Shea Weber Receives 1-Game Suspension for Murdering Another NHL Player

Justice finally served on Predators' defenseman

Brendan Shanahan finally issued a suspension to Shea Weber this week

By Jeremy Strauss
Editor-In-Chief

NEW YORK -- The NHL's Chief Disciplinarian, Brendan Shanahan, has come under fire lately for failing to suspend Nashville Predators' Defenseman Shea Weber after Weber slammed Red Wings' forward Henrik Zetterberg's head multiple times into the glass surrounding the ice during a recent playoff game. 

However, after Weber murdered Detroit forward Pavel Datsyuk in Game 5 of the series, the league's Department of Player Safety wasn't about to falter again, and issued Weber a well-deserved one-game ban.  Weber will miss the opening match of his team's second round series against the Phoenix Coyotes.

"At 11:01 of the third period in a game between the Nashville Predators and the Detroit Red Wings, Nashville Defenseman Shea Weber took out a gun and shot Detroit forward Pavel Datsyuk in the head," Shanahan said in a video on the NHL Website. 

"This appeared to be an intent to injure and perhaps kill," he added.  "We've also taken into account that Datsyuk died as a result of the play.  The Department of Player Safety has elected to suspend Shea Weber for one game, without pay."

The 2012 NHL Playoffs have been described repeatedly as "out of control," with suspensions being issued in nearly every series.  Weber's one-game suspension is a direct result of the league's no tolerance policy toward murder during hockey games, as discussed at the last GM meetings.

Weber and his coach, Barry Trotz, each said they weren't surprised by the ruling, and would decide in the next day whether or not to appeal.

"It seems fair, at face value," said Weber.  "But it's the playoffs, and it gets heated out there.  Things are said, guys are jabbing at each other, shooting at each other.  It's very emotional."

"There's a chance we could appeal," added Trotz.  "If you watch the replay, I don't think Datsyuk is entirely blameless, as he elbows one of our guys just before."

When reached for comment, Red Wings coach Mike Babcock aggressively agreed with Shanahan's determination.

"To be honest with you, I think he could've gotten two, maybe even three games," said Babcock.  "We can't stand for this kind of stuff in the league.  We don't have players policing murder themselves, like in the old days."

Rex Ryan: This Dessert is About Me Against This Slice of Pie

NEW YORK -- At the conclusion of his lunch at a popular midtown Manhattan deli on Monday, Rex Ryan told reporters he would indeed be able to finish the meal -- but that his consumption and ensuing digestion of a decadent slice of pecan pie was downright personal. "This dessert is about me finishing the pie," Ryan said between gulps. "It's personal. Last time I came here, I wasn't able to finish the pie. Now I feel like if I don't finish it, it'll have beaten me again." Ryan subsequently finished the slice of pie and left the deli, but not before shaking hands with the owner and assuring that he'd be back to continue a personal battle with the Reuben.

--Jeremy Strauss

New York Mets Hold Successful Black Friday Sale

Above: Mr. Met throws a free T-shirt, symbolizing the sale's beginning
Right: Luis Castillo's price - a carton of Marlboro cigarettes

By Jeremy Strauss
Editor-in-chief

NEW YORK -- The New York Mets have certainly kept busy this offseason.

Having hired a new general manager and coach, the club's front office decided to shake things up this Thanksgiving, holding Major League Baseball's first ever Black Friday sale. From Friday morning until Tuesday afternoon, the Mets managed to sell their entire roster to other major league teams, clearing the slate for a new season.

"No more will the Mets be the joke of Major League Baseball," new manager Terry Collins proclaimed at the start of the sale. "We feel we couldn't win one game with the roster we have, and we plan to dump all of them."

And dump they did.

The Mets opened the doors to their sale -- which was held in a warehouse in Uniondale, Long Island -- the Friday after Thanksgiving at 4 AM. It didn't take long for the first transaction to be made, as the Pitttsburgh Pirates bargained for the oft-injured Carlos Beltran, earning his rights for $15.80 at 4:46 AM.

Pitcher Pedro Feliciano would be next, being sold to the Yankees in a backup catching role for a cool $5.67.

"The success of this sale is unprecedented," said Mets General Manager Sandy Alderson. "We never dreamed we'd be able to unload our entire crappy roster in just a few days and make over $100 in the process.

"Amazing. Just amazing."

While the Mets had originally envisioned the sale only lasting until Sunday evening, second baseman Luis Castillo proved to be, quite literally, a hard sell. Finally, at 3:41 PM EST on Tuesday, the Frederick Keys Single-A team bought the grounder-hitting phenom for a carton of Marlboro cigarettes, which, rather than cigars, the Mets front office elected to smoke in celebration to mark the grand conclusion of the event.



