou Holtz wanted us to do with the ball today," said Irish head coach Charlie Weis. "We'll have to play better in the actual game tomorrow, when it's not just Lou Holtz's nightmare dream."

"Oh and by the way, this sucks," added Weis.

TICKER: SSX Tricky Now Officially a Sport

PARIS, FRANCE -- According to something called the "International Sporting Commission (ISC)," SSX Tricky, the video game that has shaken America with its awesome and hilariously unbelievable snowboarding tricks, is now officially a sport. The announcement from Paris this week comes as a surprise to even the wackiest sports enthusiasts. "I'm the greateeeeesssstttttt," said Mac, a professional snowboarder of Tricky fame, adding, "UNBELIEVABBLLLLEEEE!" ISC officials claim that by as early as 2010, Tricky could replace hockey as one of the "four major sports."

--Jeremy Strauss