Albert Haynesworth Fails PSAT, Too

Redskins' Defensive Specialist Can't Seem to Get Anything Right at Camp

By Jeremy Strauss
Editor-in-Chief

ASHBURN, VA -- The buzz at Redskins Park around Albert Haynesworth has been anything but positive this week.

After twice failing the team's conditioning test, on Thursday, Haynesworth achieved particularly low marks on another team requirement: the "practice" PSAT.

New head coach Mike Shanahan instituted the requirement at the start of his tenure in Washington, saying that all team members should know basic math, reading and writing skills in order to play football.

"Everyone has to take it," said Shanahan. "Albert's no exception. He has to be able to run 300 yards and know the Pythagorean Theorum."

However, unlike the conditioning test, Haynesworth won't be allowed to take the standardized test until he passes. Just one more failure could mean a conditional release.

"This is serious," said a source close to Haynesworth who chose to remain anonymous. "He's been studying really hard, every night. Got one of those big, thick books from Barnes and Noble."

"I think he'll be fine," said Washington's new quarterback Donovan McNabb. "Just put 'C,' a lot, that's what I told him."

Haynesworth was unavailable for comment.

Dwyane Wade: "Not Being Near My Kids" Was a Factor

MIAMI, FL -- Dwyane Wade, the Miami Heat star who was recently-resigned to play alongside NBA phenoms Chris Bosh and Lebron James, told reporters on Tuesday that not being close to his two children played a major role in his decision to remain in Miami. Wade's two kids currently live with their mother (Wade's ex-wife) in Chicago. "Not being near my kids, having that ability to do whatever I want, that's the kind of stuff I was interested in," Wade said, adding, "They aren't that much fun to be around." Wade also noted that his kids are welcome to fly down to Florida and stay with him "every couple of months" if they so desire.

-Jeremy Strauss

Jason Bay Sent to T-Ball League on Assignment

Mets' struggling outfielder to get back to basics

By Jeremy Strauss
Editor-in-chief

KATONAH, NY -- To say Jason Bay hasn't lived up to the Mets expectations this season would be a tremendous understatement. On Tuesday, the organization finally took action to try and get #44 back on his game, sending Bay down to the Katonah Jellybeans, the club's T-ball affiliate.

Bay's rehab stint in Katonah is expected to be indefinite, and will hopefully, in the words of GM Omar Minaya, "reteach him the fundamentals of what it means to hit a baseball."

"We're so happy to have Jason here," said Carl Rothblatt, the team's coach and father of Jellybeans first basewoman Rebecca Rothblatt. "It'll be nice to have an extra bat for the cleanup spot. And an extra hand for when we take the kids out for pizza after the game."


Above: Bay's new head coach

In Katonah, Bay will train with the team's strength and conditioning coach Eric Clark (father of centerfielder Bengy Clark) at the local Golds Gym and on the grounds of the town's main elementary school.

"I've got a ton of jump ropes and bicycles that I take out for my kids on the weekend," said Clark. "This is really going to be fun."

In Bay's first game with the team, a preseason contest against the White Plains Bombers, Bay went 0-3 with two strikeouts and a walk. He was replaced in the sixth inning by pinch runner Emily Daniels.

TICKER: Cubs Place Carlos Zambrano on Mentally Disabled List

Venezuelan starter may be out for "quite some time"

CHICAGO -- Carlos Zambrano's latest tirade against the Derek Lee and the Chicago Cubs has stirred up all kinds of controversy on and off the field, leading the team to place Zambrano on the MLB Mentally Disabled List Tuesday evening.

In a statement released by the Cubs, the organization stated that Zambrano is simply "not like the rest of us," and that "his head just isn't here."

"Carlos will be off the team for as long as it takes him to stop being crazy," said Cubs GM Jim Hendry. "He's kind of a nutjob."

Zambrano did not take the news well.

"This really hurt me," he said. "I'm not a disable. My arm working just fine."

