Josh Elliot Finding New Creative Ways to Be Passive Aggressive Towards Hannah Storm

BRISTOL-ESPN morning SportsCenter anchor Josh Elliot knows a thing or two about how to make someone feel unwelcome. Just ask his co-anchor, Hannah Storm. "A lot of times, I'll come in and sit down in my chair, and it'll be all the way at the bottom, like, I have to push it back up, you know? And then I'll look over and see Josh with this stupid smirk on his face, and I just know it was him." According to Storm, Elliot has also loosened the top of her salt shaker in the cafeteria, so that when she tries to use it, all the salt comes out, he has frequently replaced her skin moisturizer with foot cream, and changed the background image on her Blackberry from a photograph of her husband to various images of "LOLCats." "Whenever I ask him about it, he just makes this stupid face," Storm said. "Like I don't know it was him. What a goddamn five year old." Elliot declined to comment, but did say that, although he was unaware of who the culprit was, maybe "whoever it is" would stop if Storm wasn't such a "dumbfaced doodyhead."

By Daniel Strauss

Bill Belichick Blames Patriots Recent Struggles on "Countless Deals with Satan"

FOXBORO-A strangely nonchalant Bill Belichick addressed reporters Tuesday morning, claiming that the reason for the New England Patriots' recent struggles this year was due to "countless deals" he himself has made with the Devil.

"I'm not going to go back and detail each bargain or deal that I made with Satan, to do that would take far too long, and, to be honest, I don't think I could really remember each individual one." Belichick said, showing little emotion. "But that's the reason we're having so much trouble this season. That I can tell you."

The Patriots (7-4), while currently in first place the AFC East, have noticibly lost their swagger this year. A questionable call by Coach Belichick to go for it on fourth and two resulted in a loss at rival Indianapolis, and a 38-17 loss to the New Orleans Saints have left New England humbled.

"The whole fourth and two thing, I'm not gonna go into details, but I'm pretty sure I know what that was about," Belichick said. "Let's just say I've been a bit behind on delivering my first born to his black-heartedness, Beelzebub. I'm not going to go into it any more than that."

The Prince of Darkness himself could not be reached for comment, though a member of his staff who chose to remain anonymous was reached for comment. "Billy's running a bit low on collateral," he said. "At this point, I don't see how he can possibly make good on our deals and all the ones he made with Voldemort."


--by Daniel Strauss

Charlie Weis's Last Message to ND Football Team: "I Have Four Superbowl Rings"

SOUTH BEND-Given the chance to address his former players one last time, recently fired Notre Dame coach Charlie Weis had just one thing to say. He's coached four Superbowl winning teams.

"These are the four rings I got from winning four Superbowls," Weis said, trying desperately to remain relevant in some regard and pointing frantically at his rings. "I used to be the offensive coordinator for the New England Patriots."

Weis went on to describe how his expert play calling and long list of credentials would bring Notre Dame to new levels of success, refusing to acknowledge at any time that he had been fired. "These four rings were from Superbowls," he repeated. "I was the offensive assistant and assistant special teams coach for the Giants. I won one of them there."

Quarterback Jimmy Clausen said Weis's words really hit home for him. "I hope the next coach we get has won some Superbowls too," he told reporters. "Maybe John Gruden, or Tony Dungee, or somebody else who is completely unsuited for this job."

Weis reminded his players to stay strong in the face of adversity, to continue to wear their ND uniforms with pride, and that he won four Superbowl rings as an offensive coordinator in the NFL.

"If you remember nothing else," Weis said, holding back tears. "Remember this-while I was in the NFL as an offensive coordinator for the New England Patriots, I won three Super Bowl rings. One of them, I won while I was offensive assistant and assistant special teams coach for the New York Giants."

Weis then slowly left the room, pausing occasionally and turning around, as if to say something, but then just pointing to his rings and turning around again.

-By Daniel Strauss

TICKER: Urban Meyer to Go on Hunger Strike for Tim Tebow

GAINESVILLE, FL -- University of Florida head football coach Urban Meyer will go to new heights this week in honor of his quarterback, Tim Tebow.

The successful boss of the Gators announced Monday that he will soon initiate a hunger strike, simply in honor of the existence of the team's quarterback, Tim Tebow.

"Tim and I have such a great relationship on and off the field," began Meyer. He then began to start several sentences with the word "Tim" but found himself unable to continue on account of his emotions.

"That's why I'm going on a hunger strike," continued the coach after a three hour silence. "I want to highlight how good he is, I think people really need to know. He's so great."

Tebow, often referred to as one of the greatest college football players of all time as well as one of the best things in general to be manifested in all of humanity, seemed humbled by the gesture.

