Thursday, September 24, 2009

Preseason Hockey Being Played, Apparently


US/CANDIAN? CITIES -- Apparently, some National Hockey teams have started their preseason already, as of last Thursday or Friday. More than a few teams have already played games, including the Boston Bears, a team from Ohio that's pretty new, and last year's defending champs, the Philadelphia Penguins. "We at the NHL are very excited about this coming season, and that starts with a solid preseason," said Gary Betts, head of the hockey commission. "We're looking forward to giving our fans a great preview of what's to come." After last year's rule changes, including moving the blue and red lines around a bit and making the goalpost bigger (or something like that), a lot of people are speculating that hockey might be faster, or that players might have to pass the ball more to keep up. Preseason hockey continues up through December; by then it should be cold enough to freeze the ponds outside and start the real season, and the hunt for Stuckey's Mug.

--Daniel Strauss

Monday, September 21, 2009

Romo-"We're Basically the Mets of Football"

By Daniel Strauss

After choking away a sure victory last night at brand new Cowboy Stadium to the New York Giants on the final drive of the game, a disappointed and visibly distraught Tony Romo vented his frustrations to reporters, saying he and the Cowboys were essentially "the Mets of the NFL."

"I mean, think about it," Romo said, addressing the media after the game. "We basically had the thing in the bag, and the defense just choked it away. Not unlike the Mets bullpen! And me, I threw three picks and even fumbled the ball. I guess that makes me John Maine, or Oliver Perez, or another of those garbage guys who always pitch injured and give up like five runs in the first."

Last night was supposed to be a celebration for the Cowboys, as they opened up their new stadium, a multi-million dollar facility capable of seating 80,000 people. But, not unlike the Mets, who have done virtually nothing but lose games since opening their brand new stadium, Citi Field, the Cowboys made the fans in attendance wish the team had spent the money on better players instead of a new stadium.

"Tony said that? I guess that's pretty spot on," Cowboy's head coach Wade Phillips said, when asked about Romo's comparison. "I guess that makes me Jerry Manuel," Phillips chuckled. "Although, I've always seen myself as more of a Willie Randolph type. And by that, I mean it wouldn't shock me if Jerry [Jones] fired me at three in the morning immediately following a win."

But the comparison doesn't end there. "We haven't one a single playoff game since I became the starter," Romo added. "Well, I guess that one really makes us more like the Cubs." This drew a huge laugh from the crowd, and even prompted Romo to crack a smile.

Asked to comment on Romo's statement, Jerry Jones was quoted as saying "I ain't no damn Spanish," presumably referring to Mets GM Omar Minaya, who is a Latino.

"Yep, it's true, we're basically the Mets," concluded Romo. "God, this is depressing." The Cowboys next chance to blow a lead comes against Carolina next Monday.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Week 2 NFL Action: Redskins, Patriots Each Score 9 Points in Pro Football Games


By Jeremy Strauss

LANDOVER/EAST RUTHERFORD -- The National Football League continued to show why it offers the most exciting action on the market Sunday, as the Washington Redskins and New England Patriots each scored 9 points in their respective professional football games. By NFL rules, the two clubs are now just as good as one another.

"These are the kind of point totals we're looking for," said Washington head coach Jim Zorn. "Now we know for sure we can play with the big dogs of this league."

Following the game, Zorn could be seen placing a giant number nine on the wall of the Redskins locker room, an action that elicited cheers from players and coaches in the room.

"The fans have something to be proud of now," added Tight End Chris Cooley. "I know I'm proud to be a Washington RedThing."

A few hundred miles north of the Skins game, however, amazingly, Patriots boss Bill Belichick still felt his own nine-point troops could have done a bit better.

"Nine points is pretty darn good," he said. "Three field goals to be exact. But I felt like we could've put up at least ten."

Indeed, Belichick didn't make his name as one of the best coaches in the league by aiming low.

"Our ultimate goal is 16 points in a game," he added with a smile. "Might just be wishful thinking. We gotta break away from those Redskins at some point, right?"

The two point totals highlighted the success of the NFL's approach to promote more offense in games.

"These two teams really looked like they knew what they were doing out there," said NFL Network reporter Adam Schefter. "It just proves the teams are getting bigger, faster, stronger, and apparently, more even."