Knicks Sign Gheorghe Muresan in Push for Lebron

New York adds aging star to roster in desperate attempt to land "King" James

By Jeremy Strauss
Editor-in-chief

NEW YORK -- Gheorghe Muresan, the 7'7" giant from Romania who ties the record for the tallest player to ever play in the NBA, is coming out of retirement.

With their sights set on luring Lebron James to the Big Apple, the Knicks persuaded Muresan, the former Washington Bullets star quite clearly known for his height, to take a second stab at a career.

"This is a great day for me and my family," said Muresan, before joking, "and Lebron -- what are you waiting for?"

Knicks coach Mike D'Antoni said the signing certainly gives New York more depth at the center position.

"He's no Nate Robinson, that's for sure," said D'Antoni. "I really like that about him."


An ecstatic Muresan returns to the NBA to play for one of its worst teams

Muresan is signed for two years, but in one of the strangest contracts in the history of professional sports. First, he becomes the first player ever to earn an hourly wage ($20/hour) rather than a yearly salary. Second, Muresan must complete at least seven hours per week of "Lebron service" leading up to the eventual day Lebron is signed to the Knicks. This can include anything from TV spots to calling Lebron on the phone and pushing his move east.

If such a signing never happens, Muresan's wage will drop $5/hour.

"I've only got a few days until free agency begins," said Muresan. "I'd better get to work."

Tiger Woods Loses Masters, Lets Down Adulterers Everywhere

AP (Augusta)-Embattled golfer Tiger Woods failed to win the 2010 Masters Tournament on Sunday, sending a crushing blow to adulterers all across the country, and, for that matter, the world. "I am truly sorry to the global community of adulterers who I have let down with this loss," a sober Woods told the press after he was officially eliminated from the tournament. "I wanted to show people that you can cheat on your wife, literally hundreds of times, with porn stars and cocktail waitresses, really, whoever is around, and still be a hero and a champion. But I failed." Things seem to just keep getting worse for the former king of the golf world, as Woods now stands to lose millions in pro-adultery sponsorships. This year's Masters champion, long time pro Phil Mickelson, has never cheated on his wife or sent a filthy text message to a porn star, a fact that certainly doesn't shine the most positive light on the pro-adultery community. Needless to say, this is a loss that will be felt for a very long time by politicians and pretty much every NFL player ever for a long, long time.

by Daniel Strauss

New Study: SportsCenter Now 95% Inside Jokes

Groundbreaking report reveals that now only 5% of show spent covering sports

By Jeremy Strauss
Editor-in-chief

BRISTOL, CT -- A new analysis released this week by the Sports Media Commission (SMC) notes that over the past year, approximately 95 percent of the ESPN hit highlight reel show SportsCenter has been spent on inside jokes between anchors, leaving just five percent for actual sports.

"Josh Elliot's coffee-getting habits during the break are not funny or relevant to viewers," said Eric Wrangle, Executive Director of SMC. "Apparently, the anchors think otherwise."

The report notes that today's SportsCenter anchors make so many "countless references" to events that occurred off camera that the show itself has become a complete joke. SportsCenter, according to SMC, has essentially evolved into an exclusive party to which America's viewers are not invited.

"Ever wonder why Hannah Storm can't stop laughing while reading the teleprompter for a Spurs-Lakers highlight?" said Jose Rodriguez-Pena, Executive Director of SMC Latin America. "Me too. I think everyone's wondering that these days. It's really annoying."

SportsCenter anchors responded to the allegations of insidejokedness rather unseriously.


SportsCenter, the world's funniest television program

"Jokes?" said Josh Elliot between uncontrollable spurts of laughter. "I don't make jokes on the air. Except for that time Sage Steele called me a jerk just before we came back from commercial. Couldn't hold back the tears on air!"

Wrangle says if the jokes continue, the anchors' job securities -- which seem so secure these days -- could be in doubt.

"I don't think anyone wants to watch SportsCenter these days," he said. "It's their only option for sports highlights. But it might be time for a changing of the guard from these little jesters."