Chris Berman Confusing Actual Sports With Applebee's "Two for Twenty" Deal

BRISTOL-Chris Berman, noted ESPN sports commentator and recent star of Applebee's restaurant's "Two For Twenty" television ad campaign, seemed unable to tell the difference between actual sports and the new Applebee's promotion during last Sunday's ESPN broadcast. "This deal could! Go! All! The! Way!" Berman shouted over a clip of a sixty yard DeAngelo Williams touchdown run. He also said that real reason for the Chicago Bears recent offensive struggles was an inability to incorporate Dan "Wingmaster" Wilson in the so-called "boneless buffalo wing game." When looking ahead to the World Series at the end of the show, Berman said "My pick for this series? Applebee's two for twenty!" after which, he burst into tears and asked Tom "TJ" Jackson if he could please tell him where he was.

by Daniel Strauss

Officials Forget to Show Up to Rangers-Devils Game

"Drink among friends" leads referees, linesmen to forget key duties of work


Above: Three of the game's officials at Madison Square Garden, 2 hours after the game had ended

By Jeremy Strauss

NEW YORK -- National Hockey League referees Wes McCauley, Tim Peel, and linesmen Michel Cormier and Jean Morin may have some explaining to do.

The NHL is currently investigating what led the quartet of officials to fully miss Thursday night's game at Madison Square Garden between the New York Rangers and New Jersey Devils.

"We were just having a drink, and one thing led to another," said McCauley on a conference call to the media this morning. "What can I say -- it's New York, stupid things happen."

"It was only supposed to be one drink before the game to relax us a little," added Morin. "At one point I looked at my watch and thought, oh crap, the game!"

Following the extended happy hour, the officials rushed to the arena and suited up, hoping to catch the end of the third period. The game, however, had ended hours earlier in a 4-2 Devils victory.

"We're waiting and waiting and waiting and thinking, when are these guys gonna come already?" said Rangers coach John Tortorella after the game. "Finally, we thought, let's just start the thing, and hopefully they'll show up eventually. We'll call our own offsides, and we can agree on penalties if they're really blatant."

No penalties were called during the game.

"I remember once, when I played peewee, the league forgot to schedule refs so our coaches skated out there and made the calls," said Devils forward Zach Parise. "This was kind of like that."


Parise slashes the Rangers Vinny Prospal. As the coaches could not agree, no penalty was called on the play.

While the game obviously can't be replayed, the disgraced officials have plans to make up for the damage caused.

"We could do extra games," said referee Tim Peel. "Seriously, we feel really bad about this. I wouldn't have a problem doing extra games."

Commissioner Gary Bettman has yet to issue an official statement on how the situation will be deal with. However, he did offer some harsh words in a brief press conference today.

"These referees and linesmen won't be invited back to MSG anytime soon," he said. "While it's too early to say anything, I personally think we should have another lockout, just because of this."

2K Sports Introduces New "Playing for Pride" Mode

Addition to MLB Series "Just like Real Life"

By Jeremy Strauss

NEW YORK -- It's the bottom of the ninth in a game between the Washington Nationals and New York Mets at CITI Field.

With the Nats leading 3-2 and 2 men on base, David Wright steps up to bat. He swings as hard as he can and lines a double off the left field wall. Both runners score and the Mets win!

Unfortunately, this season, for New York and Washington fans alike, this situation might be perceived as "meaningless," as both clubs finished off the year at the bottom of the NL East division.

However, 2K sports has an answer to the issue of the thousands of baseball games played each year that wouldn't possibly matter to any lifeform living within a 20,000 mile radius of the Earth: Playing for Pride Mode (PPM).

Unleashed in their newest game -- MLB 2K10, the mode entails the following: users can pick a team, preferably one of the league's worst such as the Pittsburgh Pirates. The team will then begin the season mode 20 games back in the division with just 40 games to play.

The ultimate goal? Forget about the playoffs -- you were eliminated from them officially a few weeks ago and unofficially by the baseball community before the season even began. Now, just try not to finish last and gain a few ounces of respect along the way!