Friday, September 18, 2009

Video Game Legend Mappy Offers Commentary on Sports


NAMCO Policing Star Gives Inspirational Speech to Boston Bruins

By Jeremy Strauss

BOSTON, MA -- As part of their 2009 Phil Esposito preseason lecture series, the Boston Bruins hockey team was treated to a very special guest on Friday night.

Boston GM Peter Chiarelli arranged for Mappy -- the legendary video game character from the 1983 NAMCO game of the same name -- to offer the Bruins his opinions on sports and the state of today's world in general.

"I've never talked to a hockey team before," Mappy began the speech. "It's not really my thing, so you'll have to bear with me."


Mappy is one of the most successful police officers of all time. More than once, he compared his career to the sports world today.

Mappy began his career as a mouse police officer in 1983. To date, he has become known as one of the most successful in his profession of all time, stealing back nearly 42 trillion Mona Lisa paintings, 65 quadrillion television sets, and 87 quintillion refrigerators from vicious robbing Meowkies.

Knowledgable of his amazing prowess in law enforcement, the Bruins invited Mappy to give the keynote speech at their preseason event. The guest lecturer is generally expected to give humorous opinions on sports while offering inspiration to the team with regard to their upcoming season. Mappy was no exception.

"I really don't understand that T.O. guy," he said, drawing cheers from the crowd. "How did he get his own show? Why can't I have my own show if he does?"

"Those damn Phoenix Coyotes are so bad, they look like Goro when he doesn't know where I'm jumping," continued Mappy, eliciting the biggest laugh of the night. "They look like they have forty Meowkies chasing them. Jesus Christ."

Bruins players and coaches were quite impressed with Mappy's speech.

"I was pretty much in awe the whole time," said forward Phil Kessel, who has yet to commit long term to Boston. "To be in the presence of a legend like that was incredible. It's amazing that he's so funny considering that he had such a serious career stealing back stolen goods."

"I don't understand that T.O. guy."

"We're all grateful that Mr. Map paid us a visit tonight," said head coach Claude Julien. "This was really something special for the organization that we might only top with a Stanley Cup championship."



Could Mappy's appearance at the event convince Phil Kessel to sign long-term with the Bruins?

While Mappy's initial comments were received as hilarious, and included such satirical comments as the comparison of Brett Favre's comeback to Goro's attempt to return to the game after a seven year absence, as well as the statement that "Kanye West has made more bitches cry than Meowkies I killed by microwave radiation," the star of the night closed his discourse with some truly motivating words.

"If you want to win, you have to be the best. I've believed it since 1983, when I first started playing Robin Hood, stealing back those stolen goods. If this 'Stuckly Cup' you keep speaking about is your goal, believe you can get it. It is your Mona Lisa, your refrigerator, your TV. Beat the other teams, your Meowkies.

"And you will win. I know you will."

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Kanye West Interrupts U.S. Open Press Conference; Disses Juan Martin del Potro

Drunk idiot "thinks he's really cool"


Juan Martin del Potro, moments before he would head into the press room and meet an unanticipated visitor.

By Marty Strauss

NEW YORK -- Juan Martin del Potro's U.S. Open victory was tremendously exciting, overwhelming, and unexpected on several fronts. However, not even the young Argentine star himself could've forseen what would occur during his postgame press conference.

“For someone like me, to win such a prestigious tournament as this, is just so incredible," began del Potro after the electrifying match. "I would never have imagined I would be standing on this po—”

Del Potro had not gotten this far into his opening statement when he noticed someone he had never seen before -- yet someone who looked distinctly familiar -- running toward the podium.

Kanye West was seen literally jumping out of his limousine and running toward del Potro. Upon his arrival, he immediately grabbed the microphone, pulled it toward him, and began to speak.

“Alright Juan, I’m real excited that you won this, I’m gonna let you finish in a minute," West said, "but Roger Federer is one of the best tennis players of all time. Of all time!”


This man, named Kanye West, has interrupted two stars during speeches in one week

After this outburst, while West appeared to wait for a positive reaction from the press, he received only confused murmurs.

“Just sayin’,” he continued before handing the microphone back to del Potro with a shrug of his shoulders.


Kanye West's limousine. This picture was taken half a year ago; because of West's unfathomable busy and fast-paced touring schedule, it is the only picture ever taken of his limousine.

West then jogged back out of the press room, and into his limousine filled with drunk and hot girls, as well as Roger Federer, who could be seen high-fiving the rap star as the passenger door closed.

Meanwhile, the press conference continued as planned, as del Potro seemed to make very little of the intrusion, assuming it was custom practice after winning the U.S. Open.

