TICKER: Urban Meyer to Go on Hunger Strike for Tim Tebow

GAINESVILLE, FL -- University of Florida head football coach Urban Meyer will go to new heights this week in honor of his quarterback, Tim Tebow.

The successful boss of the Gators announced Monday that he will soon initiate a hunger strike, simply in honor of the existence of the team's quarterback, Tim Tebow.

"Tim and I have such a great relationship on and off the field," began Meyer. He then began to start several sentences with the word "Tim" but found himself unable to continue on account of his emotions.

"That's why I'm going on a hunger strike," continued the coach after a three hour silence. "I want to highlight how good he is, I think people really need to know. He's so great."

Tebow, often referred to as one of the greatest college football players of all time as well as one of the best things in general to be manifested in all of humanity, seemed humbled by the gesture.

"If coach wants to do that, I don't really see the point but I guess it's best for the team," he said. "Maybe we win better that way."

The hunger strike is scheduled to last indefinitely, or, in the words of Meyer, "until people appreciate him."

"I just think he's so good that I could go hungry for him," explained Meyer.

Brett Favre Retires, Unretires in Middle of Night

MINNEAPOLIS, MN -- In the wee hours of Tuesday morning, Minnesota Vikings quarterback Brett Favre decided yet again to retire and shortly thereafter unretire, SnideSports has learned. According to reports, Favre awoke in his home at approximately 2:03 AM this morning to use the bathroom. On the way back from relieving himself, Favre decided that he no longer wished to play professional football. However, after "thinking about it for a second" upon crawling back into bed (at approximately 2:06 AM), Favre ultimately made the decision not to opt out of his multimillion dollar contract with the Vikings. "I just got that itch again, and I wanted to play again, and now it looks like I'm back," said Favre in a released statement. Favre's most recent return to the NFL is particularly shocking, given that he told multiple reporters during dreams between 1 and 2 AM that he would not, under any circumstances, return to the NFL.

-By Jeremy Strauss

WORD SERIES AFTERMATH 2009: Perlozzo Named MVP

By Jeremy Strauss

NEW YORK -- In a surprising twist, the first of its kind, Philadelphia Phillies third base coach Sam Perlozzo has been named the MVP of the 2009 World Series, adding a glimmer of hope to an overall awful event which ended in a rather unfortunate Yankees win.

Perlozzo, whose lackluster playing career once spanned parts of two seasons, was shocked upon hearing the announcement.

"I'm not really sure what I did," he explained. "I guess a few guys passed through third, and I waved 'em home. We scored some runs that way."

The height of Perlozzo's coaching career at the professional level came in 2005, when he was promoted to the vaunted position of Baltimore Orioles manager. In his first full season in the dugout, Perlozzo led Baltimore to a stellar record of 70-92, an utterly incredible mark given the O's horrificly terrible personnel.

"I could've been MVP then," laughed Perlozzo. "Man, was that team bad."


Perlozzo delivers an MVP-caliber performance, congratulating Jayson Werth on a home run

The decision to name Perlozzo MVP marks the first time a base coach, or a coach of any kind for that matter, has won the award. It is also, of course, a rarity that a member of the losing club would be rewarded in such a fashion.

"Sam worked hard, and we appreciate it," said MLB Commissioner Bud Selig. "He richly deserves the award for coaching third base exceptionally well."

Perlozzo is also reportedly being considered for the third base gold glove.

Sam Perlozzo's Wikipedia page contributed to this report.

WORLD SERIES AFTERMATH 2009: Thousands Turn Out Across Nation to Protest Yankees' Championship

A protest against the Yankees on the National Mall Thursday turned out just more than Obama's Inauguration

By Jeremy Strauss

ACROSS THE US -- If today has shown anything, it's that the New York Yankees' horribly unfortunate victory in last night's World Series game has affected people of all types, shapes, and sizes.

An estimated 500,000,000 turned out across America Thursday to protest the Bombers' 27th World Series title. Protests ranged from small A-Rod effigy burning ceremonies in backyards to monumental demonstrations in cities such as Boston, Chicago, and Los Angeles.

The largest protest, however, took place on the National Mall in Washington, DC. At the epicenter of our country's locale of legislative change, several celebrities made the trip down to share in this American tragedy and voice words of hope for the future.

"This is devastating, and we all know it's devastating," said George Clooney, the event's keynote speaker. "The victory is something I can accurately estimate no American wanted.


Clooney leads those in attendance in a moment of silence for those hurt by the Yankees

"But we must go on. We must always go on in these hard times. Eventually I know we will see the light of next season upon us."

"I couldn't sleep last night, I was just so upset," said one fan at the Washington event. "As soon as I heard about this rally, I got on the next flight from Atlanta, where I live."

The second largest protest took place in Boston, a town known for its fierce rivalry with New York. However, Charlize Theron showed that not all protesters were exactly on the same page when she claimed during her speech in Beantown that "a Red Sox victory may have been worse."

"That really pissed me off," said a Boston fan angrily. "If we can't stand together now, then when can we?"

Thursday also marked the formation of several community nonprofits directed against the Yankees, including Stop the Yankees Reign of Terror Now (SYRT) in Chicago, Save the Children from A-Rod - Before it's Too Late (SCA-BTL) in Baltimore, and The Yankees Make me Hate Baseball (YMHB) in Washington.

