The Snide World of Sports

Rex Ryan: This Dessert is About Me Against This Slice of Pie

2011-01-10T14:21:00.000-08:00

NEW YORK -- At the conclusion of his lunch at a popular midtown Manhattan deli on Monday, Rex Ryan told reporters he would indeed be able to finish the meal -- but that his consumption and ensuing digestion of a decadent slice of pecan pie was downright personal. "This dessert is about me finishing the pie," Ryan said between gulps. "It's personal. Last time I came here, I wasn't able to finish the pie. Now I feel like if I don't finish it, it'll have beaten me again." Ryan subsequently finished the slice of pie and left the deli, but not before shaking hands with the owner and assuring that he'd be back to continue a personal battle with the Reuben.

--Jeremy Strauss

New York Mets Hold Successful Black Friday Sale

2010-11-30T18:33:00.000-08:00

Above: Mr. Met throws a free T-shirt, symbolizing the sale's beginning
Right: Luis Castillo's price - a carton of Marlboro cigarettes

By Jeremy Strauss
Editor-in-chief

NEW YORK -- The New York Mets have certainly kept busy this offseason.

Having hired a new general manager and coach, the club's front office decided to shake things up this Thanksgiving, holding Major League Baseball's first ever Black Friday sale. From Friday morning until Tuesday afternoon, the Mets managed to sell their entire roster to other major league teams, clearing the slate for a new season.

"No more will the Mets be the joke of Major League Baseball," new manager Terry Collins proclaimed at the start of the sale. "We feel we couldn't win one game with the roster we have, and we plan to dump all of them."

And dump they did.

The Mets opened the doors to their sale -- which was held in a warehouse in Uniondale, Long Island -- the Friday after Thanksgiving at 4 AM. It didn't take long for the first transaction to be made, as the Pitttsburgh Pirates bargained for the oft-injured Carlos Beltran, earning his rights for $15.80 at 4:46 AM.

Pitcher Pedro Feliciano would be next, being sold to the Yankees in a backup catching role for a cool $5.67.

"The success of this sale is unprecedented," said Mets General Manager Sandy Alderson. "We never dreamed we'd be able to unload our entire crappy roster in just a few days and make over $100 in the process.

"Amazing. Just amazing."

While the Mets had originally envisioned the sale only lasting until Sunday evening, second baseman Luis Castillo proved to be, quite literally, a hard sell. Finally, at 3:41 PM EST on Tuesday, the Frederick Keys Single-A team bought the grounder-hitting phenom for a carton of Marlboro cigarettes, which, rather than cigars, the Mets front office elected to smoke in celebration to mark the grand conclusion of the event.

Minds around MLB agreed that the sale was something to be admired.

"I think it was a great idea," said Yankees Manager Joe Girardi. "I'm just sorry we couldn't get Francisco Rodriguez. We just weren't willing to spend the $10 the Royals were - not for a guy that violent. $8, maybe, but $10?"

"I'm happy with the sale, and I'm happy with what we got from it," said Orioles Manager Buck Showalter. "I couldn't get my kids the toys they wanted on Black Friday, but I managed to land Daniel Murphy for $0.80."

Above: Castillo reacts to the news of his sale.

Albert Haynesworth Fails PSAT, Too

2010-07-31T12:59:00.001-07:00

Redskins' Defensive Specialist Can't Seem to Get Anything Right at Camp

By Jeremy Strauss
Editor-in-Chief

ASHBURN, VA -- The buzz at Redskins Park around Albert Haynesworth has been anything but positive this week.

After twice failing the team's conditioning test, on Thursday, Haynesworth achieved particularly low marks on another team requirement: the "practice" PSAT.

New head coach Mike Shanahan instituted the requirement at the start of his tenure in Washington, saying that all team members should know basic math, reading and writing skills in order to play football.

"Everyone has to take it," said Shanahan. "Albert's no exception. He has to be able to run 300 yards and know the Pythagorean Theorum."

However, unlike the conditioning test, Haynesworth won't be allowed to take the standardized test until he passes. Just one more failure could mean a conditional release.

"This is serious," said a source close to Haynesworth who chose to remain anonymous. "He's been studying really hard, every night. Got one of those big, thick books from Barnes and Noble."

"I think he'll be fine," said Washington's new quarterback Donovan McNabb. "Just put 'C,' a lot, that's what I told him."

Haynesworth was unavailable for comment.

Dwyane Wade: "Not Being Near My Kids" Was a Factor

2010-07-20T06:04:00.000-07:00

MIAMI, FL -- Dwyane Wade, the Miami Heat star who was recently-resigned to play alongside NBA phenoms Chris Bosh and Lebron James, told reporters on Tuesday that not being close to his two children played a major role in his decision to remain in Miami. Wade's two kids currently live with their mother (Wade's ex-wife) in Chicago. "Not being near my kids, having that ability to do whatever I want, that's the kind of stuff I was interested in," Wade said, adding, "They aren't that much fun to be around." Wade also noted that his kids are welcome to fly down to Florida and stay with him "every couple of months" if they so desire.

-Jeremy Strauss

Jason Bay Sent to T-Ball League on Assignment

2010-07-20T05:40:00.000-07:00

Mets' struggling outfielder to get back to basics

By Jeremy Strauss
Editor-in-chief

KATONAH, NY -- To say Jason Bay hasn't lived up to the Mets expectations this season would be a tremendous understatement. On Tuesday, the organization finally took action to try and get #44 back on his game, sending Bay down to the Katonah Jellybeans, the club's T-ball affiliate.

Bay's rehab stint in Katonah is expected to be indefinite, and will hopefully, in the words of GM Omar Minaya, "reteach him the fundamentals of what it means to hit a baseball."

"We're so happy to have Jason here," said Carl Rothblatt, the team's coach and father of Jellybeans first basewoman Rebecca Rothblatt. "It'll be nice to have an extra bat for the cleanup spot. And an extra hand for when we take the kids out for pizza after the game."

Above: Bay's new head coach

In Katonah, Bay will train with the team's strength and conditioning coach Eric Clark (father of centerfielder Bengy Clark) at the local Golds Gym and on the grounds of the town's main elementary school.

"I've got a ton of jump ropes and bicycles that I take out for my kids on the weekend," said Clark. "This is really going to be fun."

In Bay's first game with the team, a preseason contest against the White Plains Bombers, Bay went 0-3 with two strikeouts and a walk. He was replaced in the sixth inning by pinch runner Emily Daniels.

TICKER: Cubs Place Carlos Zambrano on Mentally Disabled List

2010-06-29T15:25:00.000-07:00

Venezuelan starter may be out for "quite some time"

CHICAGO -- Carlos Zambrano's latest tirade against the Derek Lee and the Chicago Cubs has stirred up all kinds of controversy on and off the field, leading the team to place Zambrano on the MLB Mentally Disabled List Tuesday evening.

In a statement released by the Cubs, the organization stated that Zambrano is simply "not like the rest of us," and that "his head just isn't here."

"Carlos will be off the team for as long as it takes him to stop being crazy," said Cubs GM Jim Hendry. "He's kind of a nutjob."

Zambrano did not take the news well.

"This really hurt me," he said. "I'm not a disable. My arm working just fine."

Knicks Sign Gheorghe Muresan in Push for Lebron

2010-06-24T18:03:00.000-07:00

New York adds aging star to roster in desperate attempt to land "King" James

By Jeremy Strauss
Editor-in-chief

NEW YORK -- Gheorghe Muresan, the 7'7" giant from Romania who ties the record for the tallest player to ever play in the NBA, is coming out of retirement.

With their sights set on luring Lebron James to the Big Apple, the Knicks persuaded Muresan, the former Washington Bullets star quite clearly known for his height, to take a second stab at a career.

"This is a great day for me and my family," said Muresan, before joking, "and Lebron -- what are you waiting for?"

Knicks coach Mike D'Antoni said the signing certainly gives New York more depth at the center position.

"He's no Nate Robinson, that's for sure," said D'Antoni. "I really like that about him."

An ecstatic Muresan returns to the NBA to play for one of its worst teams

Muresan is signed for two years, but in one of the strangest contracts in the history of professional sports. First, he becomes the first player ever to earn an hourly wage ($20/hour) rather than a yearly salary. Second, Muresan must complete at least seven hours per week of "Lebron service" leading up to the eventual day Lebron is signed to the Knicks. This can include anything from TV spots to calling Lebron on the phone and pushing his move east.

If such a signing never happens, Muresan's wage will drop $5/hour.

"I've only got a few days until free agency begins," said Muresan. "I'd better get to work."

Tiger Woods Loses Masters, Lets Down Adulterers Everywhere

2010-04-12T07:07:00.000-07:00

AP (Augusta)-Embattled golfer Tiger Woods failed to win the 2010 Masters Tournament on Sunday, sending a crushing blow to adulterers all across the country, and, for that matter, the world. "I am truly sorry to the global community of adulterers who I have let down with this loss," a sober Woods told the press after he was officially eliminated from the tournament. "I wanted to show people that you can cheat on your wife, literally hundreds of times, with porn stars and cocktail waitresses, really, whoever is around, and still be a hero and a champion. But I failed." Things seem to just keep getting worse for the former king of the golf world, as Woods now stands to lose millions in pro-adultery sponsorships. This year's Masters champion, long time pro Phil Mickelson, has never cheated on his wife or sent a filthy text message to a porn star, a fact that certainly doesn't shine the most positive light on the pro-adultery community. Needless to say, this is a loss that will be felt for a very long time by politicians and pretty much every NFL player ever for a long, long time.

by Daniel Strauss

New Study: SportsCenter Now 95% Inside Jokes

2010-03-17T13:32:00.001-07:00

Groundbreaking report reveals that now only 5% of show spent covering sports

By Jeremy Strauss
Editor-in-chief

BRISTOL, CT -- A new analysis released this week by the Sports Media Commission (SMC) notes that over the past year, approximately 95 percent of the ESPN hit highlight reel show SportsCenter has been spent on inside jokes between anchors, leaving just five percent for actual sports.

"Josh Elliot's coffee-getting habits during the break are not funny or relevant to viewers," said Eric Wrangle, Executive Director of SMC. "Apparently, the anchors think otherwise."

The report notes that today's SportsCenter anchors make so many "countless references" to events that occurred off camera that the show itself has become a complete joke. SportsCenter, according to SMC, has essentially evolved into an exclusive party to which America's viewers are not invited.

"Ever wonder why Hannah Storm can't stop laughing while reading the teleprompter for a Spurs-Lakers highlight?" said Jose Rodriguez-Pena, Executive Director of SMC Latin America. "Me too. I think everyone's wondering that these days. It's really annoying."

SportsCenter anchors responded to the allegations of insidejokedness rather unseriously.

SportsCenter, the world's funniest television program

"Jokes?" said Josh Elliot between uncontrollable spurts of laughter. "I don't make jokes on the air. Except for that time Sage Steele called me a jerk just before we came back from commercial. Couldn't hold back the tears on air!"

Wrangle says if the jokes continue, the anchors' job securities -- which seem so secure these days -- could be in doubt.

"I don't think anyone wants to watch SportsCenter these days," he said. "It's their only option for sports highlights. But it might be time for a changing of the guard from these little jesters."

Oregon Football Player Suspended for Creating Homemade Doomsday Device

2010-02-26T07:19:00.000-08:00

Coach Chip Kelly speaks with the press about the Oregon Ducks football team's latest calamity.

By Daniel Strauss

In yet another blow to the Oregon Ducks football program, Coach Chip Kelly announced Friday that he was forced to ask junior offensive lineman Ramsen Golpashin to leave the team after finding a homemade doomsday device in Golpashin's off campus apartment.

"I was making a stop at Ramsen's house to tell him he was going to be a team captain next year," a visibly upset Kelly said, at a press conference Friday. "I knocked on the door and just heard all this scurrying around on the other side. Sure enough, when he opened the door, there it was. A doomsday machine. I've seen enough of those to know in my day to recognize it instantly."

It seems Oregon's players can't stay out of trouble this tumultuous offseason, which so far has included running back LaMichael James' domestic abuse case, and the removal of wideout Jamere Holland because of an expletive-filled Facebook status update. But, Kelly told reporters, Golpashin's suspension trumps them all.

"I always knew there was something off about that kid," Kelly said. "I'm just ashamed I didn't act on my gut feeling sooner. If he'd been able to carry out his dastardly plan...well...well, I just don't want to think about it."

Golpashin reacted to his ejection from the squad via a written statement through his publicist. "The only thing I did wrong was get caught. Soon, I shall have my revenge on Chip Kelly, the Ducks, and then, the world."