"We sure got him," said Federer. "Now he's just like Taylor Swift. How's it feel to win now, big man?"

The next stop on West's tour? Southern California, where he intends to notify USC football head coach Pete Carroll that although his Trojans opened their season with an oustanding victory, Ohio State is still better.

Saturday, September 12, 2009

Lou Holtz: "Today was a dream. Everyone please wake up."

Legendary coach refuses to believe ND loss to Michigan occurred


By Jeremy Strauss

ANN ARBOR, MI -- ESPN college football analyst and former Notre Dame head coach Lou Holtz has an answer for his now-undoubtedly large number of critics: this whole thing never actually happened.

"Today was a dream," said Holtz Saturday following the University of Michigan's victory over the Fighting Irish. "Everyone please wake up so we can commence the remainder of the college football season."

Just a few weeks ago, Holtz predicted a season capped by a trip to the BCS National Championship Game for his beloved Irish. However, Saturday's loss at the hands of the formerly-lowly UM Wolverines might hinder this mission.

"The game wasn't played, you see," aid Holtz. "The game is tomorrow. Today is still Friday night. I'm sure you all realize that these sort of hallucinations happen sometimes with dreams."


Holtz believes Notre Dame have a good chance in "tomorrow's game."

The Michigan Wolverines, however, are having trouble believing Holtz's somewhat outlandish statements.

"This is just like a dream," said Michigan freshman quarterback and leader of Saturday's win Tate Forcier. "Like an awful, horrible dream that Lou Holtz might not wake up from."

Michigan's coach Rich Rodriguez urged his players not to jump the gun.

"Hey, they could still go to the National Championship game," he warned. "If every team in Division I lost all the rest of their games they might have a shot."

When it was made, Holtz's seemingly ridiculous predicition, sent shocks of stupidity throughout the college football world. According to the football "guru," Notre Dame's only difficult game would come against Southern Cal.

"We might be the second hard game he has to play this year," said USC head coach Pete Carroll Saturday, fresh off a victory against Ohio State. "But of course, that's right, he doesn't believe that loss happened today."

"We couldn't do with the ball today what Lou Holtz wanted us to do with the ball today," said Irish head coach Charlie Weis. "We'll have to play better in the actual game tomorrow, when it's not just Lou Holtz's nightmare dream."

"Oh and by the way, this sucks," added Weis.

Friday, September 11, 2009

TICKER: SSX Tricky Now Officially a Sport


PARIS, FRANCE -- According to something called the "International Sporting Commission (ISC)," SSX Tricky, the video game that has shaken America with its awesome and hilariously unbelievable snowboarding tricks, is now officially a sport. The announcement from Paris this week comes as a surprise to even the wackiest sports enthusiasts. "I'm the greateeeeesssstttttt," said Mac, a professional snowboarder of Tricky fame, adding, "UNBELIEVABBLLLLEEEE!" ISC officials claim that by as early as 2010, Tricky could replace hockey as one of the "four major sports."

--Jeremy Strauss

Yankees Hope Fans Enjoy New Stadium as Much as They Do

They don’t enjoy it that much

By Marty Strauss

NEW YORK -- The New York Yankees have announced to the world that they hope their fans' sentiments about the club's brand new stadium echo those of the team -- although those of the team might not be that spectacular.

“Representing the New York Yankees, I would like to publicly tell our fans that we hope that they enjoy this new stadium as much as we do,” announced Derek Jeter after last Sunday's matinee.

“We don’t enjoy it that much,” he added after a short pause.

“This stadium is simply not up to our prestigious Yankee standards. The field, to begin, is not green enough for us," said Jorge Posada. "A proper field must be deeper green. I am sure that you can understand and have seen this before. Also, the locker rooms are horrible. No hot tubs? No bath? The showers don’t even always have warm water! Surely you can’t expect us to live at these conditions.”


Posada went on to list many more “problems” with the new Yankee Stadium, including the small capacity (less than 400,000, Alex Rodriguez’s favorite number), the dirty bases, and the crappy food stands, which do not sell the Yankee Classic Filet Mignon or Veal Parmigiana.

“We simply want our fans to enjoy the stadium just as much as we do," interjected Jeter, who had unexpectedly joined Posada's press conference. "We feel that we connect with them, and we want to keep this bond as strong as possible. So next time you visit our stadium, try to complain a lot, and have a generally annoyed disposition. And remember, the players out on that field feel the same exact way that you do!”