PPM means this pitch could the difference between 5th or 4th place

"We wanted to give that majority of fans that root for those awful teams something close to home," said 2K Sports designer Drew Peters. "This isn't about something like the Red Sox meeting the Yankees in the playoffs. It's more like the Washington Nationals reminding the world that they actually do play professional baseball."

In the mode, as the non-waiver trade deadline has passed, acquiring new guys is strictly prohbited. However, call-ups from the minors are allowed, and indeed encouraged. After all, if you aren't going to give those new guys a chance now, when the season is finished, then when will it happen?

One PPM feature is the "random injury" setting, which can be turned on or off by users. If set to on, the feature allows for several random injuries to the competing team's "best" players during their quest to get out of the gutter.


Jose Reyes' Random Injury setting is higher than most players'

"Random injury is just like real life," added Peters. "Have you ever felt like all your team's luck comes crashing down at once at the end of the season? Like everyone suddenly gives up? Here, we're trying to challenge users to counteract that."

In addition, teams will receive bonus points just for ending up on SportsCenter for any reason during the mode. If the SportsCenter anchor makes a snide comment ridiculing how bad the team is, those bonus points are tripled.

Users can also opt to fire their team's manager at any point during the mode. They are warned before the firing, however, that "someone far less competent, such as a sunflower seed-eating bench coach, will immediately take over and do virtually nothing to motivate the team from here on out." If this is the risk users are willing to take, then they may dump the manager.

"You always have to read about those games in the newspaper that don't matter to anyone," said 2K Sports CEO Grace Cornwallis. "We thought, why not make it matter?"

And make it matter they have. With 2K Sports' Playing for Pride Mode, your club won't be the worst anymore!

THRASHERS REPORT: Ron Hainsey's Own Goals in EA Sports NHL '10 Up 25%

Atlanta Blueliner Shows More Signs of Error in New Video Game Season

By Jeremy Strauss

Editor's Note: The following is the first segment of "Thrashers Report," a monthly bit we're planning on doing, well, each month, to keep you updated on everyone's favorite team, the Atlanta Thrashers. Please enjoy!

ATLANTA, GA -- The crowd was moaning. The players were groaning. The scoreboard read 1-0, Tampa Bay.

Ron Hainsey had put the puck in his own net yet again.

That instance last Thursday in a game of EA Sports NHL '10 was unfortunately one of many this year for the Thrashers' veteran defenseman. These days, it seems the more he plays on video game consoles, the more virtual mistakes the Connecticut native makes.

"Some times I'm trying to go behind my own net and I accidentally poke it in," explained an embarrassed Hainsey. "Other times, I don't know, I'm getting pushed into the goal by someone on the other team during a scramble in front.

"This has to stop. It's eating at my soul."

Hainsey's latest own goal came on Sunday night at the hands of Atlanta division rival Florida Panthers. With Hainsey being controlled by USER GoThrash96, he took control of the puck in his own zone, weakly attempted to pass to his defensive partner, and somehow managed to direct the puck past his goaltender Kari Lehtonen, who looked up at the sky in dismay.

The goal was Hainsey's fifth for his side of the young season, which already marks a 25% increase on the 4 virtual video game own goals he scored last season in NHL '09.


Above: A simulation of one of Hainsey's 5 own goals

"That one was bad, but it was nothing like last week," noted Hainsey following the game.

The incident Hainsey was referring to came during a virtual game against the Columbus Blue Jackets. With the Blue Jackets trailing 5-4 with less than a minute left to play, USER ILuvUKovalchuk -- who controlled the Thrashers -- decided to give his friend USER RickyNashRocks -- who controlled the Blue Jackets -- a break.

Controlling Hainsey, ILuvKovalchuk skated forward into his goaltender until he gave up and scored, forcing an overtime during which the Blue Jackets would emerge victorious, 6-5.

"We're about to win the game, and then we're going to overtime and it's all because of me," said Hainsey after the game. "I let everyone down tonight."

With five own goal tallies on the season, Hainsey sits well ahead of the next-in-line -- teammate Colby Armstrong -- who only has one. If this nightmarish season continues for the American-born defenseman, a trade could be on the horizon.

"I don't think I could cope with that," said Hainsey of the possibility. "I like playing in Atlanta too much."