Asked if he would ever think about reinstating Golpashin, Kelly took a moment, and then offered this response. "If we're undefeated through week four? Yeah. Probably."

Lindsey Vonn: "My days of relevance are numbered."

2010-02-24T21:53:00.000-08:00

Olympic Skier likely to lose all popularity very soon

By Jeremy Strauss
Editor-in-chief

VANCOUVER, BC -- Today, Lindsey Vonn is a U.S. champion Olympic skier, the pride of her country, and a role model for girls everywhere. In a few days time, however, nearly all of those titles will disappear.

"To most people, the Olympics are cool for at least a few hours," Vonn said on Wednesday. "Then, it's like, I'd rather watch the Yankee game. I now realize my days of relevance are numbered."

Yes, a week from now, skiing will return from its current primetime position to its rightful place on random Saturday afternoons when nothing else is on. The sport will change from a must-watch to a must-turn-off-immediately, as Americans slowly begin to remember its sheer tediousness.

Most importantly, the excitement of snow on hills will go back to being just snow on hills.

"I'm glad I'm on T.V. all the time now," said Vonn. "People get to see me talking about my sport and actually skiing. This is something that only comes about twice every decade for me.

"It's like I'm sort of famous."

Vonn claims skiing will likely return to its original state of irrelevance quite soon

Like most Olympians, Scott Moir, a Canadian ice dancer who recently brought home a gold medal for his country, echoed Vonn's sentiments.

"My sport is especially irrelevant," said Moir. "I mean, during the Olympics, a lot of people even think it's irrelevant. A few weeks from now, think of how little people will care about me."

Shaun White, an American snowboarder, has shot down Vonn's comments, claiming they misrepresented most Olympians.

"I'm sort of famous," he said. "And I'm sort of famous year round. No damn skier is gonna take that away from me."

NHL Players Defeat Other NHL Players in Ice Hockey Game

2010-02-22T10:45:00.000-08:00

Nation Stands Still for "Miracle on Ice"

By Jeremy Strauss
Editor-in-Chief

VANCOUVER, BC -- The Olympics are a time for pride in one's country. Yesterday, all American eyes were on the U.S. Men's Hockey team as they battled Team Canada in a non-NHL game of ice hockey.

The result was an absolutely miraculous 5-3 victory for the USA, proving that if some NHL players play on one side and some play on another, the outcome of the game, although sometimes improbable, may favor the less-favored side.

"It was sort of like if the Carolina Hurricanes had beaten the Detroit Red Wings," said U.S. Coach Ron Wilson. "Kind of unlikely, but since they're all professional players playing in the same league, it's really not that amazing."

Indeed, fans across the nation marveled at how such an incredible upset -- which featured players from the New York Rangers actually beating players from the Pittsburgh Penguins and Columbus Blue Jackets -- could take place.

U.S. goalie Ryan Miller silences opponents he sees for a living -- literally.

"I didn't like hockey before, but now I do because it really shows how far our country has come," said Paul Hendrix of Portland, ME. "This game just means so much more. It's a miracle. They've been talking about it on Sports Center all day.

"This is way better than the NHL," he added.

The U.S. team was touted as an underdog from the start of the Olympics, a classification that evoked memories of the 1980 team that upset the Soviets in what has become known as the "Miracle on Ice." Now, some are calling yesterday's victory -- which took several NHL players, placed them on teams, and transported them to Vancouver during a period of about two weeks -- a second "miracle."

"It's really special for the fans," said U.S. player Chris Drury, who has a whopping ten goals in 57 games for the New York Rangers this season, but somehow managed to "step up" for yesterday's contest. "Beating those NHL players was one of the most exciting moments of my career."

U.S. Players celebrate after scoring on Canada's Martin Brodeur, something done quite often in the National Hockey League

"Everyone's saying they can't believe we lost," said Canada's Sidney Crosby. "I don't really see how it's that hard to believe."

What's next for the U.S. team? A bye into the medal round, which will surely feature more games against teams comprised of NHL players.

Developing Story: Brett Favre Cannot Watch Super Bowl Without Constantly Commenting On What He Would Have Done

2010-02-07T15:19:00.000-08:00

By Marty Strauss
Senior Staff Writer

MINNEAPOLIS, MN – After an unexpected loss to the New Orleans Saints, the Minnesota Vikings have been unable to even view the Super Bowl without an enormous amount of sighs and groans coming from a large entity in the corner of the room.

Now, due to the fact that one of the groans sounded very similar to “I shouldn’t have thrown that stupid pick," SnideSports can confirm that the "entity" is most likely Brett Favre. Other noted sounds coming from the Favre have been “Man, I would not have thrown the ball there, there was another guy wide open,” and “I would have been so good out there but now I’m in here, look at me,” followed by the occasional “C’mon man, are you kidding me?”

“At first we thought he was asleep, but then we noticed that every sigh or comment came directly after a play, observed Vikings receiver Sidney Rice. "This seemed to signal that he was actually criticizing the performance of both the Colts and the Saints."

Brett Favre, preparing to throw the interception that
would make him even more annoying than he was before.

“It has become increasingly hard to watch the game with Favre acting the way he is," added TE Visanthe Shiancoe. "We've tried to tell him to stop, but he doesn’t seem to pay any attention. It seems that he’s slipped into some sort of half-asleep half-awake state.

“The doctor that we called up told us it probably is a late traumatic reaction to his ‘completely screwing everything up for us’ at the NFC championship game. But I don’t know about that doctor’s credibility. He said his name was ‘Doc Surgeon’ or something. But I guess we’ll have to take his word for it.”

“Yes, we’ve tried shocking him out of it," noted "Big K" (as he is called by his teammates) Ryan Longwell. "It appears to be somewhat permanent at the moment. But it’s a good thing we chose to watch it at Adrian Peterson’s house, because he has another HDTV upstairs. We may just have to carry him upstairs if things get too bad.”

TICKER: Big Game Tonight?

2010-02-07T11:29:00.000-08:00

USA -- Authorities have confirmed that a larger-than-usual sporting event is set to occur tonight. The game could target up to a million people across the United States, and even more across the world. A huge marketing event is reportedly in play, and advertising agencies are currently attempting to take advantage. Many frozen food companies are looking to prosper as sales on game-time snacks could be at an all-time high. For more info on the big game, watch it?

-By Jeremy and Marty Strauss

Doc Rivers to Celtics-"Please Start Playing Well So I Look Like a Good Coach Again"

2010-02-02T09:15:00.001-08:00

Slightly popular coach afraid team's play may affect his image

By Daniel Strauss

A distraught Boston Celtics coach Doc Rivers had a closed door meeting with his entire team after Sunday's heartbreaking one point loss to the Los Angeles Lakers, telling his team that if they didn't start playing well again, he would continue to look like a bad coach.

"You guys are making it look more and more like I had nothing to do with that championship season," Rivers said, doing his best not to make eye contact with anyone in the room. "Stop getting injured, or playing injured, or whatever you're doing. Just make me look good again, guys! I need this!"

Many had speculated after the Celtics dismal 2006-2007 campaign, during which the team finished with a 24 and 58 record, that Rivers might not be a particularly good NBA coach. But after the Celtics purchased an NBA title the following season by adding Kevin Garnett and Ray Allen to their lineup, the court of public opinion swung back in Rivers' favor. The once embattled coach became a citywide hero, and people actually started to get behind Paul Pierce's claim that he was the best player in the NBA, despite his previous season and stats without Garnett and Allen.
"I wanted him [Rivers] fired after 2007. Boy was I wrong," said one Boston fan. "I think he showed us all in '08 that he was great at coaching what was essentially a team of all-stars desperate to win a title. But now...well, I just don't know what to think!"

Amidst an onslaught of questions from reporters, Rivers did all he could to hold his ground.

"Look, the fact of the matter is, either they're going to have to start playing like they did two years ago again, or people are going to think I don't know what I'm doing," he told reporters, after the game. "And I do know what I'm doing. One hundred percent."

When asked by one reporter if he thought maybe a change from the current triangle offense the Celtics are running might help the team improve, Rivers replied he hadn't considered the idea, but was thinking about lining up a few different players at wide receiver.

Pro Bowl Apparently Counted for Home Field in Super Bowl

2010-02-01T07:51:00.000-08:00

Once-ridiculous game now inexplicably important

By Jeremy Strauss
Editor-in-chief

MIAMI, FL -- When the final gun sounded on Sunday night's NFL Pro Bowl, a 41-34 AFC victory, fans and players alike thought they had put to rest the horrors of the world's most boring sporting event.

But just as those in attendance were waking up from their slumber to leave the arena, a male figure in a suit -- now noted to be NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell -- could be seen running on to the field and shouting a strange mantra over and over:

"That's home field for the AFC! Home field for the AFC!"

Players in this scene simply had no idea their actions had any affect on anyone's lives!

Alas, in one of the greatest tricks in all of professional sports, the NFL made last evening's Pro Bowl count toward home field next week's actual big game.

"We said it would be in Miami but it won't," laughed Goodell in an on-field press conference that took place directly after his rampage. "It's gonna be in Indianapapolis, 'cause the AFC won the game.

"First year of Super Bowl home field advantage begin!"

Despite the twist, somewhat confused players claimed after the game that they had no intention of playing hard during the contest.

"I guess I'm glad I could help out my conference," said the Texans' Matt Schaub, who was named the game's MVP. "But I really wasn't trying to win. It was just like any other Texans game."

"I've always been of the belief that All-Star games should count toward national championship games," said the Packers' Aaron Rodgers. "That's why I like baseball. I wish I had known. Maybe I would've tried a little more."

Despite the added pressure, Matt Schaub says he played "just like any other Texans game"

Luckily, this year's Super Bowl will be played in a dome, and thus could have been the site of the big game regardless of the new rule. However, future games could be played in cold climates such as Green Bay, Detroit, or even, as Goodell has suggested, Nova Scotia.

Sources say Goodell is attempting to get a new rule implemented that would allow the winning conference to choose whether the game is played in their home arena or at a neutral site in Nova Scotia, Canada.

"I just thought it would be fun," Goodell noted. "Lighten up."

Brett Favre: "I couldn't find my lucky socks."

2010-01-24T22:41:00.000-08:00

"Legendary" quarterback attributes loss to lack of correct footwear

By Jeremy Strauss

NEW ORLEANS, LA -- In a shocking turn of events Sunday, Brett Favre failed to lead the Minnesota Vikings to the Super Bowl. However, Favre now wishes to notify the public that there may have been reasons additional to obvious ones that his team lost the game to the New Orleans Saints.

"I didn't feel right out there the whole game," said Favre. "I usually wear this pair of socks but I couldn't find them in the locker room. Seriously, it's this pair of Adidas. Has anyone seen them?"

According to Favre, the socks were in his trusty equipment bag before the team's flight to New Orleans this week. He first noticed the socks were missing just about 30 minutes prior to last night's kickoff.

When asked if he believed a representative from the Saints organization had stolen the socks, Favre didn't want to jump to conclusions -- but also left all possibilities open.

"I don't know about that. I mean, would you steal them? I've played every game this season with those socks, and they knew that. I'm not saying they did it, but I could understand if they did."

"I don't know if my guys stole the socks," said Saints head coach Sean Payton. "But I know one thing. For the good of the sport, we'd better find those socks immediately."

Above: One of the socks that Favre played without

Brad Childress, Favre's coach, told reporters he takes the matter very seriously.

"What you saw here tonight was a football game, but also a crime against football," he said, his voice slightly cracking. "If we don't find those socks and bring whoever took them to justice, Brett might never decide to play or retire again."

Pete Carroll Named Head Coach of Tennessee Volunteers Football Team

2010-01-15T11:26:00.000-08:00

In a move stranger than bizarre, Pete Carroll was named head coach of the Tennessee Volunteers this morning, just days after leaving his job at USC to coach the Seattle Seahawks in the NFL. "It was time for a change," Carroll said. "The fact is, you go somewhere, you do all you can to make it the best place it can be, and when you're done, be it ten years or ten days, you're just done. You just know." A source close to the Seahawks said the team is now perusing current USC coach Lane Kiffin for their job, saying "it seems like the most sensible move." Carroll has announced that he does not want to violate recruiting rules, but any prospects he had recruited for Seattle are welcome to join him at Tennessee.

Wayne Gretzky Changes Last Name to NueveNueve

2010-01-09T19:52:00.000-08:00

#99 now forever 99

By Jeremy Strauss
Editor-in-chief

TORONTO -- Changing one's last name to the Spanish number he wears or wore as a pro athlete is indeed one of the strangest trends in today's culture. Now, in the unlikeliest of events, hockey legend Wayne Gretzky has jumped on that bandwagon.