Newly added Yankees first baseman Mark Teixeira had a more anger-filled position.


“We ain’t havin’ too much fun out here, you know. This stadium, it blows. And still we see da fans havin’ a blast like it’s New Year’s Eve. I just don’t want my fans havin’ more fun than me. We, the players should have more fun. This our profession. How fair is it for the fans to have more fun than the players? It just ain’t right.”




Alex Rodriguez's view of the stadium is undoubtedly important to his fans.


Alex Rodriguez, however, had an indifferent view.


“Oh man, it’s so exciting to get to talk up here, on the stand. I’ve never get to go up here anymore, this is really great. They don’t let me up here now because I might talk about my steroids. Oops, should I have not said that? Whatever, it’s too late now. Anyway – how do I feel about this? I don’t know man, the fans, they cool. I mean, they come to our games and all. The stadium? Oh man, it blows. I can’t play there anymore, man. But I guess I gotta.”

Starting this Saturday, the Yankees will honor these statements by raising ticket prices and putting a ban on all free fan gifts until further notice.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Allen Iverson to Retire, Play for Grizzlies


Move to Memphis marks the end of a storied career

By Daniel and Jeremy Strauss

MEMPHIS -- The man once nicknamed "The Answer" now has an answer for the lingering question that has been his NBA future.

Allen Iverson, the longtime Philadelphia 76ers star, has announced he will be ending his thirteen year basketball career by playing for the Memphis Grizzlies for the duration of the 2009-10 season.

"I've had a really great career, and I've enjoyed every minute of it," a tearful Iverson said at his retirement/playing for the Grizzlies press conference. "But the fact is, I've proved all I wanted to prove, and I'm ready to end my career, and also play for the Memphis Grizzlies with my free time.

"We talkin' bout Grizzlies! Grizzlies!" joked Iverson through sobs.

Under the terms of the one-sided deal, Iverson must play at least 2 minutes every three games. Each additional minute or "show of athletic ability" -- as the contract reads -- will yield a bonus to the league veteran. By Iverson's demand, he is under no obligation to attend any team practices.

"He pretty much backed us into a wall with that one," said Grizzlies GM Chris Wallace of the no-practice demand. "It was the one thing he was so adamant about."

Memphis players were saddened to hear about Iverson's retirement, but were also excited to hear he might play a few games with them during the season.

"I've been thinking of doing the same thing myself," said forward Rudy Gay. "Let's be honest, I'm phoning in most of these games anyway, we all are. I think that's pretty obvious."


Moments like these allowed neither fans nor fellow players to have any idea what A.I. was talking about

Iverson's retirement did however cause some confusion with the front office of his former team.

"I'm fairly certain he retired last season," said Joe Dumars, general manager of the Detroit Pistons. "Yes, yes, I'm quite sure of that. I'm not really sure what all this hubub is about actually."

According to reports, while Iverson had fielded offers from several teams across the league and even some teams in Greece, he settled on Memphis because they were one of the bigger jokes of the league.

"Memphis gives me the opportunity to cease pretending like I care about this game anymore," he said. "While I appear sad, this is a joyous day for me and my family."

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

"Borders" Literally Can't Give Away Brett Favre Book


CHICAGO-Employees at Chicago's Clark Street and Diversey Parkway Borders Books and Music say they pretty much can't even "give away" a book entitled "Favre: The Total Package," due to the fact that Favre is such a massive tool. The twelve remaining copies of the book sit out on shelf, rarely even looked at, with the exception of the occasional sneer or look of disgust from the store's customers. The cover of the book depicts Favre, clad in his old Green Bay Packers uniform, raising triumphantly, no doubt celebrating a touchdown pass every decent Green Bay fan would eventually come to regret cheering for when they realized what a complete douche Favre is. Despite the book's promise of a "limited edition holographic Favre tribute card," most customers agreed they'd rather just pay for their toilet paper at Target or CVS, where it's cheaper and sold in bulk. "I don't know what the heck we're going to do with these things," store employee Jacob Horn said. "We could honestly make more money having a bonfire and selling them to people as kindle. But, I guess that's what happens when you turn your back on everyone who ever cared about you just so you can have another shot at the glory that will inevitably elude you for the rest of your pitiful career. I guess." Horn says that the store plans to lower the cost of the books from $2.99 to $1.99 next week, and after that, will just pay people to take them.

