Saturday, July 31, 2010

Albert Haynesworth Fails PSAT, Too


Redskins' Defensive Specialist Can't Seem to Get Anything Right at Camp

By Jeremy Strauss
Editor-in-Chief

ASHBURN, VA -- The buzz at Redskins Park around Albert Haynesworth has been anything but positive this week.

After twice failing the team's conditioning test, on Thursday, Haynesworth achieved particularly low marks on another team requirement: the "practice" PSAT.

New head coach Mike Shanahan instituted the requirement at the start of his tenure in Washington, saying that all team members should know basic math, reading and writing skills in order to play football.

"Everyone has to take it," said Shanahan. "Albert's no exception. He has to be able to run 300 yards and know the Pythagorean Theorum."

However, unlike the conditioning test, Haynesworth won't be allowed to take the standardized test until he passes. Just one more failure could mean a conditional release.

"This is serious," said a source close to Haynesworth who chose to remain anonymous. "He's been studying really hard, every night. Got one of those big, thick books from Barnes and Noble."

"I think he'll be fine," said Washington's new quarterback Donovan McNabb. "Just put 'C,' a lot, that's what I told him."

Haynesworth was unavailable for comment.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Dwyane Wade: "Not Being Near My Kids" Was a Factor


MIAMI, FL -- Dwyane Wade, the Miami Heat star who was recently-resigned to play alongside NBA phenoms Chris Bosh and Lebron James, told reporters on Tuesday that not being close to his two children played a major role in his decision to remain in Miami. Wade's two kids currently live with their mother (Wade's ex-wife) in Chicago. "Not being near my kids, having that ability to do whatever I want, that's the kind of stuff I was interested in," Wade said, adding, "They aren't that much fun to be around." Wade also noted that his kids are welcome to fly down to Florida and stay with him "every couple of months" if they so desire.

-Jeremy Strauss

Jason Bay Sent to T-Ball League on Assignment


Mets' struggling outfielder to get back to basics

By Jeremy Strauss
Editor-in-chief

KATONAH, NY -- To say Jason Bay hasn't lived up to the Mets expectations this season would be a tremendous understatement. On Tuesday, the organization finally took action to try and get #44 back on his game, sending Bay down to the Katonah Jellybeans, the club's T-ball affiliate.

Bay's rehab stint in Katonah is expected to be indefinite, and will hopefully, in the words of GM Omar Minaya, "reteach him the fundamentals of what it means to hit a baseball."

"We're so happy to have Jason here," said Carl Rothblatt, the team's coach and father of Jellybeans first basewoman Rebecca Rothblatt. "It'll be nice to have an extra bat for the cleanup spot. And an extra hand for when we take the kids out for pizza after the game."


Above: Bay's new head coach

In Katonah, Bay will train with the team's strength and conditioning coach Eric Clark (father of centerfielder Bengy Clark) at the local Golds Gym and on the grounds of the town's main elementary school.

"I've got a ton of jump ropes and bicycles that I take out for my kids on the weekend," said Clark. "This is really going to be fun."

In Bay's first game with the team, a preseason contest against the White Plains Bombers, Bay went 0-3 with two strikeouts and a walk. He was replaced in the sixth inning by pinch runner Emily Daniels.