This Saturday, "the Great One" announced will never again go by the name that became synonymous with hockey, as a federal judge officially confirmed that Wayne Gretzky's name is now Wayne NueveNueve.

Sports fans remember well when Bengals pro football receiver Chad Johnson became Chad Ochocinco in 2008. Now, NueveNueve, who wore the famous #99 throughout his illustrious career, joins Ochocinco in a select class of excellence.

"I realize this decision may shock you, but I know in my heart that it's the right one," said NueveNueve. "I love Spanish, I love my number, and now I can show that eternally."

Wayne NueveNueve began his career with the Edmonton Oilers.

Gretzky -- er, NueveNueve, that is -- also wanted to make sure his fans realized that both N's in NueveNueve are capitalized. This apparently accentuates both 9's in the number while diverging NueveNueve from Ochocinco.

"I fully support Mr. NueveNueve's decision," said NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman. "I think we all ought to honor the greatest player in hockey history's choice and love him for it."

"Wayne NueveNueve was the greatest player I ever played alongside," said Mark Messier. "As you can see, I won't be even referring to his former name anymore."

NueveNueve said he has plans to promote other professional athletes to follow the path he has set.

"I'll never forget my playing days with Mark UnoUno," he said.

Former NHL Coach Actually Clint Eastwood

2010-01-09T08:29:00.000-08:00

Surprising announcement comes week after firing

By Jeremy Strauss
Editor-in-chief

ST. LOUIS, MO -- Last week, the man we knew as Andy Murray, the now-former head coach of the NHL's St. Louis Blues, was relieved of his coaching duties due to the club's poor start. However, 'Murray' just may have never existed at all.

Just hours after a random blog posting this morning noting Murray's resemblence to actor/director Clint Eastwood, "Andy Murray," hockey coach, made an official announcement that he is actually Eastwood, and always has been.

"I am indeed 'Andy Murray,' the man who coached the LA Kings and St. Louis Blues since 1999," Eastwood said. "I wasn't sure when I was going to tell y'all, but here I am now so there ya go."

Above: Eastwood says he played Murray for several years, "just for the hell of it"

"He's always enjoyed hockey," said a source close to Eastwood who chose to remain anonymous. "It really doesn't surprise me that he did this."

Eastwood says when he created the persona, he had no idea he'd remain in hockey for ten years.

"I wanted to feel it out, see how long I could go for," he said. "Did I think I'd be here this long? No, probably not."

The St. Louis Blues, an organization Eastwood tricked into believing he was someone else entirely, were surprisingly understanding.

"I don't really get it, but he was a legitimate coach," said Blues president John Davidson. "We didn't fire him because he turned out to be Clint Eastwood, we fired him for hockey reasons. I hope he gets hired somewhere else soon."

Tiger Woods to Take Indefinite Leave from Cheating on his Wife

2010-01-07T13:40:00.000-08:00

Star golfer says "it might be time for a break"

By Jeremy Strauss
Editor-in-Chief

ANYWHERE, USA -- It seems golfer Tiger Woods' little black book -- which has grown into a rather large black book -- may be put away to collect dust for a little while.

On Thursday, America's most beloved athlete stated publicly that he'll be taking an indefinite leave of absence from cheating on his wife -- a pasttime that originally put Woods on the map.

"Many of you forget that I have a family," said Woods. "Being in the public eye, you constantly want me to cheat on my wife and avoid my kids. But I think it might be time for a break."

Undoubtedly for Woods, filling the void created by not being able to cheat on his wife will be difficult. However, the inspirational hero to many claims that he has overcome odds in the past and is certain he can do it again.

"I know I can avoid cheating on her for these next few minutes," he said. "There, was that so hard?"

Tiger Woods will attempt to avoid cheating on this Swedish supermodel

In order to effectively execute this leave of absence, Woods will need to fully isolate himself from his wife and children for several weeks or even months. According to multiple reports, Woods has already contacted Gilette advertisement friend and footballer Thiery Henry for a place to lay low for a while.

"I told him I wanted to take a leave from handballing," joked Henry. "No, but seriously, I fully support Tiger's efforts to not cheat on his wife, at least until she divorces him."

When asked what he hopes to gain from this experimental leave, Woods unexpectedly left the press conference.

Gilbert Arenas: "I Did it Because of Grand Theft Auto"

2010-01-07T07:47:00.000-08:00

WASHINGTON, DC-Recently suspended Washington Wizards point guard Gilbert Arenas is telling reporters that his reasoning behind bringing guns into the Wizards locker room was simple-he got the idea from playing the video game "Grand Theft Auto." "I was playing Grand Theft Auto IV, this one part in the game where you gun down an entire Russian gang, and then fly away in a helicopter, and it just hit me. I just had this sudden uncontrollable urge to bring guns to work." Arenas attests that the entire ordeal was in no way his fault, rather, it is the fault of video game industry for their excessive use of violence and "making it look so cool." Senator Joseph Lieberman has quickly jumped to Arenas's aid, starting a campaign to clear the maligned basketballers name called "Don't Blame Gil, Blame Video Games." "Games like Grand Theft Auto or Halo, they only exist to take normally sane people and turn them into malicious killers," Lieberman said, addressing congress on Tuesday. "Innocent, impressionable, slow minded people like Gilbert Arenas. And it's just wrong. Let's put a stop to video games-I mean violence. Violence in video games." Arenas went on to add that other reasons he brought guns to work were Eminem and Marilyn Manson's music, and the foul language he heard on South Park.

by Daniel Strauss

Pro Wrestling Match Really Coming Down to the Wire

2009-12-29T00:15:00.001-08:00

BIRMINGHAM-According to sources close to those involved, WWE Monday Night Raw's singles competition wrestling match between Carlito and Shelton Benmjamin is really coming down to the wire. Reports indicated that while the match has been pretty much a back and forth affair most of the evening (with highlights including a top rope leg drop by Carlito and a textbook fisherman's suplex by Benjamin), both sides are beginning to show signs of fatigue and the bout's outcome is just as up for grabs now as it was before the match began. "This is a bona-fide slobber knocker," wrestling commentator Jim Ross said. "I've never seen two athletes, in any sport, give it all for the fans like these two have." Many experts are predicting that Benjamin will win the match by connecting with a big boot to the face, although other analysts have said Carlito will pull the upset, given his incredible athletic ability to hit opponents in the head with steel chairs while the referee is distracted by another wrestler or is otherwise incapacitated. Either way, officials are keeping their fingers crossed and hoping the match wraps up by the show's strict 11:10pm ET end time.

by Daniel Strauss

Survey-Lebron James Puppet Significantly More Likeable Than Actual Lebron James

2009-12-25T12:56:00.001-08:00

CLEVELAND-According to a recent study conducted by the NBA, Americans prefer the Nike commercial puppet version of Lebron James to the actual, real life Lebron James by a staggeringly high count of four to one. "He's just so cute, and plus he can rap, and you can sort of tell he doesn't take himself too seriously." one survey participant commented. "Not like the actual Lebron, who wont shake hands after losses and lays on the ground for like five hours after tripping or something." "This was a tough one," another participant said. "I ended up picking the real Lebron, but the puppet is a lot easier to get behind. He just doesn't strike me as a choker." While Lebron James could not be reached for comment, the Lebron puppet was more than happy to offer his opinion, saying "I guess America prefers a piece of felt with a hand stuck up his ass to Lebron James."

A Bunch of USC Players Break NCAA Rules, Blah Blah Blah

2009-12-23T14:16:00.000-08:00

Stop me if you've heard this one, but a bunch of players from the USC football team broke some dumb NCAA rules that say they can't accept money or cars, or stuff like that, so now they can't play in the Emerald Bowl (a game no one cares about anyway). "I don't really know what the problem is," said USC running back Joe McKnight, who was seen driving around in his girlfriend's car, or something totally inconsequential like that. "I mean, I'm a football player at a powerhouse college program. Does anybody honestly think this stuff doesn't go on all across the country? What did I even do?" According to the NCAA, who are always really on top of this mega-important stuff, McKnight and three other USC players did something that pretty much every other famous collegiate athlete ever has done, which makes them ineligible for postseason play (which, coincidentally, also doesn't matter at all). Coach Pete Carroll took a much more optimistic viewpoint of the situation, telling reporters "It's nice to be on ESPN for something other than getting blown out by a far inferior opponent."

Tim Tebow Just Gonna Stay in Bed and Watch 80's Teen Movies, If You Wanna Come By

2009-12-06T17:42:00.000-08:00

Florida Gators quarterback Tim Tebow is just gonna hang out in bed today (and probably most of this week) and watch some of his favorite 80's teen movies, the former Heisman Winner told reporters Monday. He's probably gonna to watch Sixteen Candles, The Breakfast Club, and maybe even Teen Wolf, just to mix it up a bit. Tebow was also thinking he'd probably break out some of those Twinkies and Ho Hos that have been just been sitting and gathering dust in his pantry, because, why not, he deserves it, and it's not like having four or five Twinkees is gonna kill him. The Heisman winning quarterback said he was just feeling "mega-bummed" about the team's recent blowout loss in the SEC championship to Alabama, but that a "mani/pedi" would probably make him feel at least a little better. "Anyways, if anybody wants to come over, that'd be cool," Tebow said, as tears formed in his eyes. "It just be cool to have some friends around." Tebow also said he bought a bunch of green facial masks with aloe if anyone would be into that.

By Daniel Strauss

Josh Elliot Finding New Creative Ways to Be Passive Aggressive Towards Hannah Storm

2009-12-04T08:24:00.000-08:00

BRISTOL-ESPN morning SportsCenter anchor Josh Elliot knows a thing or two about how to make someone feel unwelcome. Just ask his co-anchor, Hannah Storm. "A lot of times, I'll come in and sit down in my chair, and it'll be all the way at the bottom, like, I have to push it back up, you know? And then I'll look over and see Josh with this stupid smirk on his face, and I just know it was him." According to Storm, Elliot has also loosened the top of her salt shaker in the cafeteria, so that when she tries to use it, all the salt comes out, he has frequently replaced her skin moisturizer with foot cream, and changed the background image on her Blackberry from a photograph of her husband to various images of "LOLCats." "Whenever I ask him about it, he just makes this stupid face," Storm said. "Like I don't know it was him. What a goddamn five year old." Elliot declined to comment, but did say that, although he was unaware of who the culprit was, maybe "whoever it is" would stop if Storm wasn't such a "dumbfaced doodyhead."

By Daniel Strauss

Bill Belichick Blames Patriots Recent Struggles on "Countless Deals with Satan"

2009-12-02T08:42:00.000-08:00

FOXBORO-A strangely nonchalant Bill Belichick addressed reporters Tuesday morning, claiming that the reason for the New England Patriots' recent struggles this year was due to "countless deals" he himself has made with the Devil.

"I'm not going to go back and detail each bargain or deal that I made with Satan, to do that would take far too long, and, to be honest, I don't think I could really remember each individual one." Belichick said, showing little emotion. "But that's the reason we're having so much trouble this season. That I can tell you."

The Patriots (7-4), while currently in first place the AFC East, have noticibly lost their swagger this year. A questionable call by Coach Belichick to go for it on fourth and two resulted in a loss at rival Indianapolis, and a 38-17 loss to the New Orleans Saints have left New England humbled.

"The whole fourth and two thing, I'm not gonna go into details, but I'm pretty sure I know what that was about," Belichick said. "Let's just say I've been a bit behind on delivering my first born to his black-heartedness, Beelzebub. I'm not going to go into it any more than that."

The Prince of Darkness himself could not be reached for comment, though a member of his staff who chose to remain anonymous was reached for comment. "Billy's running a bit low on collateral," he said. "At this point, I don't see how he can possibly make good on our deals and all the ones he made with Voldemort."

--by Daniel Strauss

Charlie Weis's Last Message to ND Football Team: "I Have Four Superbowl Rings"

2009-12-01T11:05:00.000-08:00

SOUTH BEND-Given the chance to address his former players one last time, recently fired Notre Dame coach Charlie Weis had just one thing to say. He's coached four Superbowl winning teams.

"These are the four rings I got from winning four Superbowls," Weis said, trying desperately to remain relevant in some regard and pointing frantically at his rings. "I used to be the offensive coordinator for the New England Patriots."

Weis went on to describe how his expert play calling and long list of credentials would bring Notre Dame to new levels of success, refusing to acknowledge at any time that he had been fired. "These four rings were from Superbowls," he repeated. "I was the offensive assistant and assistant special teams coach for the Giants. I won one of them there."