By Daniel Strauss

Monday, September 7, 2009

Omar Minaya Lands On Disabled List


Injury attack on Mets continues as GM goes down

By Marty Strauss

NEW YORK -- Omar Minaya, General Manager of the New York Mets Baseball Association, has landed on the team’s disabled list, adding another loss to the already injury-filled 2009 Mets.

Minaya was rushed to the hospital at the end of Tuesday’s irrelevant ball game against yet another club a minor league team New York should have easily beaten. He is said to have suffered a broken spinal cord, which coupled with his usual depression and stress, led doctors to preliminarily diagnose Mets-itis.

“He appears to have broken his back due to carrying a heavy burden very often, and that is also the source of his stress," said team doctor Joseph Allen. "Managing this horrible team, we think this condition [Mets-itis] was inevitable."

An artist's depiction of the load that Minaya had been carrying on
his back, which eventually caused him to break that very same back.

The Mets have put an ad in the New York Times looking for an interim GM for the remainder of their worthless season. Until then, starter Johan Santana will be taking Minaya’s place.

"I've already given up on the season, so I'm not playing anyway," explained Santana. "It's not like the GM will have to do anything for the rest of this season."

Friday, September 4, 2009

LeGarrette Blount Finally Able to Pursue Study Abroad Program


EUGENE-LeGarrette Blount's college dream of finally being able to study abroad during the fall came to fruition Thursday night when he punched Boise State defensive end Byron Hout in the chin after Oregon's 19-8 loss to in Idaho. Blount, now a senior, said he realized during the offseason this was his last chance to "see Spain in the fall as a college student," and that he had little choice other than to orchestrate an elaborate plan to make sure he could clear college football from his 2009 schedule. "It was a difficult endeavor, but I knew it would be worth it," a smiling Blount said, while taking off his Oregon football jersey and throwing it in the trash. "I made sure to anger the other team with my pregame comments, in an effort to get tempers flaring, throw the game beyond belief, and of course, make sure young Byron [Hout] would give me a reason to swing. A beautifully laid masterpiece, if I do say so myself. Though the real masterpieces await me in Spain!" A laughing Blount said not letting the cat out of the bag about his magnificent plan was maybe the hardest thing he has ever done, but now that the suspension has been made official by Oregon football coach Chip Kelly, Blount has announced he will be celebrating this Saturday night at his Eugene apartment with a wine and cheese party. He has requested no one bring any "trashy Merlot."

By Daniel Strauss

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

BREAKING NEWS: Mr. Met traded to Washington Nationals for Screech

Monumental exchange marks the end of an era

Mr. Met, exuberant after hearing the news that he could
finally leave one of baseball's most depressing franchises.


By Marty Strauss

WASHINGTON – Abdul “Mr. Met” Metropolitan of the New York Mets has been traded to the Washington Nationals in exchange for Chaim “Screech” Screech, along with several other prospect mascots and a large chocolate cake.

The blockbuster trade is expected to divert some attention from the recent troubles of Mets team owner Fred Wilpon, who had been considering selling the team to comedian Bob Saget. According to reports, Saget's plans -- now officially done for -- included a comedic labor camp in which the team would be forced to make "funny" videos which weren’t actually funny at all.

The trade also transfers the Mets' burden of Mr. Met's unusually high $10 million salary, and silences a multitude of cries from Mets nation that the money could be spent on actual players. Instead, New York will take on the $50 thousand Screech, who is known as one of the league's best bargains, while eating a tasty chocolate cake.

Despite the seemingly lopsided deal, Mets GM Omar Minaya's announcement of the deal yielded mixed reactions from his players.

“They’re paying a guy who stands around in a suit all day more than me?" said Jeremiah Jebediah (JJ) Putz. "That’s why they almost sold the team? Man, talk about a bunch of idiots.”

Following his commentary, Putz stood shaking his head until he twisted his neck about 2 hours later. He is currently in the hospital and is expected to be placed on the lifetime DL.

Other players were concerned about the impacts of the iconic symbol of their baseball team leaving it forever.

“Man, I don’t know, man," said Carlos Delgado, who hasn't played in what seems like an eternity. "The Met’s without Mr. Met is like, I mean, man, it’s like pancakes without syrup. They go together, you know?”

Manager Jerry Manuel was quick to comment: “Please go away. I am in the can.”

The deal also represents the beginning of an era for the Nationals, who plan to rename the mascot "Mr. Nat."