Minds around MLB agreed that the sale was something to be admired.

"I think it was a great idea," said Yankees Manager Joe Girardi. "I'm just sorry we couldn't get Francisco Rodriguez. We just weren't willing to spend the $10 the Royals were - not for a guy that violent. $8, maybe, but $10?"

"I'm happy with the sale, and I'm happy with what we got from it," said Orioles Manager Buck Showalter. "I couldn't get my kids the toys they wanted on Black Friday, but I managed to land Daniel Murphy for $0.80."






Above: Castillo reacts to the news of his sale.

Albert Haynesworth Fails PSAT, Too

Redskins' Defensive Specialist Can't Seem to Get Anything Right at Camp

By Jeremy Strauss
Editor-in-Chief

ASHBURN, VA -- The buzz at Redskins Park around Albert Haynesworth has been anything but positive this week.

After twice failing the team's conditioning test, on Thursday, Haynesworth achieved particularly low marks on another team requirement: the "practice" PSAT.

New head coach Mike Shanahan instituted the requirement at the start of his tenure in Washington, saying that all team members should know basic math, reading and writing skills in order to play football.

"Everyone has to take it," said Shanahan. "Albert's no exception. He has to be able to run 300 yards and know the Pythagorean Theorum."

However, unlike the conditioning test, Haynesworth won't be allowed to take the standardized test until he passes. Just one more failure could mean a conditional release.

"This is serious," said a source close to Haynesworth who chose to remain anonymous. "He's been studying really hard, every night. Got one of those big, thick books from Barnes and Noble."

"I think he'll be fine," said Washington's new quarterback Donovan McNabb. "Just put 'C,' a lot, that's what I told him."

Haynesworth was unavailable for comment.

Dwyane Wade: "Not Being Near My Kids" Was a Factor

MIAMI, FL -- Dwyane Wade, the Miami Heat star who was recently-resigned to play alongside NBA phenoms Chris Bosh and Lebron James, told reporters on Tuesday that not being close to his two children played a major role in his decision to remain in Miami. Wade's two kids currently live with their mother (Wade's ex-wife) in Chicago. "Not being near my kids, having that ability to do whatever I want, that's the kind of stuff I was interested in," Wade said, adding, "They aren't that much fun to be around." Wade also noted that his kids are welcome to fly down to Florida and stay with him "every couple of months" if they so desire.

-Jeremy Strauss

Jason Bay Sent to T-Ball League on Assignment

Mets' struggling outfielder to get back to basics

By Jeremy Strauss
Editor-in-chief

KATONAH, NY -- To say Jason Bay hasn't lived up to the Mets expectations this season would be a tremendous understatement. On Tuesday, the organization finally took action to try and get #44 back on his game, sending Bay down to the Katonah Jellybeans, the club's T-ball affiliate.

Bay's rehab stint in Katonah is expected to be indefinite, and will hopefully, in the words of GM Omar Minaya, "reteach him the fundamentals of what it means to hit a baseball."

"We're so happy to have Jason here," said Carl Rothblatt, the team's coach and father of Jellybeans first basewoman Rebecca Rothblatt. "It'll be nice to have an extra bat for the cleanup spot. And an extra hand for when we take the kids out for pizza after the game."


Above: Bay's new head coach

In Katonah, Bay will train with the team's strength and conditioning coach Eric Clark (father of centerfielder Bengy Clark) at the local Golds Gym and on the grounds of the town's main elementary school.

"I've got a ton of jump ropes and bicycles that I take out for my kids on the weekend," said Clark. "This is really going to be fun."

In Bay's first game with the team, a preseason contest against the White Plains Bombers, Bay went 0-3 with two strikeouts and a walk. He was replaced in the sixth inning by pinch runner Emily Daniels.

TICKER: Cubs Place Carlos Zambrano on Mentally Disabled List

Venezuelan starter may be out for "quite some time"

CHICAGO -- Carlos Zambrano's latest tirade against the Derek Lee and the Chicago Cubs has stirred up all kinds of controversy on and off the field, leading the team to place Zambrano on the MLB Mentally Disabled List Tuesday evening.

In a statement released by the Cubs, the organization stated that Zambrano is simply "not like the rest of us," and that "his head just isn't here."

"Carlos will be off the team for as long as it takes him to stop being crazy," said Cubs GM Jim Hendry. "He's kind of a nutjob."

Zambrano did not take the news well.

"This really hurt me," he said. "I'm not a disable. My arm working just fine."