Quarterback Jimmy Clausen said Weis's words really hit home for him. "I hope the next coach we get has won some Superbowls too," he told reporters. "Maybe John Gruden, or Tony Dungee, or somebody else who is completely unsuited for this job."

Weis reminded his players to stay strong in the face of adversity, to continue to wear their ND uniforms with pride, and that he won four Superbowl rings as an offensive coordinator in the NFL.

"If you remember nothing else," Weis said, holding back tears. "Remember this-while I was in the NFL as an offensive coordinator for the New England Patriots, I won three Super Bowl rings. One of them, I won while I was offensive assistant and assistant special teams coach for the New York Giants."

Weis then slowly left the room, pausing occasionally and turning around, as if to say something, but then just pointing to his rings and turning around again.

-By Daniel Strauss

TICKER: Urban Meyer to Go on Hunger Strike for Tim Tebow

2009-11-23T22:17:00.001-08:00

GAINESVILLE, FL -- University of Florida head football coach Urban Meyer will go to new heights this week in honor of his quarterback, Tim Tebow.

The successful boss of the Gators announced Monday that he will soon initiate a hunger strike, simply in honor of the existence of the team's quarterback, Tim Tebow.

"Tim and I have such a great relationship on and off the field," began Meyer. He then began to start several sentences with the word "Tim" but found himself unable to continue on account of his emotions.

"That's why I'm going on a hunger strike," continued the coach after a three hour silence. "I want to highlight how good he is, I think people really need to know. He's so great."

Tebow, often referred to as one of the greatest college football players of all time as well as one of the best things in general to be manifested in all of humanity, seemed humbled by the gesture.

"If coach wants to do that, I don't really see the point but I guess it's best for the team," he said. "Maybe we win better that way."

The hunger strike is scheduled to last indefinitely, or, in the words of Meyer, "until people appreciate him."

"I just think he's so good that I could go hungry for him," explained Meyer.

Brett Favre Retires, Unretires in Middle of Night

2009-11-10T11:06:00.000-08:00

MINNEAPOLIS, MN -- In the wee hours of Tuesday morning, Minnesota Vikings quarterback Brett Favre decided yet again to retire and shortly thereafter unretire, SnideSports has learned. According to reports, Favre awoke in his home at approximately 2:03 AM this morning to use the bathroom. On the way back from relieving himself, Favre decided that he no longer wished to play professional football. However, after "thinking about it for a second" upon crawling back into bed (at approximately 2:06 AM), Favre ultimately made the decision not to opt out of his multimillion dollar contract with the Vikings. "I just got that itch again, and I wanted to play again, and now it looks like I'm back," said Favre in a released statement. Favre's most recent return to the NFL is particularly shocking, given that he told multiple reporters during dreams between 1 and 2 AM that he would not, under any circumstances, return to the NFL.

-By Jeremy Strauss

WORD SERIES AFTERMATH 2009: Perlozzo Named MVP

2009-11-06T09:24:00.000-08:00

By Jeremy Strauss

NEW YORK -- In a surprising twist, the first of its kind, Philadelphia Phillies third base coach Sam Perlozzo has been named the MVP of the 2009 World Series, adding a glimmer of hope to an overall awful event which ended in a rather unfortunate Yankees win.

Perlozzo, whose lackluster playing career once spanned parts of two seasons, was shocked upon hearing the announcement.

"I'm not really sure what I did," he explained. "I guess a few guys passed through third, and I waved 'em home. We scored some runs that way."

The height of Perlozzo's coaching career at the professional level came in 2005, when he was promoted to the vaunted position of Baltimore Orioles manager. In his first full season in the dugout, Perlozzo led Baltimore to a stellar record of 70-92, an utterly incredible mark given the O's horrificly terrible personnel.

"I could've been MVP then," laughed Perlozzo. "Man, was that team bad."

Perlozzo delivers an MVP-caliber performance, congratulating Jayson Werth on a home run

The decision to name Perlozzo MVP marks the first time a base coach, or a coach of any kind for that matter, has won the award. It is also, of course, a rarity that a member of the losing club would be rewarded in such a fashion.

"Sam worked hard, and we appreciate it," said MLB Commissioner Bud Selig. "He richly deserves the award for coaching third base exceptionally well."

Perlozzo is also reportedly being considered for the third base gold glove.

Sam Perlozzo's Wikipedia page contributed to this report.

WORLD SERIES AFTERMATH 2009: Thousands Turn Out Across Nation to Protest Yankees' Championship

2009-11-05T20:10:00.001-08:00

A protest against the Yankees on the National Mall Thursday turned out just more than Obama's Inauguration

By Jeremy Strauss

ACROSS THE US -- If today has shown anything, it's that the New York Yankees' horribly unfortunate victory in last night's World Series game has affected people of all types, shapes, and sizes.

An estimated 500,000,000 turned out across America Thursday to protest the Bombers' 27th World Series title. Protests ranged from small A-Rod effigy burning ceremonies in backyards to monumental demonstrations in cities such as Boston, Chicago, and Los Angeles.

The largest protest, however, took place on the National Mall in Washington, DC. At the epicenter of our country's locale of legislative change, several celebrities made the trip down to share in this American tragedy and voice words of hope for the future.

"This is devastating, and we all know it's devastating," said George Clooney, the event's keynote speaker. "The victory is something I can accurately estimate no American wanted.

Clooney leads those in attendance in a moment of silence for those hurt by the Yankees

"But we must go on. We must always go on in these hard times. Eventually I know we will see the light of next season upon us."

"I couldn't sleep last night, I was just so upset," said one fan at the Washington event. "As soon as I heard about this rally, I got on the next flight from Atlanta, where I live."

The second largest protest took place in Boston, a town known for its fierce rivalry with New York. However, Charlize Theron showed that not all protesters were exactly on the same page when she claimed during her speech in Beantown that "a Red Sox victory may have been worse."

"That really pissed me off," said a Boston fan angrily. "If we can't stand together now, then when can we?"

Thursday also marked the formation of several community nonprofits directed against the Yankees, including Stop the Yankees Reign of Terror Now (SYRT) in Chicago, Save the Children from A-Rod - Before it's Too Late (SCA-BTL) in Baltimore, and The Yankees Make me Hate Baseball (YMHB) in Washington.

Chris Berman Confusing Actual Sports With Applebee's "Two for Twenty" Deal

2009-10-30T08:42:00.000-07:00

BRISTOL-Chris Berman, noted ESPN sports commentator and recent star of Applebee's restaurant's "Two For Twenty" television ad campaign, seemed unable to tell the difference between actual sports and the new Applebee's promotion during last Sunday's ESPN broadcast. "This deal could! Go! All! The! Way!" Berman shouted over a clip of a sixty yard DeAngelo Williams touchdown run. He also said that real reason for the Chicago Bears recent offensive struggles was an inability to incorporate Dan "Wingmaster" Wilson in the so-called "boneless buffalo wing game." When looking ahead to the World Series at the end of the show, Berman said "My pick for this series? Applebee's two for twenty!" after which, he burst into tears and asked Tom "TJ" Jackson if he could please tell him where he was.

by Daniel Strauss

Officials Forget to Show Up to Rangers-Devils Game

2009-10-23T14:03:00.000-07:00

"Drink among friends" leads referees, linesmen to forget key duties of work

Above: Three of the game's officials at Madison Square Garden, 2 hours after the game had ended

By Jeremy Strauss

NEW YORK -- National Hockey League referees Wes McCauley, Tim Peel, and linesmen Michel Cormier and Jean Morin may have some explaining to do.

The NHL is currently investigating what led the quartet of officials to fully miss Thursday night's game at Madison Square Garden between the New York Rangers and New Jersey Devils.

"We were just having a drink, and one thing led to another," said McCauley on a conference call to the media this morning. "What can I say -- it's New York, stupid things happen."

"It was only supposed to be one drink before the game to relax us a little," added Morin. "At one point I looked at my watch and thought, oh crap, the game!"

Following the extended happy hour, the officials rushed to the arena and suited up, hoping to catch the end of the third period. The game, however, had ended hours earlier in a 4-2 Devils victory.

"We're waiting and waiting and waiting and thinking, when are these guys gonna come already?" said Rangers coach John Tortorella after the game. "Finally, we thought, let's just start the thing, and hopefully they'll show up eventually. We'll call our own offsides, and we can agree on penalties if they're really blatant."

No penalties were called during the game.

"I remember once, when I played peewee, the league forgot to schedule refs so our coaches skated out there and made the calls," said Devils forward Zach Parise. "This was kind of like that."

Parise slashes the Rangers Vinny Prospal. As the coaches could not agree, no penalty was called on the play.

While the game obviously can't be replayed, the disgraced officials have plans to make up for the damage caused.

"We could do extra games," said referee Tim Peel. "Seriously, we feel really bad about this. I wouldn't have a problem doing extra games."

Commissioner Gary Bettman has yet to issue an official statement on how the situation will be deal with. However, he did offer some harsh words in a brief press conference today.

"These referees and linesmen won't be invited back to MSG anytime soon," he said. "While it's too early to say anything, I personally think we should have another lockout, just because of this."

2K Sports Introduces New "Playing for Pride" Mode

2009-10-07T12:32:00.000-07:00

Addition to MLB Series "Just like Real Life"

By Jeremy Strauss

NEW YORK -- It's the bottom of the ninth in a game between the Washington Nationals and New York Mets at CITI Field.

With the Nats leading 3-2 and 2 men on base, David Wright steps up to bat. He swings as hard as he can and lines a double off the left field wall. Both runners score and the Mets win!

Unfortunately, this season, for New York and Washington fans alike, this situation might be perceived as "meaningless," as both clubs finished off the year at the bottom of the NL East division.

However, 2K sports has an answer to the issue of the thousands of baseball games played each year that wouldn't possibly matter to any lifeform living within a 20,000 mile radius of the Earth: Playing for Pride Mode (PPM).

Unleashed in their newest game -- MLB 2K10, the mode entails the following: users can pick a team, preferably one of the league's worst such as the Pittsburgh Pirates. The team will then begin the season mode 20 games back in the division with just 40 games to play.

The ultimate goal? Forget about the playoffs -- you were eliminated from them officially a few weeks ago and unofficially by the baseball community before the season even began. Now, just try not to finish last and gain a few ounces of respect along the way!

PPM means this pitch could the difference between 5th or 4th place

"We wanted to give that majority of fans that root for those awful teams something close to home," said 2K Sports designer Drew Peters. "This isn't about something like the Red Sox meeting the Yankees in the playoffs. It's more like the Washington Nationals reminding the world that they actually do play professional baseball."

In the mode, as the non-waiver trade deadline has passed, acquiring new guys is strictly prohbited. However, call-ups from the minors are allowed, and indeed encouraged. After all, if you aren't going to give those new guys a chance now, when the season is finished, then when will it happen?

One PPM feature is the "random injury" setting, which can be turned on or off by users. If set to on, the feature allows for several random injuries to the competing team's "best" players during their quest to get out of the gutter.

Jose Reyes' Random Injury setting is higher than most players'

"Random injury is just like real life," added Peters. "Have you ever felt like all your team's luck comes crashing down at once at the end of the season? Like everyone suddenly gives up? Here, we're trying to challenge users to counteract that."

In addition, teams will receive bonus points just for ending up on SportsCenter for any reason during the mode. If the SportsCenter anchor makes a snide comment ridiculing how bad the team is, those bonus points are tripled.

Users can also opt to fire their team's manager at any point during the mode. They are warned before the firing, however, that "someone far less competent, such as a sunflower seed-eating bench coach, will immediately take over and do virtually nothing to motivate the team from here on out." If this is the risk users are willing to take, then they may dump the manager.

"You always have to read about those games in the newspaper that don't matter to anyone," said 2K Sports CEO Grace Cornwallis. "We thought, why not make it matter?"

And make it matter they have. With 2K Sports' Playing for Pride Mode, your club won't be the worst anymore!

THRASHERS REPORT: Ron Hainsey's Own Goals in EA Sports NHL '10 Up 25%

2009-10-05T21:36:00.000-07:00

Atlanta Blueliner Shows More Signs of Error in New Video Game Season

By Jeremy Strauss

Editor's Note: The following is the first segment of "Thrashers Report," a monthly bit we're planning on doing, well, each month, to keep you updated on everyone's favorite team, the Atlanta Thrashers. Please enjoy!

ATLANTA, GA -- The crowd was moaning. The players were groaning. The scoreboard read 1-0, Tampa Bay.