“It’s not like if we spent the money on real players we’d have a fighting chance," said GM Mike Rizzo. At this point, I don’t really give a damn what the hell we do.”

"Good riddance," said Screech's bad-tempered older brother and Washington Capitals mascot Slapshot after hearing the news of his departure.

“We like him," added shortstop Cristian Guzman. "I mean, he’s a baseball, and we play baseball, so we kind of, like, connected, you know? He’s a cool guy.”

Gary Bettman: "I really thought the Versus Network would be more popular by now."


NHL Commish claims he had no idea network's coverage would fail so horribly

By Jeremy Strauss

NEW YORK -- Even the smartest and most devoted hockey fans who still support the game realize that the Versus Network has made the National Hockey League even less relevant than it already was. However, apparently, NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman cannot count himself among this select few.

"This is our fifth year now that we've been away from ESPN," Bettman commented this week. "I have to say, I really thought the Versus Network would be more popular by now."

The NHL signed a deal to broadcast games on the incredibly non-germane network in 2005 when it was coming out of an almost equally irrelevant lockout. Four years later, many believe that the network -- which was known as the Outdoor Life Network at the time of the deal-- has actually caused the NHL to lose a generous amount of respect.

"ESPN shows such awful programs as the Little League World Series and WNBA games," said Howie Schwab of ESPN's 'Stump the Schwab' fame. "By the rules of sporting, the NHL is now less relevant than those two programs. The league has Versus to thank for that."

Yet, despite the widespread believe that Versus has become "that channel you always skip over," Bettman maintains that he didn't think things would pan out like this.

"I remember the meeting so well," he recalled. "The network execs. assured me they'd be a really popular network in just a few years.

"I only wish I hadn't been gullible enough to believe them."

Players around the NHL have been vocal about the situation -- which some insiders are calling a "crisis" -- at hand.

"Versus isn't offered in some basic cable packages," said Scott Gomez of the Montreal Canadiens. "For that reason, I have many friends who still don't realize or believe I'm actually a professional hockey player."


Players like Scott Gomez are desperate to prove they do play a pro sport that gets shown on television

"NHL should throw away TV contract," added Alex Ovechkin of the Washington Capitals. "Nobody ever gonna get to see me play while it like this."

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

MA Congressman Wants Red Sox-Yankees Sunday Night ESPN Game to Be Law

Respected official calls Red Sox-Yankees a "human right"



By Jeremy Strauss

WASHINGTON, DC -- Ever wondered why every time the Red Sox and Yankees play a weekend series, the third game is always the ESPN Sunday night special?

Actually, there's no real reason -- other than the fact that ESPN has been playing to their high ratings when showing the series as a marquee. However, Congressman Edward J. Markey (D-MA) wants to make it illegal to have that not be the case.

That's why Markey unveiled H.R. 267, otherwise known as the "Red Sox-Yankees Sunday Night Act of 2009" (or RSYSNA), this week. The long-serving representative says the bill is aimed to show that Red Sox-Yankees is indeed a human right.

"I want fans across the country to be able to see the best rivalry in baseball at least once every time they play," said Markey. "There's no reason why this game shouldn't be the ESPN game every time they play on a Sunday."


Congressman Markey claims that if ESPN is going to show the game on Sunday nights anyway, why shouldn't it be US law?

If the bill makes it through committee and eventually through the House, it will have at least one supporter in the Senate: John Kerry.

"I live in Washington for most of the year, and I don't have the Extra Innings package," explained Kerry. "I can't unreasonably expect the MLB to schedule its Yankees-Red Sox game around my schedule. So shouldn't I be able to watch it on national T.V.?"

Still in its earliest stages, the bill is quite a long way from the Senate and has its opponents. Particularly, Greg Walden (R-OR) has already spoken out against its passage many times.

"There are other games we could be seeing on Sunday nights," said Walden. "Congressman Markey needs to recognize that there are other teams in Major League Baseball, just like ESPN needs to recognize there are other players besides Brett Favre. But that's a whole other issue entirely."

Markey, however, has fielded consistent answers toward his naysayers.

"Congressman Walden has turned this into a partisan issue," he said this week. "We need to work together on getting this passed, not shout at each other.

"Besides, he's probably just pissed because Oregon doesn't even have a pro team."

President Obama, is, as of now, against the bill, citing concerns that it would "hurt the other Sox' coverage."