Chris Berman Confusing Actual Sports With Applebee's "Two for Twenty" Deal

BRISTOL-Chris Berman, noted ESPN sports commentator and recent star of Applebee's restaurant's "Two For Twenty" television ad campaign, seemed unable to tell the difference between actual sports and the new Applebee's promotion during last Sunday's ESPN broadcast. "This deal could! Go! All! The! Way!" Berman shouted over a clip of a sixty yard DeAngelo Williams touchdown run. He also said that real reason for the Chicago Bears recent offensive struggles was an inability to incorporate Dan "Wingmaster" Wilson in the so-called "boneless buffalo wing game." When looking ahead to the World Series at the end of the show, Berman said "My pick for this series? Applebee's two for twenty!" after which, he burst into tears and asked Tom "TJ" Jackson if he could please tell him where he was.

by Daniel Strauss

Officials Forget to Show Up to Rangers-Devils Game

"Drink among friends" leads referees, linesmen to forget key duties of work


Above: Three of the game's officials at Madison Square Garden, 2 hours after the game had ended

By Jeremy Strauss

NEW YORK -- National Hockey League referees Wes McCauley, Tim Peel, and linesmen Michel Cormier and Jean Morin may have some explaining to do.

The NHL is currently investigating what led the quartet of officials to fully miss Thursday night's game at Madison Square Garden between the New York Rangers and New Jersey Devils.

"We were just having a drink, and one thing led to another," said McCauley on a conference call to the media this morning. "What can I say -- it's New York, stupid things happen."

"It was only supposed to be one drink before the game to relax us a little," added Morin. "At one point I looked at my watch and thought, oh crap, the game!"

Following the extended happy hour, the officials rushed to the arena and suited up, hoping to catch the end of the third period. The game, however, had ended hours earlier in a 4-2 Devils victory.

"We're waiting and waiting and waiting and thinking, when are these guys gonna come already?" said Rangers coach John Tortorella after the game. "Finally, we thought, let's just start the thing, and hopefully they'll show up eventually. We'll call our own offsides, and we can agree on penalties if they're really blatant."

No penalties were called during the game.

"I remember once, when I played peewee, the league forgot to schedule refs so our coaches skated out there and made the calls," said Devils forward Zach Parise. "This was kind of like that."


Parise slashes the Rangers Vinny Prospal. As the coaches could not agree, no penalty was called on the play.

While the game obviously can't be replayed, the disgraced officials have plans to make up for the damage caused.

"We could do extra games," said referee Tim Peel. "Seriously, we feel really bad about this. I wouldn't have a problem doing extra games."

Commissioner Gary Bettman has yet to issue an official statement on how the situation will be deal with. However, he did offer some harsh words in a brief press conference today.

"These referees and linesmen won't be invited back to MSG anytime soon," he said. "While it's too early to say anything, I personally think we should have another lockout, just because of this."

2K Sports Introduces New "Playing for Pride" Mode

Addition to MLB Series "Just like Real Life"

By Jeremy Strauss

NEW YORK -- It's the bottom of the ninth in a game between the Washington Nationals and New York Mets at CITI Field.

With the Nats leading 3-2 and 2 men on base, David Wright steps up to bat. He swings as hard as he can and lines a double off the left field wall. Both runners score and the Mets win!

Unfortunately, this season, for New York and Washington fans alike, this situation might be perceived as "meaningless," as both clubs finished off the year at the bottom of the NL East division.

However, 2K sports has an answer to the issue of the thousands of baseball games played each year that wouldn't possibly matter to any lifeform living within a 20,000 mile radius of the Earth: Playing for Pride Mode (PPM).

Unleashed in their newest game -- MLB 2K10, the mode entails the following: users can pick a team, preferably one of the league's worst such as the Pittsburgh Pirates. The team will then begin the season mode 20 games back in the division with just 40 games to play.

The ultimate goal? Forget about the playoffs -- you were eliminated from them officially a few weeks ago and unofficially by the baseball community before the season even began. Now, just try not to finish last and gain a few ounces of respect along the way!


PPM means this pitch could the difference between 5th or 4th place

"We wanted to give that majority of fans that root for those awful teams something close to home," said 2K Sports designer Drew Peters. "This isn't about something like the Red Sox meeting the Yankees in the playoffs. It's more like the Washington Nationals reminding the world that they actually do play professional baseball."

In the mode, as the non-waiver trade deadline has passed, acquiring new guys is strictly prohbited. However, call-ups from the minors are allowed, and indeed encouraged. After all, if you aren't going to give those new guys a chance now, when the season is finished, then when will it happen?

One PPM feature is the "random injury" setting, which can be turned on or off by users. If set to on, the feature allows for several random injuries to the competing team's "best" players during their quest to get out of the gutter.


Jose Reyes' Random Injury setting is higher than most players'

"Random injury is just like real life," added Peters. "Have you ever felt like all your team's luck comes crashing down at once at the end of the season? Like everyone suddenly gives up? Here, we're trying to challenge users to counteract that."

In addition, teams will receive bonus points just for ending up on SportsCenter for any reason during the mode. If the SportsCenter anchor makes a snide comment ridiculing how bad the team is, those bonus points are tripled.

Users can also opt to fire their team's manager at any point during the mode. They are warned before the firing, however, that "someone far less competent, such as a sunflower seed-eating bench coach, will immediately take over and do virtually nothing to motivate the team from here on out." If this is the risk users are willing to take, then they may dump the manager.

"You always have to read about those games in the newspaper that don't matter to anyone," said 2K Sports CEO Grace Cornwallis. "We thought, why not make it matter?"

And make it matter they have. With 2K Sports' Playing for Pride Mode, your club won't be the worst anymore!