Ron Hainsey had put the puck in his own net yet again.

That instance last Thursday in a game of EA Sports NHL '10 was unfortunately one of many this year for the Thrashers' veteran defenseman. These days, it seems the more he plays on video game consoles, the more virtual mistakes the Connecticut native makes.

"Some times I'm trying to go behind my own net and I accidentally poke it in," explained an embarrassed Hainsey. "Other times, I don't know, I'm getting pushed into the goal by someone on the other team during a scramble in front.

"This has to stop. It's eating at my soul."

Hainsey's latest own goal came on Sunday night at the hands of Atlanta division rival Florida Panthers. With Hainsey being controlled by USER GoThrash96, he took control of the puck in his own zone, weakly attempted to pass to his defensive partner, and somehow managed to direct the puck past his goaltender Kari Lehtonen, who looked up at the sky in dismay.

The goal was Hainsey's fifth for his side of the young season, which already marks a 25% increase on the 4 virtual video game own goals he scored last season in NHL '09.

Above: A simulation of one of Hainsey's 5 own goals

"That one was bad, but it was nothing like last week," noted Hainsey following the game.

The incident Hainsey was referring to came during a virtual game against the Columbus Blue Jackets. With the Blue Jackets trailing 5-4 with less than a minute left to play, USER ILuvUKovalchuk -- who controlled the Thrashers -- decided to give his friend USER RickyNashRocks -- who controlled the Blue Jackets -- a break.

Controlling Hainsey, ILuvKovalchuk skated forward into his goaltender until he gave up and scored, forcing an overtime during which the Blue Jackets would emerge victorious, 6-5.

"We're about to win the game, and then we're going to overtime and it's all because of me," said Hainsey after the game. "I let everyone down tonight."

With five own goal tallies on the season, Hainsey sits well ahead of the next-in-line -- teammate Colby Armstrong -- who only has one. If this nightmarish season continues for the American-born defenseman, a trade could be on the horizon.

"I don't think I could cope with that," said Hainsey of the possibility. "I like playing in Atlanta too much."

Preseason Hockey Being Played, Apparently

2009-09-24T08:53:00.000-07:00

US/CANDIAN? CITIES -- Apparently, some National Hockey teams have started their preseason already, as of last Thursday or Friday. More than a few teams have already played games, including the Boston Bears, a team from Ohio that's pretty new, and last year's defending champs, the Philadelphia Penguins. "We at the NHL are very excited about this coming season, and that starts with a solid preseason," said Gary Betts, head of the hockey commission. "We're looking forward to giving our fans a great preview of what's to come." After last year's rule changes, including moving the blue and red lines around a bit and making the goalpost bigger (or something like that), a lot of people are speculating that hockey might be faster, or that players might have to pass the ball more to keep up. Preseason hockey continues up through December; by then it should be cold enough to freeze the ponds outside and start the real season, and the hunt for Stuckey's Mug.

--Daniel Strauss

Romo-"We're Basically the Mets of Football"

2009-09-21T09:24:00.000-07:00

By Daniel Strauss

After choking away a sure victory last night at brand new Cowboy Stadium to the New York Giants on the final drive of the game, a disappointed and visibly distraught Tony Romo vented his frustrations to reporters, saying he and the Cowboys were essentially "the Mets of the NFL."

"I mean, think about it," Romo said, addressing the media after the game. "We basically had the thing in the bag, and the defense just choked it away. Not unlike the Mets bullpen! And me, I threw three picks and even fumbled the ball. I guess that makes me John Maine, or Oliver Perez, or another of those garbage guys who always pitch injured and give up like five runs in the first."

Last night was supposed to be a celebration for the Cowboys, as they opened up their new stadium, a multi-million dollar facility capable of seating 80,000 people. But, not unlike the Mets, who have done virtually nothing but lose games since opening their brand new stadium, Citi Field, the Cowboys made the fans in attendance wish the team had spent the money on better players instead of a new stadium.

"Tony said that? I guess that's pretty spot on," Cowboy's head coach Wade Phillips said, when asked about Romo's comparison. "I guess that makes me Jerry Manuel," Phillips chuckled. "Although, I've always seen myself as more of a Willie Randolph type. And by that, I mean it wouldn't shock me if Jerry [Jones] fired me at three in the morning immediately following a win."

But the comparison doesn't end there. "We haven't one a single playoff game since I became the starter," Romo added. "Well, I guess that one really makes us more like the Cubs." This drew a huge laugh from the crowd, and even prompted Romo to crack a smile.

Asked to comment on Romo's statement, Jerry Jones was quoted as saying "I ain't no damn Spanish," presumably referring to Mets GM Omar Minaya, who is a Latino.

"Yep, it's true, we're basically the Mets," concluded Romo. "God, this is depressing." The Cowboys next chance to blow a lead comes against Carolina next Monday.

Week 2 NFL Action: Redskins, Patriots Each Score 9 Points in Pro Football Games

2009-09-20T20:27:00.000-07:00

By Jeremy Strauss

LANDOVER/EAST RUTHERFORD -- The National Football League continued to show why it offers the most exciting action on the market Sunday, as the Washington Redskins and New England Patriots each scored 9 points in their respective professional football games. By NFL rules, the two clubs are now just as good as one another.

"These are the kind of point totals we're looking for," said Washington head coach Jim Zorn. "Now we know for sure we can play with the big dogs of this league."

Following the game, Zorn could be seen placing a giant number nine on the wall of the Redskins locker room, an action that elicited cheers from players and coaches in the room.

"The fans have something to be proud of now," added Tight End Chris Cooley. "I know I'm proud to be a Washington RedThing."

A few hundred miles north of the Skins game, however, amazingly, Patriots boss Bill Belichick still felt his own nine-point troops could have done a bit better.

"Nine points is pretty darn good," he said. "Three field goals to be exact. But I felt like we could've put up at least ten."

Indeed, Belichick didn't make his name as one of the best coaches in the league by aiming low.

"Our ultimate goal is 16 points in a game," he added with a smile. "Might just be wishful thinking. We gotta break away from those Redskins at some point, right?"

The two point totals highlighted the success of the NFL's approach to promote more offense in games.

"These two teams really looked like they knew what they were doing out there," said NFL Network reporter Adam Schefter. "It just proves the teams are getting bigger, faster, stronger, and apparently, more even."

Video Game Legend Mappy Offers Commentary on Sports

2009-09-18T20:17:00.001-07:00

NAMCO Policing Star Gives Inspirational Speech to Boston Bruins

By Jeremy Strauss

BOSTON, MA -- As part of their 2009 Phil Esposito preseason lecture series, the Boston Bruins hockey team was treated to a very special guest on Friday night.

Boston GM Peter Chiarelli arranged for Mappy -- the legendary video game character from the 1983 NAMCO game of the same name -- to offer the Bruins his opinions on sports and the state of today's world in general.

"I've never talked to a hockey team before," Mappy began the speech. "It's not really my thing, so you'll have to bear with me."

Mappy is one of the most successful police officers of all time. More than once, he compared his career to the sports world today.

Mappy began his career as a mouse police officer in 1983. To date, he has become known as one of the most successful in his profession of all time, stealing back nearly 42 trillion Mona Lisa paintings, 65 quadrillion television sets, and 87 quintillion refrigerators from vicious robbing Meowkies.

Knowledgable of his amazing prowess in law enforcement, the Bruins invited Mappy to give the keynote speech at their preseason event. The guest lecturer is generally expected to give humorous opinions on sports while offering inspiration to the team with regard to their upcoming season. Mappy was no exception.

"I really don't understand that T.O. guy," he said, drawing cheers from the crowd. "How did he get his own show? Why can't I have my own show if he does?"

"Those damn Phoenix Coyotes are so bad, they look like Goro when he doesn't know where I'm jumping," continued Mappy, eliciting the biggest laugh of the night. "They look like they have forty Meowkies chasing them. Jesus Christ."

Bruins players and coaches were quite impressed with Mappy's speech.

"I was pretty much in awe the whole time," said forward Phil Kessel, who has yet to commit long term to Boston. "To be in the presence of a legend like that was incredible. It's amazing that he's so funny considering that he had such a serious career stealing back stolen goods."

"I don't understand that T.O. guy."

"We're all grateful that Mr. Map paid us a visit tonight," said head coach Claude Julien. "This was really something special for the organization that we might only top with a Stanley Cup championship."

Could Mappy's appearance at the event convince Phil Kessel to sign long-term with the Bruins?

While Mappy's initial comments were received as hilarious, and included such satirical comments as the comparison of Brett Favre's comeback to Goro's attempt to return to the game after a seven year absence, as well as the statement that "Kanye West has made more bitches cry than Meowkies I killed by microwave radiation," the star of the night closed his discourse with some truly motivating words.

"If you want to win, you have to be the best. I've believed it since 1983, when I first started playing Robin Hood, stealing back those stolen goods. If this 'Stuckly Cup' you keep speaking about is your goal, believe you can get it. It is your Mona Lisa, your refrigerator, your TV. Beat the other teams, your Meowkies.

"And you will win. I know you will."

Kanye West Interrupts U.S. Open Press Conference; Disses Juan Martin del Potro

2009-09-15T14:35:00.000-07:00

Drunk idiot "thinks he's really cool"

Juan Martin del Potro, moments before he would head into the press room and meet an unanticipated visitor.

By Marty Strauss

NEW YORK -- Juan Martin del Potro's U.S. Open victory was tremendously exciting, overwhelming, and unexpected on several fronts. However, not even the young Argentine star himself could've forseen what would occur during his postgame press conference.

“For someone like me, to win such a prestigious tournament as this, is just so incredible," began del Potro after the electrifying match. "I would never have imagined I would be standing on this po—”

Del Potro had not gotten this far into his opening statement when he noticed someone he had never seen before -- yet someone who looked distinctly familiar -- running toward the podium.

Kanye West was seen literally jumping out of his limousine and running toward del Potro. Upon his arrival, he immediately grabbed the microphone, pulled it toward him, and began to speak.

“Alright Juan, I’m real excited that you won this, I’m gonna let you finish in a minute," West said, "but Roger Federer is one of the best tennis players of all time. Of all time!”

This man, named Kanye West, has interrupted two stars during speeches in one week

After this outburst, while West appeared to wait for a positive reaction from the press, he received only confused murmurs.

“Just sayin’,” he continued before handing the microphone back to del Potro with a shrug of his shoulders.

Kanye West's limousine. This picture was taken half a year ago; because of West's unfathomable busy and fast-paced touring schedule, it is the only picture ever taken of his limousine.

West then jogged back out of the press room, and into his limousine filled with drunk and hot girls, as well as Roger Federer, who could be seen high-fiving the rap star as the passenger door closed.

Meanwhile, the press conference continued as planned, as del Potro seemed to make very little of the intrusion, assuming it was custom practice after winning the U.S. Open.

"We sure got him," said Federer. "Now he's just like Taylor Swift. How's it feel to win now, big man?"

The next stop on West's tour? Southern California, where he intends to notify USC football head coach Pete Carroll that although his Trojans opened their season with an oustanding victory, Ohio State is still better.

Lou Holtz: "Today was a dream. Everyone please wake up."

2009-09-12T23:25:00.001-07:00

Legendary coach refuses to believe ND loss to Michigan occurred

By Jeremy Strauss

ANN ARBOR, MI -- ESPN college football analyst and former Notre Dame head coach Lou Holtz has an answer for his now-undoubtedly large number of critics: this whole thing never actually happened.

"Today was a dream," said Holtz Saturday following the University of Michigan's victory over the Fighting Irish. "Everyone please wake up so we can commence the remainder of the college football season."

Just a few weeks ago, Holtz predicted a season capped by a trip to the BCS National Championship Game for his beloved Irish. However, Saturday's loss at the hands of the formerly-lowly UM Wolverines might hinder this mission.

"The game wasn't played, you see," aid Holtz. "The game is tomorrow. Today is still Friday night. I'm sure you all realize that these sort of hallucinations happen sometimes with dreams."

Holtz believes Notre Dame have a good chance in "tomorrow's game."

The Michigan Wolverines, however, are having trouble believing Holtz's somewhat outlandish statements.

"This is just like a dream," said Michigan freshman quarterback and leader of Saturday's win Tate Forcier. "Like an awful, horrible dream that Lou Holtz might not wake up from."

Michigan's coach Rich Rodriguez urged his players not to jump the gun.

"Hey, they could still go to the National Championship game," he warned. "If every team in Division I lost all the rest of their games they might have a shot."