"If coach wants to do that, I don't really see the point but I guess it's best for the team," he said. "Maybe we win better that way."

The hunger strike is scheduled to last indefinitely, or, in the words of Meyer, "until people appreciate him."

"I just think he's so good that I could go hungry for him," explained Meyer.

Brett Favre Retires, Unretires in Middle of Night

MINNEAPOLIS, MN -- In the wee hours of Tuesday morning, Minnesota Vikings quarterback Brett Favre decided yet again to retire and shortly thereafter unretire, SnideSports has learned. According to reports, Favre awoke in his home at approximately 2:03 AM this morning to use the bathroom. On the way back from relieving himself, Favre decided that he no longer wished to play professional football. However, after "thinking about it for a second" upon crawling back into bed (at approximately 2:06 AM), Favre ultimately made the decision not to opt out of his multimillion dollar contract with the Vikings. "I just got that itch again, and I wanted to play again, and now it looks like I'm back," said Favre in a released statement. Favre's most recent return to the NFL is particularly shocking, given that he told multiple reporters during dreams between 1 and 2 AM that he would not, under any circumstances, return to the NFL.

-By Jeremy Strauss

WORD SERIES AFTERMATH 2009: Perlozzo Named MVP

By Jeremy Strauss

NEW YORK -- In a surprising twist, the first of its kind, Philadelphia Phillies third base coach Sam Perlozzo has been named the MVP of the 2009 World Series, adding a glimmer of hope to an overall awful event which ended in a rather unfortunate Yankees win.

Perlozzo, whose lackluster playing career once spanned parts of two seasons, was shocked upon hearing the announcement.

"I'm not really sure what I did," he explained. "I guess a few guys passed through third, and I waved 'em home. We scored some runs that way."

The height of Perlozzo's coaching career at the professional level came in 2005, when he was promoted to the vaunted position of Baltimore Orioles manager. In his first full season in the dugout, Perlozzo led Baltimore to a stellar record of 70-92, an utterly incredible mark given the O's horrificly terrible personnel.

"I could've been MVP then," laughed Perlozzo. "Man, was that team bad."


Perlozzo delivers an MVP-caliber performance, congratulating Jayson Werth on a home run

The decision to name Perlozzo MVP marks the first time a base coach, or a coach of any kind for that matter, has won the award. It is also, of course, a rarity that a member of the losing club would be rewarded in such a fashion.

"Sam worked hard, and we appreciate it," said MLB Commissioner Bud Selig. "He richly deserves the award for coaching third base exceptionally well."

Perlozzo is also reportedly being considered for the third base gold glove.

Sam Perlozzo's Wikipedia page contributed to this report.

WORLD SERIES AFTERMATH 2009: Thousands Turn Out Across Nation to Protest Yankees' Championship

A protest against the Yankees on the National Mall Thursday turned out just more than Obama's Inauguration

By Jeremy Strauss

ACROSS THE US -- If today has shown anything, it's that the New York Yankees' horribly unfortunate victory in last night's World Series game has affected people of all types, shapes, and sizes.

An estimated 500,000,000 turned out across America Thursday to protest the Bombers' 27th World Series title. Protests ranged from small A-Rod effigy burning ceremonies in backyards to monumental demonstrations in cities such as Boston, Chicago, and Los Angeles.

The largest protest, however, took place on the National Mall in Washington, DC. At the epicenter of our country's locale of legislative change, several celebrities made the trip down to share in this American tragedy and voice words of hope for the future.

"This is devastating, and we all know it's devastating," said George Clooney, the event's keynote speaker. "The victory is something I can accurately estimate no American wanted.


Clooney leads those in attendance in a moment of silence for those hurt by the Yankees

"But we must go on. We must always go on in these hard times. Eventually I know we will see the light of next season upon us."

"I couldn't sleep last night, I was just so upset," said one fan at the Washington event. "As soon as I heard about this rally, I got on the next flight from Atlanta, where I live."

The second largest protest took place in Boston, a town known for its fierce rivalry with New York. However, Charlize Theron showed that not all protesters were exactly on the same page when she claimed during her speech in Beantown that "a Red Sox victory may have been worse."

"That really pissed me off," said a Boston fan angrily. "If we can't stand together now, then when can we?"

Thursday also marked the formation of several community nonprofits directed against the Yankees, including Stop the Yankees Reign of Terror Now (SYRT) in Chicago, Save the Children from A-Rod - Before it's Too Late (SCA-BTL) in Baltimore, and The Yankees Make me Hate Baseball (YMHB) in Washington.