Preseason Hockey Being Played, Apparently

US/CANDIAN? CITIES -- Apparently, some National Hockey teams have started their preseason already, as of last Thursday or Friday. More than a few teams have already played games, including the Boston Bears, a team from Ohio that's pretty new, and last year's defending champs, the Philadelphia Penguins. "We at the NHL are very excited about this coming season, and that starts with a solid preseason," said Gary Betts, head of the hockey commission. "We're looking forward to giving our fans a great preview of what's to come." After last year's rule changes, including moving the blue and red lines around a bit and making the goalpost bigger (or something like that), a lot of people are speculating that hockey might be faster, or that players might have to pass the ball more to keep up. Preseason hockey continues up through December; by then it should be cold enough to freeze the ponds outside and start the real season, and the hunt for Stuckey's Mug.

--Daniel Strauss

Romo-"We're Basically the Mets of Football"

By Daniel Strauss

After choking away a sure victory last night at brand new Cowboy Stadium to the New York Giants on the final drive of the game, a disappointed and visibly distraught Tony Romo vented his frustrations to reporters, saying he and the Cowboys were essentially "the Mets of the NFL."

"I mean, think about it," Romo said, addressing the media after the game. "We basically had the thing in the bag, and the defense just choked it away. Not unlike the Mets bullpen! And me, I threw three picks and even fumbled the ball. I guess that makes me John Maine, or Oliver Perez, or another of those garbage guys who always pitch injured and give up like five runs in the first."

Last night was supposed to be a celebration for the Cowboys, as they opened up their new stadium, a multi-million dollar facility capable of seating 80,000 people. But, not unlike the Mets, who have done virtually nothing but lose games since opening their brand new stadium, Citi Field, the Cowboys made the fans in attendance wish the team had spent the money on better players instead of a new stadium.

"Tony said that? I guess that's pretty spot on," Cowboy's head coach Wade Phillips said, when asked about Romo's comparison. "I guess that makes me Jerry Manuel," Phillips chuckled. "Although, I've always seen myself as more of a Willie Randolph type. And by that, I mean it wouldn't shock me if Jerry [Jones] fired me at three in the morning immediately following a win."

But the comparison doesn't end there. "We haven't one a single playoff game since I became the starter," Romo added. "Well, I guess that one really makes us more like the Cubs." This drew a huge laugh from the crowd, and even prompted Romo to crack a smile.

Asked to comment on Romo's statement, Jerry Jones was quoted as saying "I ain't no damn Spanish," presumably referring to Mets GM Omar Minaya, who is a Latino.

"Yep, it's true, we're basically the Mets," concluded Romo. "God, this is depressing." The Cowboys next chance to blow a lead comes against Carolina next Monday.

Week 2 NFL Action: Redskins, Patriots Each Score 9 Points in Pro Football Games

By Jeremy Strauss

LANDOVER/EAST RUTHERFORD -- The National Football League continued to show why it offers the most exciting action on the market Sunday, as the Washington Redskins and New England Patriots each scored 9 points in their respective professional football games. By NFL rules, the two clubs are now just as good as one another.

"These are the kind of point totals we're looking for," said Washington head coach Jim Zorn. "Now we know for sure we can play with the big dogs of this league."

Following the game, Zorn could be seen placing a giant number nine on the wall of the Redskins locker room, an action that elicited cheers from players and coaches in the room.

"The fans have something to be proud of now," added Tight End Chris Cooley. "I know I'm proud to be a Washington RedThing."

A few hundred miles north of the Skins game, however, amazingly, Patriots boss Bill Belichick still felt his own nine-point troops could have done a bit better.

"Nine points is pretty darn good," he said. "Three field goals to be exact. But I felt like we could've put up at least ten."

Indeed, Belichick didn't make his name as one of the best coaches in the league by aiming low.

"Our ultimate goal is 16 points in a game," he added with a smile. "Might just be wishful thinking. We gotta break away from those Redskins at some point, right?"

The two point totals highlighted the success of the NFL's approach to promote more offense in games.

"These two teams really looked like they knew what they were doing out there," said NFL Network reporter Adam Schefter. "It just proves the teams are getting bigger, faster, stronger, and apparently, more even."