When it was made, Holtz's seemingly ridiculous predicition, sent shocks of stupidity throughout the college football world. According to the football "guru," Notre Dame's only difficult game would come against Southern Cal.

"We might be the second hard game he has to play this year," said USC head coach Pete Carroll Saturday, fresh off a victory against Ohio State. "But of course, that's right, he doesn't believe that loss happened today."

"We couldn't do with the ball today what Lou Holtz wanted us to do with the ball today," said Irish head coach Charlie Weis. "We'll have to play better in the actual game tomorrow, when it's not just Lou Holtz's nightmare dream."

"Oh and by the way, this sucks," added Weis.

TICKER: SSX Tricky Now Officially a Sport

2009-09-11T22:43:00.000-07:00

PARIS, FRANCE -- According to something called the "International Sporting Commission (ISC)," SSX Tricky, the video game that has shaken America with its awesome and hilariously unbelievable snowboarding tricks, is now officially a sport. The announcement from Paris this week comes as a surprise to even the wackiest sports enthusiasts. "I'm the greateeeeesssstttttt," said Mac, a professional snowboarder of Tricky fame, adding, "UNBELIEVABBLLLLEEEE!" ISC officials claim that by as early as 2010, Tricky could replace hockey as one of the "four major sports."

--Jeremy Strauss

Yankees Hope Fans Enjoy New Stadium as Much as They Do

2009-09-11T12:13:00.000-07:00

They don’t enjoy it that much

By Marty Strauss

NEW YORK -- The New York Yankees have announced to the world that they hope their fans' sentiments about the club's brand new stadium echo those of the team -- although those of the team might not be that spectacular.

“Representing the New York Yankees, I would like to publicly tell our fans that we hope that they enjoy this new stadium as much as we do,” announced Derek Jeter after last Sunday's matinee.

“We don’t enjoy it that much,” he added after a short pause.

“This stadium is simply not up to our prestigious Yankee standards. The field, to begin, is not green enough for us," said Jorge Posada. "A proper field must be deeper green. I am sure that you can understand and have seen this before. Also, the locker rooms are horrible. No hot tubs? No bath? The showers don’t even always have warm water! Surely you can’t expect us to live at these conditions.”

Posada went on to list many more “problems” with the new Yankee Stadium, including the small capacity (less than 400,000, Alex Rodriguez’s favorite number), the dirty bases, and the crappy food stands, which do not sell the Yankee Classic Filet Mignon or Veal Parmigiana.

“We simply want our fans to enjoy the stadium just as much as we do," interjected Jeter, who had unexpectedly joined Posada's press conference. "We feel that we connect with them, and we want to keep this bond as strong as possible. So next time you visit our stadium, try to complain a lot, and have a generally annoyed disposition. And remember, the players out on that field feel the same exact way that you do!”

Newly added Yankees first baseman Mark Teixeira had a more anger-filled position.

“We ain’t havin’ too much fun out here, you know. This stadium, it blows. And still we see da fans havin’ a blast like it’s New Year’s Eve. I just don’t want my fans havin’ more fun than me. We, the players should have more fun. This our profession. How fair is it for the fans to have more fun than the players? It just ain’t right.”

Alex Rodriguez's view of the stadium is undoubtedly important to his fans.

Alex Rodriguez, however, had an indifferent view.

“Oh man, it’s so exciting to get to talk up here, on the stand. I’ve never get to go up here anymore, this is really great. They don’t let me up here now because I might talk about my steroids. Oops, should I have not said that? Whatever, it’s too late now. Anyway – how do I feel about this? I don’t know man, the fans, they cool. I mean, they come to our games and all. The stadium? Oh man, it blows. I can’t play there anymore, man. But I guess I gotta.”

Starting this Saturday, the Yankees will honor these statements by raising ticket prices and putting a ban on all free fan gifts until further notice.

Allen Iverson to Retire, Play for Grizzlies

2009-09-10T11:50:00.001-07:00

Move to Memphis marks the end of a storied career

By Daniel and Jeremy Strauss

MEMPHIS -- The man once nicknamed "The Answer" now has an answer for the lingering question that has been his NBA future.

Allen Iverson, the longtime Philadelphia 76ers star, has announced he will be ending his thirteen year basketball career by playing for the Memphis Grizzlies for the duration of the 2009-10 season.

"I've had a really great career, and I've enjoyed every minute of it," a tearful Iverson said at his retirement/playing for the Grizzlies press conference. "But the fact is, I've proved all I wanted to prove, and I'm ready to end my career, and also play for the Memphis Grizzlies with my free time.

"We talkin' bout Grizzlies! Grizzlies!" joked Iverson through sobs.

Under the terms of the one-sided deal, Iverson must play at least 2 minutes every three games. Each additional minute or "show of athletic ability" -- as the contract reads -- will yield a bonus to the league veteran. By Iverson's demand, he is under no obligation to attend any team practices.

"He pretty much backed us into a wall with that one," said Grizzlies GM Chris Wallace of the no-practice demand. "It was the one thing he was so adamant about."

Memphis players were saddened to hear about Iverson's retirement, but were also excited to hear he might play a few games with them during the season.

"I've been thinking of doing the same thing myself," said forward Rudy Gay. "Let's be honest, I'm phoning in most of these games anyway, we all are. I think that's pretty obvious."

Moments like these allowed neither fans nor fellow players to have any idea what A.I. was talking about

Iverson's retirement did however cause some confusion with the front office of his former team.

"I'm fairly certain he retired last season," said Joe Dumars, general manager of the Detroit Pistons. "Yes, yes, I'm quite sure of that. I'm not really sure what all this hubub is about actually."

According to reports, while Iverson had fielded offers from several teams across the league and even some teams in Greece, he settled on Memphis because they were one of the bigger jokes of the league.

"Memphis gives me the opportunity to cease pretending like I care about this game anymore," he said. "While I appear sad, this is a joyous day for me and my family."

"Borders" Literally Can't Give Away Brett Favre Book

2009-09-08T07:13:00.000-07:00

CHICAGO-Employees at Chicago's Clark Street and Diversey Parkway Borders Books and Music say they pretty much can't even "give away" a book entitled "Favre: The Total Package," due to the fact that Favre is such a massive tool. The twelve remaining copies of the book sit out on shelf, rarely even looked at, with the exception of the occasional sneer or look of disgust from the store's customers. The cover of the book depicts Favre, clad in his old Green Bay Packers uniform, raising triumphantly, no doubt celebrating a touchdown pass every decent Green Bay fan would eventually come to regret cheering for when they realized what a complete douche Favre is. Despite the book's promise of a "limited edition holographic Favre tribute card," most customers agreed they'd rather just pay for their toilet paper at Target or CVS, where it's cheaper and sold in bulk. "I don't know what the heck we're going to do with these things," store employee Jacob Horn said. "We could honestly make more money having a bonfire and selling them to people as kindle. But, I guess that's what happens when you turn your back on everyone who ever cared about you just so you can have another shot at the glory that will inevitably elude you for the rest of your pitiful career. I guess." Horn says that the store plans to lower the cost of the books from $2.99 to $1.99 next week, and after that, will just pay people to take them.

By Daniel Strauss

Omar Minaya Lands On Disabled List

2009-09-07T12:30:00.000-07:00

Injury attack on Mets continues as GM goes down

By Marty Strauss

NEW YORK -- Omar Minaya, General Manager of the New York Mets Baseball Association, has landed on the team’s disabled list, adding another loss to the already injury-filled 2009 Mets.

Minaya was rushed to the hospital at the end of Tuesday’s irrelevant ball game against yet another club a minor league team New York should have easily beaten. He is said to have suffered a broken spinal cord, which coupled with his usual depression and stress, led doctors to preliminarily diagnose Mets-itis.

“He appears to have broken his back due to carrying a heavy burden very often, and that is also the source of his stress," said team doctor Joseph Allen. "Managing this horrible team, we think this condition [Mets-itis] was inevitable."

An artist's depiction of the load that Minaya had been carrying on
his back, which eventually caused him to break that very same back.

The Mets have put an ad in the New York Times looking for an interim GM for the remainder of their worthless season. Until then, starter Johan Santana will be taking Minaya’s place.

"I've already given up on the season, so I'm not playing anyway," explained Santana. "It's not like the GM will have to do anything for the rest of this season."

LeGarrette Blount Finally Able to Pursue Study Abroad Program

2009-09-04T20:20:00.001-07:00

EUGENE-LeGarrette Blount's college dream of finally being able to study abroad during the fall came to fruition Thursday night when he punched Boise State defensive end Byron Hout in the chin after Oregon's 19-8 loss to in Idaho. Blount, now a senior, said he realized during the offseason this was his last chance to "see Spain in the fall as a college student," and that he had little choice other than to orchestrate an elaborate plan to make sure he could clear college football from his 2009 schedule. "It was a difficult endeavor, but I knew it would be worth it," a smiling Blount said, while taking off his Oregon football jersey and throwing it in the trash. "I made sure to anger the other team with my pregame comments, in an effort to get tempers flaring, throw the game beyond belief, and of course, make sure young Byron [Hout] would give me a reason to swing. A beautifully laid masterpiece, if I do say so myself. Though the real masterpieces await me in Spain!" A laughing Blount said not letting the cat out of the bag about his magnificent plan was maybe the hardest thing he has ever done, but now that the suspension has been made official by Oregon football coach Chip Kelly, Blount has announced he will be celebrating this Saturday night at his Eugene apartment with a wine and cheese party. He has requested no one bring any "trashy Merlot."

By Daniel Strauss

BREAKING NEWS: Mr. Met traded to Washington Nationals for Screech

2009-09-02T21:58:00.000-07:00

Monumental exchange marks the end of an era

Mr. Met, exuberant after hearing the news that he could
finally leave one of baseball's most depressing franchises.

By Marty Strauss

WASHINGTON – Abdul “Mr. Met” Metropolitan of the New York Mets has been traded to the Washington Nationals in exchange for Chaim “Screech” Screech, along with several other prospect mascots and a large chocolate cake.

The blockbuster trade is expected to divert some attention from the recent troubles of Mets team owner Fred Wilpon, who had been considering selling the team to comedian Bob Saget. According to reports, Saget's plans -- now officially done for -- included a comedic labor camp in which the team would be forced to make "funny" videos which weren’t actually funny at all.

The trade also transfers the Mets' burden of Mr. Met's unusually high $10 million salary, and silences a multitude of cries from Mets nation that the money could be spent on actual players. Instead, New York will take on the $50 thousand Screech, who is known as one of the league's best bargains, while eating a tasty chocolate cake.

Despite the seemingly lopsided deal, Mets GM Omar Minaya's announcement of the deal yielded mixed reactions from his players.

“They’re paying a guy who stands around in a suit all day more than me?" said Jeremiah Jebediah (JJ) Putz. "That’s why they almost sold the team? Man, talk about a bunch of idiots.”

Following his commentary, Putz stood shaking his head until he twisted his neck about 2 hours later. He is currently in the hospital and is expected to be placed on the lifetime DL.

Other players were concerned about the impacts of the iconic symbol of their baseball team leaving it forever.

“Man, I don’t know, man," said Carlos Delgado, who hasn't played in what seems like an eternity. "The Met’s without Mr. Met is like, I mean, man, it’s like pancakes without syrup. They go together, you know?”

Manager Jerry Manuel was quick to comment: “Please go away. I am in the can.”

The deal also represents the beginning of an era for the Nationals, who plan to rename the mascot "Mr. Nat."

“It’s not like if we spent the money on real players we’d have a fighting chance," said GM Mike Rizzo. At this point, I don’t really give a damn what the hell we do.”

"Good riddance," said Screech's bad-tempered older brother and Washington Capitals mascot Slapshot after hearing the news of his departure.

“We like him," added shortstop Cristian Guzman. "I mean, he’s a baseball, and we play baseball, so we kind of, like, connected, you know? He’s a cool guy.”

Gary Bettman: "I really thought the Versus Network would be more popular by now."

2009-09-02T13:14:00.000-07:00

NHL Commish claims he had no idea network's coverage would fail so horribly

By Jeremy Strauss

NEW YORK -- Even the smartest and most devoted hockey fans who still support the game realize that the Versus Network has made the National Hockey League even less relevant than it already was. However, apparently, NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman cannot count himself among this select few.

"This is our fifth year now that we've been away from ESPN," Bettman commented this week. "I have to say, I really thought the Versus Network would be more popular by now."

The NHL signed a deal to broadcast games on the incredibly non-germane network in 2005 when it was coming out of an almost equally irrelevant lockout. Four years later, many believe that the network -- which was known as the Outdoor Life Network at the time of the deal-- has actually caused the NHL to lose a generous amount of respect.

"ESPN shows such awful programs as the Little League World Series and WNBA games," said Howie Schwab of ESPN's 'Stump the Schwab' fame. "By the rules of sporting, the NHL is now less relevant than those two programs. The league has Versus to thank for that."

Yet, despite the widespread believe that Versus has become "that channel you always skip over," Bettman maintains that he didn't think things would pan out like this.

"I remember the meeting so well," he recalled. "The network execs. assured me they'd be a really popular network in just a few years.

"I only wish I hadn't been gullible enough to believe them."

Players around the NHL have been vocal about the situation -- which some insiders are calling a "crisis" -- at hand.

"Versus isn't offered in some basic cable packages," said Scott Gomez of the Montreal Canadiens. "For that reason, I have many friends who still don't realize or believe I'm actually a professional hockey player."

Players like Scott Gomez are desperate to prove they do play a pro sport that gets shown on television

"NHL should throw away TV contract," added Alex Ovechkin of the Washington Capitals. "Nobody ever gonna get to see me play while it like this."

MA Congressman Wants Red Sox-Yankees Sunday Night ESPN Game to Be Law

2009-09-01T12:25:00.000-07:00

Respected official calls Red Sox-Yankees a "human right"

By Jeremy Strauss

WASHINGTON, DC -- Ever wondered why every time the Red Sox and Yankees play a weekend series, the third game is always the ESPN Sunday night special?

Actually, there's no real reason -- other than the fact that ESPN has been playing to their high ratings when showing the series as a marquee. However, Congressman Edward J. Markey (D-MA) wants to make it illegal to have that not be the case.

That's why Markey unveiled H.R. 267, otherwise known as the "Red Sox-Yankees Sunday Night Act of 2009" (or RSYSNA), this week. The long-serving representative says the bill is aimed to show that Red Sox-Yankees is indeed a human right.

"I want fans across the country to be able to see the best rivalry in baseball at least once every time they play," said Markey. "There's no reason why this game shouldn't be the ESPN game every time they play on a Sunday."

Congressman Markey claims that if ESPN is going to show the game on Sunday nights anyway, why shouldn't it be US law?

If the bill makes it through committee and eventually through the House, it will have at least one supporter in the Senate: John Kerry.

"I live in Washington for most of the year, and I don't have the Extra Innings package," explained Kerry. "I can't unreasonably expect the MLB to schedule its Yankees-Red Sox game around my schedule. So shouldn't I be able to watch it on national T.V.?"

Still in its earliest stages, the bill is quite a long way from the Senate and has its opponents. Particularly, Greg Walden (R-OR) has already spoken out against its passage many times.

"There are other games we could be seeing on Sunday nights," said Walden. "Congressman Markey needs to recognize that there are other teams in Major League Baseball, just like ESPN needs to recognize there are other players besides Brett Favre. But that's a whole other issue entirely."

Markey, however, has fielded consistent answers toward his naysayers.

"Congressman Walden has turned this into a partisan issue," he said this week. "We need to work together on getting this passed, not shout at each other.

"Besides, he's probably just pissed because Oregon doesn't even have a pro team."

President Obama, is, as of now, against the bill, citing concerns that it would "hurt the other Sox' coverage."

Michael Vick Receives Standing Ovation for Fighting Dogs, Going to Prison, and Then Saying He Wont Fight Dogs Anymore

2009-08-28T16:29:00.000-07:00

PHILADELPHIA-Michael Vick, recently acquired quarterback of the Philadelphia Eagles, and man who went to jail for financially backing the training of innocent dogs to fight one another, often to the death, was given a standing ovation from the fans in attendance as he made his way onto the field for his first preseason game as an Eagle at Veterans Stadium last night. "It's really amazing, what he's done." said long time Eagles fan, Brian Erdman. "I mean, the guy ran a huge dog fighting ring right out of his own home, and then got caught, and thrown in jail. Now, he's out of jail after serving a sentence, and getting tons of money to play football. What an inspiring story." Not everyone at the game was one hundred percent behind Vick however, as some fans remained in their seats while applauding for the embattled quarterback. "I'll stand up when I see us in the damn playoffs," Mark Stern, a fan who chose to stay seated said. "For all I care, they can trot some psychopath murderer out there, let's just win some damn games." Coach Andy Reid said all the players on the team can learn something from Vick's heartwarming and uplifting story of going to jail for committing a crime. "Especially my kids," he added, with a wink.

by Daniel Strauss

BREAKING NEWS: Baltimore Orioles Cancel Remainder of this Season, Next Two Seasons

2009-08-27T19:16:00.000-07:00

After sign seen on team clubhouse door, announcement comes as little surprise; "We are so bad," says team's majority owner

By Jeremy Strauss

BALTIMORE, MD -- The last place Baltimore Orioles have cancelled the remainder of the 2009 season and the 2010 and 2011 seasons.

On Thursday morning, an anonymous Baltimore Sun beat writer encountered a sign on the Orioles clubhouse telling players to "go home and lay low for a while." Snide Sports can now confirm that the sign was written by the team's majority owner, Peter Angelos.

Angelos, seen here alongside steroid-user Sam Sosa, has made a drastic decision

Angelos has been blamed by many for the team's woes over the last ten years. Now, he's taking responsibility in the most peculiar of ways.

"I think we need a break from this nightmare," he told reporters on a conference call Thursday. "Seriously, like, it's enough of this crap already.

"We are so bad."

"I think everyone agrees this is the right thing to do," said Andy MacPhail, Orioles president of baseball operations. "We just need some time to relax, set things straight, so we can come back in 2012 and win some games. We owe this to our fans."

But while the decision might make perfect sense to the team's front office, the players are, to say the least, dumbfounded. Under the terms of the decision, Orioles must players must stay with the team until the beginning of the 2012 season, even if their contracts expire during the ensuing time period.

It is almost as if Baltimore players are frozen in time -- as athletes, that is -- for almost the next two and a half years.

Players like Brian Roberts don't quite understand how this could happen

"Yes, it kind of surprises me, this whole thing," said second baseman Brian Roberts. "To be honest with you, I appreciate the time off. But I don't really understand how this is legal."

"I gave plenty of service to this shitty excuse for a franchise," said a fuming outfielder Melvin Mora as he threw a chair. "If they don't give me a house on Cape Cod for the duration of this cancellation crap, there's going to be hell to pay."

But the front office has an answer for the players, some of whom -- like Roberts -- doubt the legality/morality of the arrangement. Under an MLB rule approved in 1917, franchises may cancel up to three seasons in a row and freeze players' contracts in the process if "good reason" exists. In this case, does "good reason" exist? That much is up to league Commissioner Bud Selig, who has already offered his commentary on the situation.

"I'll have my deliberation with my staff, but I think there's a good chance I'll approve it," said Selig on a conference call. "I mean, they don't even have the Rays to rely on at being in last place anymore."

Top baseball analysts too agree with Selig.

"A couple of years ago, the Orioles lost 30-3 in a game against the Rangers," said ESPN's Buster Olney. "Personally, I think they should've pulled out this tool then. This cancellation is even a bit late."

Under the rule, although Angelos plans to fight it "to the best of [his] ability," refunds to all ticket holders cannot be avoided.

What doesn't comply with the MLB rule, however, is Angelos' mandate -- with no exception -- that the players have their lockers cleared out by Friday morning for a full clubhouse fumigation.

Drunk Boston Fan Can't Tell Asian Red Sox Apart

2009-08-27T11:21:00.000-07:00

BOSTON-Dave Haplert, a self described "die hard member of Red Sox nation," brought his knowledge of the team's roster, as well as his ability to tell Asian people apart, into question, when he confused Red Sox middle reliever Hideki Okajima for starting pitcher Daisuke Matsuzaka. "Come on Daisuke, put him over!" Halpert yelled, nearly spilling his fifth beer all over everyone sitting in front of him. "Strike him out, Dice-K! Throw the gyropitch!" Halpert's confusion reached a fever pitch when the Red Sox put in another of their Asian relievers, Takashi Saito, to close out the game. "Hey, Dice-K, stay in one place goddamit! Hiding in the outfield..." Halpert's two friends who accompanied him to the game could not be reached for comment, as they had already snuck away to a different seating section sometime around the 5th inning.

-- Daniel Strauss

DEVELOPING STORY: Baltimore Orioles Expected to Cancel Next Two Seasons

2009-08-25T15:52:00.000-07:00

Players reportedly told to "go home and lay low until we get things straightened out"

BALTIMORE, MD -- After several seasons of losing and losing in the American League East and beyond, the Baltimore Orioles may soon get a much-needed rest -- for at least a couple of years.

According to multiple reports, the Orioles organization will make a major announcement in the next few days. Its point? The cancellation of the remainder of the 2009 season, as well as the 2010 and 2011 ones, too.

A Baltimore Sun beat reporter who asked to remain anonymous has stated that he saw a sign Thursday afternoon on the Orioles clubhouse door that read: "To all of our players: You have been good to us, but not good enough. We need to fix things up a bit. Please go home and lay low until we get things straightened out...possibly for the next two years." Baseball analysts are still trying to determine who wrote the sign.

"It makes perfect sense that the Orioles would cancel team operations for a little while," said ESPN's Tim Kurkjian, who previously covered the team as a beat writer. "Things have really gone downhill for them. They don't even have the Rays to rely on as being worst in the division anymore."

Stay with us here at Snide Sports as this story develops -- we'll have all the updates.

-- Jeremy Strauss

Giant Statue of Jerry Jones on Fifty Yard Line May Cause Unforeseen Problems

2009-08-25T11:08:00.000-07:00

by Daniel Strauss

DALLAS -- The Dallas Cowboys new multimillion dollar facility may have come into even more unforeseen trouble.

This time, issues have arisen in the form of a hundred foot tall, solid silver statue of Jerry Jones situated on the fifty yard line. During the Cowboys last preseason game against the Tennessee Titans, players on both sides referred to the statue as "hard to avoid," "really shiny," and "seemingly completely unnecessary."

"I definitely had to rethink some of my passes on the fly when we were down by the fifty [yard line]," Dallas quarterback Tony Romo said. "Come to think of it, I wonder if that had something to do with the 25 sacks I took during the game. It seemed like I got hit more than usual."

"I was making this cut right around midfield, and I thought I was gonna have all this open green in front of me, but no, right there is big 'hundred-foot tall Jerry's' leg staring back at me," said Tennessee running back Chris Johnson. It's one hell of a home team advantage."

This isn't the first time the new stadium has run into some trouble for it's design. Earlier in the game, Tennessee kicker Rob Bironas had a punt bounce off the brand new, low hanging, HD screen, resulting in a rare football do-over.

"I honestly don't think I'd have hit it [the screen] if I could have taken my eyes off that giant-ass statue of Jerry," Bironas said. "Talk about distracting."

Jones himself had little to say on the matter, telling reporters Friday that the statue wasn't going anywhere. Asked if he felt the statue in any way compromised the integrity of the game, Jones replied, "I am the game, bitch."

"I think it's a trade-off," non partisan announcer Troy Aikman commented. "We lose T.O., but we get this wonderful statue. It should stay."

Fans can next see the Cowboys live on Saturday, August 29 (vs San Francisco), which, coincidentally, is Jerry Jones night at new Dallas Stadium (every child will be given a Jerry Jones mask and a fresh fifty dollar bill to rip up and thrown in the air during the game).

Mark Teixeira's Entire August Salary Paid in Sacagawea Coins

2009-08-23T16:50:00.001-07:00

Star athlete completely unsure of what to do next

By Jeremy Strauss and Colleen McDermott

NEW YORK, NY -- Yankees first baseman Mark Teixeira may be a very rich man, but right now, he feels poorer than ever.

The Bronx Bombers star -- who is being paid $180 million over eight years with New York -- noticed a small issue with his share for the month of August: it was entirely composed of Sacagawea coins.

"Usually they just send me a check or something," said an understandably disgruntled Teixeira. "I don't even know what to do with this stuff. They're going to weigh down my wallet so much."

Yankees GM Brian Cashman claims he was trying to give Teixeira a "special surprise": i.e. a huge wad of cash instead of a check. According to the GM, a special note that read, "who's the real cash-man now?" was meant to be enclosed with the gift.

But when Cashman reached the bank, he faced trouble: there were no dollar bills available. Indeed, there were only Sacagawea dollars.

"I guess this is the sort of price we pay in this horrible economic crisis," said Cashman.

Above: The horrific scene on Teixeira's kitchen table
A sad Teixeira was hardly amused.

"I didn't even think they were still making these things," he said. "I was under the impression they faded out when people realized how inconvenient they were. Now, I have millions of them lying around."

A number of Yankee players were quick to offer their public support to the first baseman.

"I gotta say, I feel for the guy," said Derek Jeter. "Nobody wants to end up with even one of those [Sacagawea coins]. But to have so many, it's unfathomable."

"This is worse than the time Bernie Williams slipped on a banana peel," added longtime Yank Jorge Posada. "I give Mark all my support and hope he can spend those coins on something real fast, so someone else will be burdened with them."

Teixeira reportedly considered donating the coins to charity, but realized he "did not want anyone to go through what he is going through." Other options on what to do with the fortune, paid to Teixeira for standing on a bag and catching a ball every now and then, include simply burning the coins, throwing them at A-Rod in the clubhouse before games, or using them for batting practice.

Chase Utley Forces Emergency Stop of Phillies’ Team Bus to Visit That Place from “Diners, Drive-in’s, and Dives”

2009-08-23T00:25:00.000-07:00

By Marty Strauss

TRENTON, NJ -- The Philadelphia Phillies trip from Philadelphia to the New York Mets Citi Field was interrupted this Saturday when second baseman Chase Utley called for an emergency stop of the trip to visit a restaurant which he had seen featured on the Food Network Show, “Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives.

Upon hearing repeated pleas to halt the vehicle, bus driver Ernie Watkins finally pulled over to what he had been told by Utley was a "quick little rest stop.” What Watkins found, however, was a small restaurant with only one dirty bathroom in the back.

Chase Utley forced a late arrival to Citi Field because of this "restaurant."

Phillies General Manager Rubén Amaro Jr. was justifiably displeased at Utley, who had deceieved the entire team into thinking it could finally go to the bathroom. Among those hit hardest by the one-toilet stop was first basemen Ryan Howard, who reportedly “really had to go real bad can’t talk now gotta go gotta go please go away."

While the rest of the team waited in line to use the pot, however, Utley could be found looking at a menu.

"Chase asked me whether he should get the Scrumptious Fried Chicken Dipped in Pudding or the Cheesy Fries with Bacon and Lard," said a disgruntled Amaro. "I told him to get the hell back on the bus and shut up."

"Those were the two dishes featured in that food network diner show," Utley explained later. "They both looked so good; I couldn't decide what to get."

Following a long argument with Amaro about possible health problems and urgent time constraints, Utley hid in the small bathroom and refused to come out unless he had his way. Finally, Amaro was forced to give in, and sat while Utley licked off all the fat from his awful, heart-attack-causing fried chicken.

Utley felt inclined to stop because of this man, who is sometimes on television.

"I felt just like that Guy Fieri," said Utley. "He's so awesome."

“Chase is really a kid inside," said outfielder Shane Victorino. "After he was done with the meal he dumped some beer on me, just like those fans at Wrigley. It was hilarious."

"This was just a little treat," added Amaro. "Besides, as much as I fought with him, it's nice to see those places in real life, even if they are dingy dumps."

The Phillies arrived in Citi Field promptly midway through the 4th inning, and took the field, replacing several good-sport Mets fans that had been playing instead of them. Utley, however, left the game in the 7th inning due to a tummy ache. He did not return and is day-to-day.

New Mitchell Report: Urlacher Guilty of Bear Fighting

2009-08-22T12:47:00.001-07:00

By Jeremy Strauss

Shocking images like this one, which appears in George Mitchell's new report, could keep Brian Urlacher out of a job for quite some time.
WASHINGTON -- George Mitchell, a current special envoy to the Middle East and former senator who only recently shocked the world with his "Mitchell Report" on the usage of steroids in baseball, has a shocking new document out that reveals yet another dark story related to an NFL player.

The report, which was released Saturday and is entitled "How Brian Urlacher Made Bears Fight Each Other," accuses Chicago Bears linebacker Brian Urlacher of running a vicious bear fighting ring out of the Chicago Botanic Garden.

According to Mitchell, for approximately two years, Urlacher has been garnering bears of all shapes and sizes from nearby forests to participate in the ring. While the bears were fighting each night, Urlacher reportedly committed such horrifying acts as throwing chocolate into the ring, tapping the bears with twigs, or even forcing the animals to wear his football pads. Mitchell also claims that each fight was to the death, with Urlacher and the winning bear generally devouring the loser following the match.

George Mitchell explains how Urlacher encouraged bears to keep on fighting -- even if they were kind of tired.
"Mr. Urlacher's actions are disappointing in every sense of the word," said Ingrid Newkirk, president of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. "Bears are not meant to be violent creatures. They are loving animals, and anyone who turns them into killing machines deserves to be locked up."

"Brian has hurt Bears fans, Bears players, Bears coaches, and the lives of bears everywhere," said Ted Phillips, president and CEO of the Chicago Bears football team. "I can assure you the matter will be dealt with accordingly."

If Mitchell's words are true -- which many, including, apparently, the Chicago Bears, are assuming is the case -- Urlacher could face a minimum of six years in prison plus another six years of bear-related community service. The latter would entail working with bears each day in the forest to assure they harvest their food, as well as living with the bears on select nights.

Urlacher, who did not take any questions from the media, read a prepared statement in a press conference this morning.

"I would just like to say that I am a bear lover, and have always been one," said Urlacher. "I do not understand why Mr. Mitchell would accuse me of such ridiculous things. Furthermore, I do not understand why, as an American special envoy to the Middle East, Mr. Mitchell has involved himself in my personal business."

Brian Urlacher is tough on the field, but is he tough enough to face bear-fighting charges?
NFL Comissioner Roger Goodell has decided to hold off on suspending Urlacher until the situation unfolds more clearly. He did, however, offer some quick commentary on the situation.

"Yes, Michael Vick can play in the sixth game of the season," Goodell noted. "I'm sorry, did you just say something about a bear fighting itself?"

Ronny and Wally, two of the bears reportedly involved in Urlacher's ring, did not immediately return calls for this article.

Usain Bolt Apparently Running Out of "Sheer Terror"

2009-08-21T12:25:00.001-07:00

A terrified Bolt runs frantically to escape what he calls "certain doom and damnation."
BERLIN -- Usain Bolt, the Jamaican sprinter who recently broke his own record for the 100m race with a time of 9.58 seconds, could only be reached briefly for comment post-race, as he refused to stop running, saying it was the only way he could escape from "the terrible thing, the horrible thing, that transcends even biblical standards of horror."

"I really can't stop running now, please you must understand," said Bolt, continuing to sprint at a top speed as reporters did their best to chase him down. "If I stop for even one second, that monstrosity will catch me, and I shall surely be devoured."

The Olympic standout then covered himself in holy water, tore his clothes, and ran out of the building, screaming, "Only those who repent shall be saved." Bolt is scheduled to appear on the Oprah Winfrey show this Friday.

-Daniel Strauss

Brett Favre’s daughter: “I’m glad my Daddy is going back to the Packers.”

2009-08-21T09:35:00.000-07:00

MINNEAPOLIS -- Brett Favre’s recent announcement that a comment from his 10-year-old daughter factored heavily in his decision to return to the NFL has led to much investigation from media outlets into Favre’s true motives. On Friday, after her father repeatedly requested that she “tell them what you told me,” Breleigh Favre finally spoke out in a truly Favre-like emotional press conference. “It’s true,” Breleigh noted through a written statement. “I told my dad to go back to play football and win another Super Bowl. I’m glad my Daddy is going back to the Packers. Can I go now?” Despite a bombardment of questions, Breleigh declined to further respond, leaving her father, a self-proclaimed "family man" to explain a bit more. “I’ve enjoyed watching my daughter grow up so much. So much, in fact, that I need to let her do some growing up of her own. I’ll make sure to call her at least once a week when I’m on the road.”

-Jeremy Strauss

John Calipari Pretending Not to Know What SAT Is

2009-08-21T09:26:00.000-07:00

By Daniel Strauss

INDIANAPOLIS -- Upon being told that his former University of Memphis squad would have to forfeit all 38 of their wins from the 2007-08 season due to point guard Derrick Rose’s ineligible SAT scores, John Calipari, current head coach of the University of Kentucky Men’s Basketball team, nervously tried to pretend he had never heard of the standardized college entry test.

Calipari denies his knowledge of the famous College Board exam.
“SA…what?” Calipari asked reporters, while scratching his wrists compulsively. “I’m not sure I’m familiar with anything like that…to get into college, you say? Hmmm…well, when I was a kid it just took good grades, a recommendation, and the glorious will to learn. But I suppose that’s just not enough for you people.”

Although this is the second time in his career Calipari has had to forfeit wins, – which has got to be some sort of record – Calipari stuck to his guns, steadfastly claiming he was unaware of the test’s existence.

“Look, you think if I knew this STP thing, or whatever it’s called, existed, I would keep doing this? What kind of person would that make me, if the only thing I cared about was winning basketball games, instead of educating America’s youth through a balance of liberal arts and focused extra-curricular sporting activity? I ask you, what kind of man would I be? ”

Calipari then called his press conference early, saying he was headed straight to the library to do some research on the validity of “this SBC whatchamacallit.”

John Madden Gets that Itch to Play Pro Football Again

2009-08-20T14:20:00.000-07:00

By Jeremy Strauss

John Madden announces a return to professional football. Madden turned 73 earlier this year.

PHILADELPHIA -- Look out, Brett Favre. You may yet have even more competition at QB this season.

John Madden, an NFL legend in broadcasting and coaching, has announced he is in the process of a attempting a comeback into the league he retired from just 50 years ago.

Madden, a former 21st round draft pick by the Philadelphia Eagles in 1958, called it quits all too early with the onset of a crushing knee injury just a year after his selection. In fact, the former standout offensive tackle never even had the chance to play in a professional game. Now, Madden claims he’s trying to change all that – and this time, as a quarterback.

“I just thought, I wanna get back out there, get my hands out and swat the ball toward the other players,” Madden said Thursday at a press conference in Philadelphia. “This is the right decision. I know it.

“Nobody plays the game better than Brett Favre,” he added.

“There are at least a dozen teams that would have legitimate interest in John,” ESPN’s Chris Mortensen said. “Of course, the obvious choice is the Eagles. A McNabb-Vick-Madden tandem would be almost unstoppable.”

In fact, according to numerous reports, upon hearing Madden’s proclamation, Donovan McNabb sent Philly’s head coach Andy Reid a text message reading only: “SIGN HIM.” The text was eerily similar to the one just recently exchanged between the pair when Michael Vick became available, a detail that leads many to believe Madden will end up in the City of Brotherly Love.

Along with the Eagles, however, many analysts believe the Detroit Lions could be interested. In Detroit, where halfway adequate players are needed at nearly every position, an athlete of Madden’s caliber could be heavily desired.

The response from professional athletes using Twitter was nothing less than overwhelming: from the Redskins’ Albert Haynesworth, “we need a real quarterback…and now we can get one”; from Sidney Crosby, “I was excited for Favre, but this is revolutionary!”; and from notorious Twitter user Shaq, who immediately challenged Madden to a game of Tiddlywinks on his show 'Shaq vs.", “Good to have you back, John. It’s been too long.”

Brett Favre, who recently announced a comeback of his own but does not understand Twitter, was asked to comment on the situation at hand.

“Just like my arm at 39 isn’t what it was at age 20, I’m sure John’s arm at 73 isn’t what it used to be either,” Favre noted. “It’s going to be a tough road to get back, but I think he can do it if he tries real hard.”

Of course, Favre raises a strong point, which is that of Madden’s fitness status. If Madden reports to his next team’s upcoming preseason game overweight, he could face trouble. However, Madden assured fans that “a few minutes on the bike and some squat thrusts” would silence all critics.

Madden’s fear of flying could also be a setback. Taking his bus to all road games – which he assured reporters would certainly not change – would force the no-time all-star to miss several practices per week. However, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell reminded the public that John knows every team’s offense so well that missing a few practices here or there wouldn’t be a problem.

It has been additionally noted that most of the athletes currently in the NFL were not born when Madden was originally drafted. However, when asked whether the league’s changes in the past 50 years would negatively impact the comeback, Madden was quick to reply.

Can John Madden play with the big guns of the NFL?
“I’ve been sitting on my ass watching these games for so many years. I think I know what’s going on in this league.”

As a result of Madden's return, EA Sports announced plans to put Madden on the cover of the Madden NFL 2011 videogame. Madden reportedly placed a call to EA insisting that they pull his picture on account of the “Me-curse.”